Friday, February 24, 2012

the niece is on her way

Max and I are home this weekend to see the family and celebrate our birthdays. My sister in law was due last Sunday. My only hope was that now that it's been several days, she would just wait until we leave.

We had a dinner tonight with lots of family at my parents house with some of Max's family too. As everyone was finishing up their food, my SIL decided it was probably time to head to the birthing center, about an hour away.

I held it together very well until my dad walked up and figured out what was happening. The look on his face was pure joy. His first granddaughter is on her way.

I was able to quickly leave the room before I lost it completely. I headed toward the front door so I could say bye and give a hug to my brother and SIL on their way out the door. We got to have a good little private cry together before they hit the road.

My parents will head up in the morning. Im not sure what I will do. I guess we will play it by ear.

I wish it were me.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

unexpected support

I got a call from my aunt yesterday that was so nice. This is my mom's sister and we don't really talk that often. There is some drama between my mom and her siblings. While this aunt is the most rational of all of them and she and my mom have remained fairly close, the relationship has been strained.

She called me out of the blue yesterday. I almost didn't answer because I don't have her number in my phone. She just said she had been thinking about me a lot since my mom told her about the miscarriage. After giving me some time and distance, she decided to call to check on me. We ended up talking some about her experiences. She has one daughter but had two miscarriages after my cousin was born. My uncle was very discouraged after that and didn't want to go through it again so they stopped trying. She shared some of her feelings of regret and that her miscarriages are still difficult and sad for her. She also asked me very basic, open ended questions about our situation and let me talk about whatever.

This wasn't ground breaking or life changing, but it was so nice to feel the love and concern from her at such a completely unexpected time.

I also ended up talking about our situation a little bit to some of the women at Max's birthday party Sunday night. I know, fun party topic huh? Surprisingly, the one woman who showed the most compassion and understanding is the one who honestly gets on my nerves a good bit. I've been unsure how she feels about me, but felt very comforted by her on Sunday.

I'm honestly having a rough time right now. I'm beyond stressed at work, still very sad at times, anxious about what is to come, and stressed about finances. These two conversations were small bright spots in my crazy crazy world.

Friday, February 17, 2012


I have a couple of random things to write about so I'm putting them in one post.

**First, Max's birthday was great. I had some surprises for him throughout the day and it was fun to see him get excited. We did dinner and drinks with friends last night and had a blast. To be honest, I'm still a little hungover. Nothing major, but not 100% (oops). My workout should be interesting today.

**I'm very much looking forward to the party Sunday night. I will probably stress out at the last minute, and I might get emotional, but I'm very excited. We have a group of young clergy that are kind of all scattered about and they will all be there, plus our best friends that now live 4.5 hours away. I know that a party with a bunch of clergy and their partners doesn't sound all that exciting to some of you, but we're fun. I promise.

**My new niece is due to arrive on Sunday. Thankfully, she was not born on Max's birthday. The story behind my delight in that is a bit complicated and I will go into it at some point. But it's something I've been very anxious about since the day I found out it was a girl. I was literally on the edge of seat yesterday and praying I wouldn't get the call. And I didn't! I am very hopeful that she will be born soon and healthy now that we are past that hurdle. Although I will be a bundle of emotions.

**Joanna at A Cup of Jo (not an infertility blog, but great nonetheless) wrote this post today about authenticity. The message from her mother is wonderful. It made me think of all of you and the support in this community. And how I have learned to open up to people through this journey and share my story even when it's scary. Good quick read.

**I'm currently obsessed with perusing the Fall 2012 Ready to Wear lines from New York Fashion Week. There are some REALLY great collections. My favorites have been Calvin Klein Collection, Milly, J. Mendel, and Naeem Khan. I absolutely adore the Naeem Khan collection. Every piece. It's so fun to dream about fashion.

**So many of you have been on my heart the past few days. Even when I'm not great at commenting, please know that I'm thinking of you and hoping for joy in your journey.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

approaching a non-existent milestone

By my lack of posts lately, you may not be sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing. Honestly, I've been doing pretty well.

I had a very normal cycle last week, which has given me a lot of hope for the next few weeks before we try IUI again in March. I am a little stressed over the timing, as I have a work trip to San Antonio scheduled which will probably fall exactly when we are supposed to do the IUI. I'm a bit stressed about that, but right now know there is nothing I can do.

But something has been slowly creeping up on me. Since the miscarriage, I have seen several pregnancy announcements that I consider stupid. Either people that I don't think should be allowed to procreate, or people who announce there pregnancy in an obnoxious way on facebook at something like 5 weeks. (no offense if you've done each their own...I get that sometimes you just want to tell people...I don't judge you).

Something new is happening. I am beginning to see and hear pregnancy announcements from people who I like. And at a reasonable time, 15 or 16 weeks. Which means their due date is close to mine. Actually, someone announced on facebook yesterday with my exact due date. And I'm only on facebook like once every two weeks! How did I catch that?

I just keep thinking - we could be pregnant together! Our babies could share a birthday! I want it to be me!!!

16 weeks was when we thought we would make the pregnancy general knowledge. Obviously some people already knew, and we would have told more people as time passed. But 16 weeks was what we had in mind for telling the whole world.

Max turns 30 tomorrow. We are having a birthday shindig for him on Sunday night. Our plan was to tell some friends at the party as part of his birthday celebration. Not so much. Instead I'll play the happy hostess and break away every now and then to cry in the bathroom. Luckily my best friend will be in town from 4.5 hours away.

I find myself wondering how Max is feeling approaching this birthday. And the non-existent announcement. Is 30 hitting him as hard as it hit me a year ago?

Monday, February 6, 2012


She's here! AF got here first thing this morning.

From her very first visit in Coach Brown's 7th grade history class, my emotions at her arrival have ranged from annoyance to devastation. Never have I felt overjoyed and hopeful. Until today.

After 3 straight days of emotional breakdowns with no apparent, direct source, I knew it was only a matter of time. Here's hoping this cycle is super close to normal and we are approaching IUI #2 in about 6 weeks.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

spontaneous emotional collapse

This morning I went to feed the parking meter. I dropped a quarter and it rolled under my car and I immediately burst into tears. I got in my car and shut the door (because I was in the middle of campus) and proceeded to sob for 30 minutes. I was late for a staff meeting, but every time I tried to get out of the car, it started all over again.

Does this emotional collapse mean that AF is just around the corner? One can only hope.

These last 5 weeks have been never ending. One more week for either AF to show up, or until I can call the clinic and see what's up. Either way, I would love for this week to fly by.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

pinterest pretties: february 1

Back again with another pinterest post! Do you notice a color theme with this one? I've been dying for these colors lately!

{1} Elie Saab Spring 2012 Couture (picture from
{2} Christian Dior Spring 2012 Couture (picture from
{3) The Wildwood Chronicles by Colin Meloy, illustrated by Carson Ellis (I believe this is technically a youth book, but I loved it. It's very whimsical and the illustrations are outstanding! Just look at that cover!)
{4} Color inspiration from Creature Comforts (Fortune Favors the Brave art print by Alyssa Nassner | Small Talk Studio)
{5} Hanging pendant lamp from Urban Outfitters
{6} Homemade dumplings from Bee Yinn Low editor of RasaMalaysia via Design*Sponge