Tuesday, January 3, 2012

the untelling

When Max and I finally got some long-awaited good news, we were very cautiously optimistic and shared the news in a fairly tight circle. Our parents pretty much knew the whole schedule so they were obviously our first calls when we got the semi-congrats on our first beta. Our best couple friends were also in the initial loop. After the second beta, we told a couple more friends and a few co-workers who have been following our fertility struggles.After hearing the heartbeat, we included one or two more friends and had the excitement of telling our siblings once we arrived home for the holidays.

That seems like a lot of people for the relatively early time of 7 weeks 6 days. Honestly, it's more people than we initially thought we would tell when we fantasized about finally getting a positive.Several factors contributed to this, and we always made sure it felt "right" before telling someone new. When the time came to share the unwanted news, there were probably a total of about 30 people who needed to be told. The only people we personally said the words to were our moms. We pulled over on the side of the road after sitting in the clinic parking lot for about 20 minutes staring into space. I'm pretty sure they both new the minute we said hello. They were each in charge of calling the siblings. Everything else was done by text.

Honestly, I thought I would regret telling people. But sitting here almost a week later, I know we did the right thing. We have really felt the love from our friends and family. Those first 2 days specifically. We only got 1 or 2 stupid comments, and the rest have been a perfect balance of expressing sadness and concern and wanting to help us. I think it was especially helpful for Max. Several men in our life (my brother, the man half of our best friends, his best friend, even my boss) have continued to reach out to him to share their experiences and help him understand what I am going through. I've been particularly grateful for that, as I know how hard it is for most men to talk about feelings.

The main reason I am glad we shared our pregnancy is that it made it real. I got to experience the excitement of sharing the news. I was pleasantly surprised at the joy some people had in celebrating our baby. Even though the baby is no longer with us, we had the experience of joy. We loved our baby, and because we allowed people who love us to share in our joy, our baby will not be forgotten.

I don't know how we will handle our next pregnancy (because I believe there will be another one). I suppose we will tell people when it feels right, as we did this time. Until then, all I can do is hope.


  1. I am so sorry for your loss. I had the chromosome testing on my last miscarriage and yes, it was super hard to find out it was a girl. I'm still glad we did it, though. Really sorry you're having to go through this.

  2. I'm thinking of you Hattie and so sorry that you are in this process. I agree with you, though. Though untelling people hasn't been fun, I don't regret telling the people we did as they are now helping us as we grieve.

  3. I, too, believe you will have another pregnancy and I agree with Cristy that while untelling is awful, at the same time, you are not alone and it's all been real. I kinda wish I had told more people about my first pregnancy, because I did feel horribly alone in dealing with it.