Wednesday, March 28, 2012

pregnancy or progesterone (or imagination)

Let's play a game! It's a talk-show style game where I give you a symptom and you tell me if it's pregnancy, progesterone or imagination. I think this will be fun for everyone.

Exhaustion - I'm soooo tired. Even after going to bed and waking up at fairly normal times, I can barely keep my eyes open while driving to work. And for the past two nights I've fallen asleep in my chair at 8:45 while watching at least semi interesting television. I distinctly remember this being present before my beta last time.

Emotional - I cried in the Hunger Games on Sunday. I cried at work yesterday after a very minimal screw up. I cry every time I think about getting a phone call on Monday afternoon after my beta. I definitely remember the emotions of last time, but it was a little later in the process.

Dry, itchy skin? - This one is weird, but it happened last time too. My legs especially are crazy dry and itchy. I lotion up approximately 5 times a day. Weird.

And finally, waking up before my alarm and I can't go back to sleep because I have to pee so bad - Worst feeling ever. I lay there and will my body to cooperate and let me sleep for 15 more minutes. But no, I have to pee. So. Bad. This definitely was an issue last time, but I don't remember when.

Ok, let the game begin.

I say imagination for all. I guess we'll see on Monday whether I win or lose.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

reality after distraction

This week really has been great. I was busy all day in board meetings and exploring San Antonio with good friends/colleagues at night. Other than the progesterone, I really didn't think much about the current circumstances.

I got home last night and got some much needed sleep. Sitting I church this morning though, reality covered me like a blanket. I could literally feel it setting in.

The funny thing is, I feel mostly hope. For whatever reason, I really feel like this will work.

We will see. One more week.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

iui today

We had IUI #2 this morning. I'm so thankful that we got to do it. I am currently in a plane headed to San Antonio for work. Without Mac. So we just made it!

It was fairly uneventful. I managed to stay pretty calm this morning and only snapped at Max once (short temper is one of my stress responses...he handles me pretty well).

We actually also got results back on Friday from the antibodies testing we had done at the beginning of the cycle. No surprise here, my numbers were borderline for ACL. I haven't had time to get too far into research (not even enough to remember what that stands for...anti something lipids maybe?) but it basically means that my body may produce a blood clot between me and a growing baby. Normal is under 12; the nurse called over 20 and intermediate positive. Mine were 15. We will do another test in 6 weeks or when we get a positive pregnancy test, whichever comes first. If it comes back positive then, the treatment will be heparin injections or baby aspirin. If it comes back negative, I will have the option of doing a more detailed thrombosis panel. So. We will see.

Max struggled today with putting me on a plane right after the IUI. He was hoping we could take off all day this time. But he will be busy too so hopefully this distraction will shorten the two week torture.

I will start progesterone suppositories tomorrow night. Starting Thursday I will do 3 a day. Since we know it was an issue last time we are going straight in to the dosage I was on in the end. That makes me more comfortable. And ten if we get a positive we may add injections back in depending on levels.

So I'm feeling nervous, anxious, desperate, calm, excited, hopeful. All things I would expect at this point.

Wish me luck! And luck to all of you in the middle of this as well!

Friday, March 16, 2012


Among all of the emotions running through me lately, I'm trying to find a little joy, perspective and reflection. Here are some great things I've been reading, seeing and listening to. Enjoy!

I related to this message to 'my' body so much. I thought it was one of the most beautifully written blog posts I've ever read.

IF can be incredibly hard on relationships. We all know that. Max and I probably have more than our share of arguments and to be honest, I usually win. This post, Marriage is for Losers, struck a chord with me. I immediately thought of at least 10 ways that I need to "lose" in our relationship. Not just lose to Max, but lose to our marriage. It's time to let go of some things. Past time.

Comparison is definitely a trap I fall into in the blogging community. I used to keep up a general personal blog that focused more on....well basically, stuff. It began to get exhausting because I wanted what everyone else had. This obviously becomes a problem in the IF world as well. You have all probably seen the quote, "Comparison is the thief of joy". I've seen this credited to Dwight Edwards, but I haven't been able to verify that. This short post about comparison is great.

