Wednesday, May 30, 2012

my mood

It's rough. My emotions are definitely being expressed through anger and snark at work right now. My coworkers and students are taking the brunt of it.

I find myself having a conversation with someone at work then walking away and thinking, "my gosh that was mean. Control yourself!"

Not exactly sure how to deal with that.

In other news, I gave myself my first shot tonight. It was heparin in my stomach. Not too bad. Max will be out of town on Monday and Tuesday so I have to learn how to do this. The progesterone in the butt will be more difficult. I think I'm going to have to get a friend to do that. Not sure I can get the right angle. Any words of wisdom?

Thanks for all the well wishes. I still can't believe it.

Hoping many of you get some resolution soon as well, no matter what oath you are currently traveling.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

beta #2

Sweet Jesus. It's real.


That's a doubling time of 28.5 hours. Is that too fast? Of course, I have to have something to worry about. :)

I was totally not expecting that number. I was crossing my fingers for 125. Wow.

So, now I start heparin injections twice a day. First one in just a few minutes. Wish me luck!

Monday, May 28, 2012

symptom check

So there have been a few signs that things are as they should. This has been a bit comforting in the FOUR long days since my first beta.

I definitely have to pee in the middle of the night and the exhaustion has completely set in. My face is a mess in breakouts and the emotions are on the rise. For sure.

I have been feeling oddly calm and positive. For whatever reason, I just think this is it. Everything will be fine. Not sure where it's coming from, but it's there.

Now, I admitted this to Max an my mon at dinner, and I promptly notices some slight cramping after we got home. But I really think its the normal pregnancy/menstrual kind. It's not painful, just there. And I sill really believe this will work.

So anyway, beta #2 tomorrow morning. Should here something between 2:00 and 3:00. I'll let you know!

Friday, May 25, 2012

beta #1

I guess the title should tell you something. If it was bad news, there wouldn't be a #2, right?

It's not all good, but we've been here before.

My clinic considers less than 5 negative and higher than 25 positive. Today, I am 23.1.

This is very close to where I was with the first pregnancy. My first beta then was 23.6 at 13 dpiui. So the number is almost the same, but today I am 12 dpiui. So that's good, yeah?

We'll see. It doesn't matter until I get the next beta, which will be on Tuesday.

Fingers crossed until then.

Monday, May 21, 2012

i want to blog

But I don't have time!!!

Needless to say, I have been sufficiently distracted during this two week wait. I am so focused on work (and sleeping when I'm not at work) that it hasn't left me much time to think what if...or not.

I keep having to catch myself from drinking to much caffeine and dreaming of my glass of wine when I get home (usually after 10 pm).

I've got lots of things to talk about, but absolutely no time. You can be sure I will post on Friday. Beta day.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

waiting game

I've been too busy to do much of anything except work, much less pour my heart out here. But I've been reading along with everyone celebrating and hoping and hurting along with all of you.

We had IUI #3 Sunday. Positive: we had the best numbers from Max's sample that we have had so far. Negative: I was there by myself and had to wait in the procedure room for an hour and a half. I got super emotional.

But, everything went well and the numbers have me all hopeful.

We will see. I'm glad I have such an incredibly busy week and can be completely distracted. Also, my mom will be in town for my beta so I'm happy about that.

hope hope hope

Monday, May 7, 2012

strange cycle day

**UPDATE: The nurse called back and they seem to think everything is fine. It could just be from the meds building up a thick lining. She said to just stay on track and start testing for a surge on Wednesday night. And they definitely did a beta last week so no worries there. But of course, I already knew that. Thanks for humoring me :)

Ok, so something strange is going on with this cycle and I may or may not be freaking out. So, while I wait on the nurse to call back, obsess with me, will you?

Today is CD 10. AF left pretty much completely by the end of CD 4. Last night I started spotting. This is the only time I can remember, ever, having mid-cycle bleeding.

The spotting last night was pretty light and pink. It's gotten slightly heavier this morning (but still definitely would be considered light) and I started cramping this morning. The cramping is mainly on my left side and it's pretty low.  I can't decide if it feels like normal menstrual cramps or the cramps I felt with my pregnancy in December.

This is also coming off an oddly short 23 day cycle last month.

So, what's going on? Could it be ovulation? It's too early really. I usually don't ovulate until day 15 or so. And I've never had bleeding and have only felt it one or two times. It's also gone on for about 15 hours now, which seems to long for ovulation bleeding?

