Wednesday, January 30, 2013


That's a lot of weeks. And I'm starting to feel it!

I'm still at work and am really glad that it at least appears I will be able to finish out the week. By 5:00 on Friday I hope to feel comfortable with the thought that I won't be back. I think I'll make it. And then we will play Monday and the rest of the week by ear. I'm thinking maybe half days?

Luckily I'm still feeling pretty calm in regards to when he will come. I'm getting a tad bit more anxious as to the how. Had an appointment today that included an ultrasound and a new doctor because my regular dr was on call. Ultrasound looked great. Estimated 7lb12oz which is about the 55th percentile. His head is a little larger comparatively, 84th percentile...yikes! But that wasn't a surprise and still not in the range that is especially concerning for my doc. It's also not likely to grow much more.

I am so grateful that both my regular dr and the one I saw today are both fairly laid back when it comes to the induction discussion. I was afraid with the ultrasound today they would start pushing it but he said we would probably start talking about it next week if that's where I want to go. But as long as the NST is good next week I think both dr and patient will want to wait. Unfortunately not much progress today on the dilating front. Oh well. Maybe next time. He suggested I give my uterus a pep talk :).

Unfortunately, the area in which I have made progress is that I am approximately 400% pissier and weepier than I was last week. I mean, seriously. The smallest things set me off. Luckily I have been able to contain the explosion of emotions to Max and my mom. I feel bad but I say luckily because they are so understanding. Max has been so great. He keeps telling me that I'm doing great and it's ok that I'm crying, uncontrollably, for no apparent reason. I've seriously cried more in the last four days than the last 8 months combined. I feel like I'm completely losing it.

And on top of that....I'm getting another cold! Rage!!! I'm so over this. Third one since thanksgiving.

Anyway, still hanging in there. Waiting for some excitement. And hoping to finish out the work week.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

the perils of procrastination

I think I've mentioned this before, but I am a procrastinator. I am also a pretty laid back, go with the flow type of person. You know when lots of infertiles talk about the challenge of being Type A and dealing with infertility? I don't so much relate to that. While there have been many, many challenging aspects of this journey, that has not been one of them for me.

In the whole pregnancy process, I think that does me some good. I feel like I have a pretty healthy attitude about pregnancy, labor and even in raising my child because of my ability to adapt, be flexible and go with the flow. We use a program called Strengths***Quest at work a lot and one of mine is Adaptability. I don't get stressed about unforeseen circumstances. In fact, I often do better work when thrown a curve ball.

So as I approach the big milestones coming up, I am able to have an idea of what I want and how things would go in a best case scenario, but know that it may not happen that way. There is very little I can control through this and I'm ok with that. If I need/want to change my mind at the last minute, that's find. It's just part of it.

But one of the downsides of this personality can be a lack of structure, which in my case leads to procrastination. This character trait manifests itself in different ways in my life. I have been able to get fairly good control of it in my work life by using deadlines. Pretty much any task I have has a pretty specific timeline or deadline set by outside circumstances or other people. I know what that timeline or deadline is and I meet it.

So here is the current challenge. In reality, there is no timeline on this baby. At almost 38 weeks, it could happen tomorrow, or it could still be another month. And honestly, I'm fine with either. It's just really strange to not know when such a huge, life altering thing will happen. There is this huge....thing.....looming ahead and I cannot for the life of me tell how close it is!

And because I don't have a "deadline", I'm not done with some things that I want to be done with. And because I could, in fact, still have an entire month left....I can't make myself hurry. What's wrong with me?!? Ha. I go back and forth most days between - "oh my gosh I've got to get stuff done" and "no worries...I've got a month!" Do you know how much time difference there is in tomorrow and one month from now? It's huge! :)

Bottom line: As of Friday's appointment, I was dilated 1 cm and have had some "signals" that my body is doing what it is supposed to do. But that doesn't tell me anything except it will happen at some point.

So, I will keep marking of one task at a time and taking it one day at a time. And maybe try to set a deadline! :)

Thursday, January 10, 2013

nearing the end

I just realized how long it's been since I updated. And I went back to my last post. Geez, I was emotional! I guess it comes and goes. But today I'm feeling much better :).

Overall we had a great holiday. In some ways it was a completely different feeling, and in some ways I experienced the same uncertainty and sadness as some previous years. We had some "anniversary" days related to the miscarriage that were definitely difficult. Thankfully Max was by my side and so understanding.

January 1 brought the realization that I am having a baby this year. Deep breath. Wow.

We've had a bit of a rough start to the year health wise. First Max had a sinus infection. I am now recovering from a cold. And now Max has the flu. I'm just praying I don't get it! I did get a flu shot in the fall so hopefully I'll be safe. Our house was also broken into this week in the middle of the day. Luckily, we believe our super star guard dog prevented them from getting too far. They basically emptied out a couple of jewelry boxes/stands. Unfortunately, they got a few things that are irreplaceable but of little value to anyone but us. It's just a bummer.

Pregnancy wise I'm not doing too bad. I'm almost 37 weeks and I keep hearing how miserable I should be. But it's ok so far. His movements are starting to get a tad painful at times, and I'm sure that will get worse before we're done. My biggest problem is how tired I am. The morning is a major struggle. Fixing my hair, which has always been a bit of a process, feels like I'm running a 10k.

I still feel like we have a lot to do, but we are slowly marking things off the list. The sicknesses haven't helped matters. I definitely have a lot to do at work before my last day. I'm just trucking along, trying to get as much done as I can at both home and work before he gets here.

At this point I'm just trying to take things as they come. I'm not yet wishing for things to speed up or for time to slow down. On one hand I am so ready to hold him, on the other I'll take all the time I can get to be more prepared. Either way, it will happen how it happens!