While I haven't allowed myself (even when I was pregnant) to pin any photos that would give away the fact that I'm planning a nursery in my head. I am always on the lookout for nursery ideas. This color scheme stands out to me. Soft pink, neutrals and a pop of neon? Yes, please!

After Max and I met the niece this weekend, we went to Nashville for a night to enjoy a little getaway. When looking for some live music, I was ecstatic to find that one of my favorite bands was randomly in Nashville Monday night. Imagine Dragons put on a GREAT show. They were so humble and gracious. It was a super amount of fun. This is my favorite song.

Though this is making a quick climb to 2nd.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

cd3 appointment

So this happened last week but I'm just now catching up to my thoughts. I'm writing this to help me process and to remember my baby that could have been.

When Max and I got in the car to make the 20 minute drive, we were running late and I was mainly focused on my breakfast and my makeup. As we got on the interstate though, my head calmed down and I realized what we were doing. Suddenly I was overcome with a strange mix of sadness and hope. Sadness that we needed to start this process again, and hope the it will result in a baby in my arms this time.

It really was good to be back at the clinic. The receptionist is crazy perky. My first day there I was super annoyed. But that day it felt like coming home.

My emotions reached a tipping point in the ultrasound room. I sat on the table and the "life" of my child flashed through my mind. The day I had the ultrasound and we knew we were finally moving forward with an iui. We were doing something! The day I laid on the table with a death grip on Max's hand expecting to be told it was not a viable pregnancy. Instead we saw a heartbeat at 5 weeks 6 days. One more ultrasound on that exact table where I started to feel like this might happen. We talked to the np about heading home for Christmas and telling our siblings. She gave us extra pictures to leave with our families. And then the final ultrasound. What I remember most was the feeling of dread. I knew.

So as I sat on the table last Thursday, I was filled with sadness and hope. While I am so ready to move forward; so ready for a different outcome, I am still so sad about the baby we lost.

When the np came in (different one; I'm not a fan) and began to get the machine ready, I thought for a second about bolting. But suddenly Max was holding my hand and I knew he was thinking about our December visits as well. As the magic wand began to do its thing, I got lost in the memory of searching for the baby, searching for the heartbeat, the overwhelming joy and relief when we saw it. For a minute, I saw the little flicker on the screen. As I closed my eyes the np started rattling off measurements and taking pictures. And I blocked it all out and wished with all of my being that we would get to see that flicker again soon.

Only time will tell.

Sunday, March 11, 2012


I've got so many thoughts and things to talk about. But I don't have the time or the emotional stamina to get it done. I will settle for some short updates.

The appointment this week went well. It was interesting and I would like to write more about it soon. Everything looked good and I started letrozole yesterday. I'm not sure when i will hear from the antibodies testing. It may be a few days. I'm also stressed about the timing of the IUI as I have a work trip scheduled next week. All we can do is wait and see though.

Max and I are driving to Tennessee right now to see the baby. I'm pretty numb and indifferent about it right now. I don't know how I should feel. I'm exhausted after a work trip this weekend so I'm worried I will be extra emotional. I don't now. I can only be what I am. Make sense?

I need to write a post I've been thinking a lot about recently. About why I blog (promoted by a post by Unaffected).

Until I have time for a longer post., let me just say that the support I have gotten from all of you in the last week has been unreal. The emotions related to the birth of my niece have made me feel completely crazy. When I get a comment from someone that is full of empathy and void of judgment, I feel loved like I never have been before. You all have been my unconditionally loving family and my comforting and compassionate best friends. And I know this is horrible to say, but in a time that I am very angry at my God, you have provided the hope and peace that I can't seem to get from Him right now.

I'm trying to let this go and get over the dramatics, but I feel like my heart has been pierced so deeply. While I figure out how to move forward with my family, I feel so lucky to have you all on my side.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

back in the saddle

Or should I say stirrups.