The crazy and stupid part of me is terrified that they messed up and didn't do a beta last week and I'm actually pregnant. Surely not. But because I'm taking femara, which causes birth defects if taken while pregnant, I can't erase the thought. I'm sure that's not it though.

Ok, thoughts? Are there other reasons for mid-cycle bleeding?

**I hate feeling this confused and paranoid. When I read back through this it doesn't even seem like it's me writing it. Yuck.

Friday, May 4, 2012

the budget

Time for a sales pitch. For the record, no one is paying me to say this.

I wanted to talk a little about budget and finances. I know it is a major concern for many families, and sometimes especially those pursuing fertility treatments or adoption. Max and I have never been good with money. I'm a spender. I love to shop and I love things. All kinds of things. Clothes, shoes, books, purses, pretty things for my house, jewelry...the list goes on. I can get quite out of control if I let myself. Max isn't a spender per se, but he also just doesn't think about money much. He's more of a giver. He will pay for things for people, buy things for the church and not get reimbursed, or allow me to buy something if he thinks it will make me happy. He's also not super realistic with the big picture in relation to finances nor about the consequences that financial issues can bring.

I have wanted for several years for us to get better control of our money and just be in an overall better place. We have tried many different methods and most have failed. I might be on top of it for a couple of weeks, then it gets too confusing or too time consuming or I decide I don't like the system. In the fall, all that changed. I found a new budgeting system, interestingly posted by another blogger, and decided to give it a try.

We started using YNAB (You Need a Budget) in September, and I am not exaggerating when I say that it has changed our lives.

There are two main things I like about YNAB. One, the budgeting system is the simplest, most common sense system I have ever used. And I have used a few. And two, there is a philosophy behind the budget. It's not just a place to record what you spend and build a budget. It made me think about our money in a completely different way.

There are four rules that build the philosophy behind YNAB. You can read more about them here. My take away from the rules is this - live off of last month's paycheck, give every dollar a job and make spending decisions based off your budget, not what is in your bank account. Again, that's my interpretation. Prior to starting with YNAB, we would typically end the month with less than $100 dollars in our checking account and with minimal savings. There were many months that I crossed my fingers that transactions cleared in the order I thought they would so we wouldn't go overdraft. Not a fun way to live. And how many times did I log in to online banking before swiping my card to make sure I had enough money? Now, I honestly can't tell the end of the month from the first of the month except for paying bills. I only log in online to record my transactions in YNAB. I don't have to focus on my balance because I am focused on my budget. And we are slowly working toward the goal of putting our entire paycheck toward the next month. It doesn't happen overnight, but we are definitely making progress.

Like I said, the system is super easy to use. It takes a few weeks to get used to things and make it a habit, but I can update our budget and get a handle on our current situation now in about 15 minutes, if not less.

I have never felt more at peace with our finances.

Full disclosure, there are two cons. First, it's not as mobile as I would like it to be. I don't know technical terms, but I wish it would automatically sync from the desktop app, online, another desktop and my phone without wifi. Evernote is an app I use that does that. I do think they are working on that, but as of now it's not great. I only do my budget work on my desktop at work, so if I'm away from the office for several days I don't have access to it. There is a mobile app, but it only syncs through wifi, and I don't have wifi at my office.

The second con isn't really a con. The software costs $60 (there is a free-trial). That gave me pause at first. I hate the thought of paying for something when I'm really trying not to spend money! But I promise, I have saved that $60 ten times over. No joke.

Anyway, all of this to say - money is a definite piece of the infertility pie. For many of us these treatments are coming from out of pocket. Our finances aren't perfect. I definitely still worry about the cost of things that may be coming down the road. But I know we will be better prepared for it because of this budget.

Again, no one paid me to post this. Just a friendly tip!

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

cyst less

The baseline appointment went well yesterday. The cyst was gone and things are looking good. Started the femara today.

I am still worried about the timing, but am doing fairly well with the whole having peace with it soon. My NP encouraged me about some possibilities in being flexible with the timing. And, my I talked to my supervisor yesterday. I've said it before, but I am incredibly lucky. I wanted to put the timeline out on the table and make sure I am not overestimating his understanding of my circumstance and that he was still supportive. As I began to talk through all the possibilities of days 12-16 and everything it could possibly conflict with, he stopped me and said, "Let's put it this way. No matter when it falls, whenever you need to be at the doctor, you will be at the doctor.". See, lucky.

So, just ready to take my pills and get to next week. I really need this to work.