Wednesday, January 4, 2012


I'm feeling like I'm seeing a little light today, so I think I will run with it and spend some time thinking about the things I have been thankful for in this experience. 

Max. He has to be first. He has been absolutely amazing. Of course he always has been, but something like this really brings it home. I truly can't imagine a better person in the whole world. From the moment I got on the ultrasound table one week ago this morning, he has not let me go. He gripped my hands so hard that day as I sobbed through the ultrasound. There were times in the following days that we were literally clinging to each other with the only strength we had left. He made my nurses cry with his prayer before they took me to the OR. In every moment, he has said the exact right thing, which has sometimes been nothing at all. He can tell with no words spoken when I need him to grab my hand or give me a hug or make me laugh (or make me a drink :). I wish you could all know him.

Christmas. To be honest, and I think I've mentioned this, Thanksgiving was hell. We were in the unknown and babies were all around. It was hell. I am so thankful we got to experience Christmas with joy in our hearts. I got to reconnect with my pregnant sister in law, which was helpful for both her and me and allowed her to be able to support me when I needed it. I got to be happy with my niece and nephews and feel like my old self in regards to babies and pregnancies. Luckily, and surprisingly,. the memories of Christmas have not been ruined by the events of the following week. Of course, it didn't do New Year's any favors.

My clinic. I had my follow-up appointment this morning and it was so good to be back in my normal office, even on these terms. The astonishingly bubbly receptionist that majorly annoyed me at first made me feel right at home with a hug and a few tears of her own. It just reminds me how often they go through this with women and how much they want it for us. Everyone has been so compassionate and understanding, but very positive about getting us pregnant again.

Being with a man for the first time. wink wink. I think I've written about my aversion to male doctors. Just because of scheduling, one of the men in the practice had to do my d&c. And yes, I know I was out of it for the actual procedure, but talking to him first by video conference and then in the hospital really eased my mind. He was great, really, and it may have helped me move toward getting over that a bit.

Singing in the car. I did it for the first time today, before I even realized what was happening. It's the first time I have felt spontaneous happiness since Wednesday (other than cracking up during Sherlock Holmes when Robert Downey Jr. was riding the miniature horse). For just a second I forgot to be sad and I was just being.

The ALI blog community. I am so thankful that an old friend trusted me enough to bring me in to this community. I honestly can't imagine going through this without the love and support I have gotten here.

Whew. It felt good to be positive for at least a little bit. The sadness is exhausting, and unfortunately, it's not over yet. But I know every day will get a little better. And I know I will bring a baby home one day.

1 comment:

  1. Glad that you had a little break from the grieving today. And that you've had such good support.