Monday, November 28, 2011

in between

Got the call.

So hCG of <5 is negative. hCG of >25 is positive.

Mine was 23.6. In between. The nurse said semi-congratulations.

I go back on Thursday morning to see if it has increased.

Three more days of waiting.

Like I said. Excruciating.

an excrutiating day

I went in for my beta this morning.

And I've waited all day for the phone call.

I missed it. I was finishing a meeting and didn't hear my phone vibrate. Left a message. Said they would call back soon.

I can't make myself say the words, but I don't think it's good news. Just a feeling.

This is excruciating. Beyond.

Friday, November 18, 2011

the dangerous hope

I have been incredibly overwhelmed and crazy busy at work the last week or so. I wish I had written things down earlier in the week to really record how I was feeling. But I continued to run out of time.

We did our first IUI on Tuesday morning. According to the doctor, everything went well. We also got Max's last analysis results back and his numbers had improved significantly. To "normal" levels. So we felt really good about that.

I consider this to be my first official two week wait. And it is tough. If I thought infertility was all-consuming before, I was unprepared for this. I can almost literally not think of anything else. This is the first two week wait where I actually felt a shred of hope, that there could actually be a chance that we are pregnant.And that question, are we or aren't we, is all that goes through my mind.

As I'm walking down the hall at work, my mind changes with each step I take. Pregnant. Not pregnant. Pregnant. Not pregnant. Pregnant. Not pregnant.

I sit at my desk and pray for God to tell me now. Whatever it is. Tell me.But there is no answer.

One minute I convince myself that I am pregnant. That all we needed was a little push, and that it worked. That 9 months from now I will finally have my baby.

The next minute I know for sure that I am not. That we will take December off and be ready to try again in January. And that that won't work either. And we will try IUI one more time. And that won't work either. Then we will have to decide. IVF or adoption.

One minute I am planning around the pregnancy I'm already sure I have. The next minute I say to hell with it. You can't plan around something that won't ever happen.

Hope is a bit of a jerk like that. It makes you feel all warm and fuzzy and like you're finally getting want you want. And then you know you won't get it simply because you want it so much.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011


My mom returned home with me this week so I didn't have to drive back from Tennessee by myself. Max had to stay behind and preach a revival this week. It gave us an opportunity to have a long talk on the drive. I was finally able to voice some things that I hadn't allowed myself to say out loud.

My mom is great and absolutely my best friend (other than Max). She has dealt with depression in the past and is actually still on some medicine. After listening to me struggle to express myself for a couple of hours, she suggested I go see a counselor. It's something I've definitely thought about, but could never really bring myself to actually do it.

Well, like many people, November is Benefits Month at my job. So that's the time for Open Enrollment and when HR does a lot of awareness projects for benefits. One benefit I get is called Employee Assistance Program where I actually get 3 free sessions year with a counselor or psychologist in-network.

So, today I bit the bullet. I found a psychologist that has experience working with infertility and called to set up an appointment. They took my information and will call back to set up an actual time. I guess I will go some time next week. Which, ironically, is also when our IUI should happen. I am hopeful that I can set up a time after work because I already feel very guilty about all of the work I miss for doctor visits.

I would love to hear from someone who has taken this approach for infertility or other issues. I just don't know what to expect.

Friday, November 4, 2011

headed home

Max and I are headed home this weekend to see the family. We are both very excited. It's been a while since we have been "home". But it comes with its complications too.

My dad is sick and you never really know how he will be. Then there are all the babies. And the soon to be babies. And all of the family members who ask crazy questions about when we are going to have babies.

We are staying with my parents where my pregnant sister in law also lives. I new a whole post devoted to that.

A very exciting part of this weekend is that it is the Alabama/LSU game. If you're not a fan of college football, it's a big deal. I'm not a fan of either, but our beat friends are Alabama fans so we will be watching with them. Very excited about that. Today is also out god daughter's 13th birthday and we will celebrate that as well.

So, lots to look forward to this weekend. I am praying for a good attitude and emotional stability.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

long week and another paper sheet

As I mentioned, I've been out of town for the last week for a work conference. It was tons of fun, a lot of work, and exhausting. I got to see some really great friends that I don't get to see that often. But like I said, it was exhausting.

So I did Femera this cycle and began using Progesterone tablets. I knew my next cycle should have started on Monday. I expected it to happen all day Monday, but nothing. I began to get a little hope in my head, which for me basically begins freaking me out and making me act like an emotional fool. So, I got in my head that I had to get a pregnancy test right then. I was supposed to be meeting friends to head out to Bourbon Street to see the Halloween festivities. Yes, Bourbon Street. So, I go to Walgreens, 1 block from Bourbon. Do you know how awkward it is to buy a HPT smack in the middle of the crazy partiers? Madness.

Well, I run back to the hotel and realize I meant to get a digital test, but didn't. I hate the non-digital tests. They completely freak me out. I can't tell if there is a line there or not. I literally see a line one minutes, and the next I don't. I took both tests in the box, both of which I couldn't really tell the results. So then I was even more freaked out/hopeful. There was a CVS on another corner, so I ran out of the hotel down to the CVS (walking by myself in Nola on Halloween night). I'm in CVS, and I can't find the HPTs anywhere! I walk around CVS forever, no one is available to help me because the line at the counter is ages long. By this time I'm 20 minutes late to meet up with friends, so I begin walking back down Canal Street crying on the phone with Max. So I go out to Bourbon Street, in a horrible mood, and basically sit in the corner depressed all night.

I wake up Tuesday morning sure that I will start. I go all day long and nothing. Again, it's dinner time and I'm desperate to take a test. I tell my friends to go on and I will meet them at the restaurant. Thankfully, one of my greatest friends that I get to see twice a year follows after me because she knows a tiny bit about the infertility issues and could tell that I was not doing well. She ends up walking with me back to Walgreens to get the test, then to the restaurant where I proceed to pee on the stick in the restaurant bathroom. The digital test is of course negative which really only confirmed what I thought. Hope is one thing, but I truly knew I wasn't. I went ahead and took one the next morning too, just in case, but no. And I started later in the day.

Oh well. I'm now looking forward to moving forward this cycle with IUI. This week was very emotionally draining, especially not being with Max. I'm thankful for my friend who knew me well enough to know to follow me.

I went for my baselines today and everything looks good. I will start Femera on Monday. We'll see.