I have my first appointment tomorrow at my clinic since I had my follow up after the miscarriage. It's just for baseline ultrasound and bloodwork to make sure we are ready to get started with the cycle.

They will also do an antibodies test to check for autoimmune issues that could have caused the miscarriage. I honestly don't expect them to find an issue.

I can't decide how I feel about going back. If I'm being honest, it's been at least a little freeing to not have the appointments and the tests. But it all starts back tomorrow. If all goes well, I will start letrozole on Saturday and do the iui in the neighborhood of next weekend. Here's hoping.

Still struggling with and processing the birth of my niece. Finding it very difficult to know what I feel. Another "funny" tidbit from my birthday. I opened a piece of mail thinking it was a birthday card, but instead found a baby shower invite. Ouch.

Friday, March 2, 2012

she is here

Honestly, it's a little unbelievable. I am literally in disbelief that it happened this way.

They ended up needing to do a c-section and I hate that for her. It's something she badly did not want to happen. But they are both safe and healthy. For that I am thankful.

But beyond that, I'm in shock.

When I rolled over to hit snooze this morning (at 4:15 mind you...crazy busy work day) I saw the text from my mom immediately. When I realized what it said, I had to ask myself a few times if this was really the day. Is it the 1st? The 3rd? Or is today really my birthday? Yes, it's real.

I've read some posts lately about how infertility always sticks with you. Once an infertile, always infertile. Honestly, i don't know if I bought that. Now I'm convinced. This will be a constant reminder of what I couldn't do. I know I will love her. I already do. But this piece of my heart cannot be fixed.

I've gotten several texts about hiw exciting this is. My cousin texted to say happy birthday and how exciting it must be to share this day with a 3rd generation. But it's the wrong baby.

It's unreal.

I'm so mad. The odds of this are so minuscule. She is TWO WEEKS past her due date!

My brother called to say happy birthday. It was a surreal conversation. Trying to be upbeat and exciting. Not having to pretend to be genuinely concerned for them. But not sure where to go from there.

Luckily my busy day at work has been distracting. My students have given me lots of birthday attention. Max ordered me macarons, shipped all the way from Paulette's in Beverly Hills. We are having dinner (with plenty of wine) at one of my favorite local places tonight. I'm currently drinking my second Starbucks of the day. I'm trying to enjoy my birthday.

But constantly racing through the back of the mind is what I don't have. What I could do. Bittersweet thoughts for the wrong baby born today.

march 2

Today is my birthday. I've talked about this before, but I need to revisit. My mother and I share a birthday. It's always been one of my favorite parts of our relationship. She calls me the gift that keeps on taking :).

From the time I began thinking about having children, I knew I wanted to have a baby girl on my 30th birthday. My mom was 30 when she had me. Obviously, I knew this wasn't realistic. Even if I could somehow time a baby to be due in this vicinity, babies come when they want to come. Even so, it was always something in my head and in my heart.

When I reached the point that I knew this wouldn't be possible, I reached a turning point in the infertility journey. It was real. And my heart was changed. But to stay positive, I said it's ok. I'll have a baby girl on my 31st birthday. That's today.

I last left the story of my sister-in-law last weekend when she went into labor while Max and I were home visiting family. As it turns out, my niece did not arrive that day. They sent my sister-in-law home and she has been at three centimeters since. We made it past Max's 30th birthday with no baby. We made it past our weekend at home with no baby.

And this morning, I got a text from my mom at 3:41 am saying they were on their way to the hospital. When I called my mom to say Happy Birthday, she had just gotten a text that said "pushing".

And I am heartbroken. This is my baby. The one I dreamed of. This is my mother's first (maybe only) granddaughter arriving on her birthday. Yet, it's not my baby.

I fell like God said, you think it will be painful for her to be born on Max's birthday? You think it will be hard to be there when she's born? Just wait. I'll show you what I can do. Happy effing birthday.