I should be 12 weeks today. But I'm not.
I spent a lot of the morning remembering how it used to feel when I thought about this day. 12 weeks. How unbelievable does that sound? It's very hard to imagine what that will one day, eventually, feel like.
I remember thinking in early December, "Just get to the end of January. Then you can tell your students! You can tell the church! If you want, you can do an idiotic Facebook announcement. You can breathe!".
Sorry. That was me being angry.
This also means that I am 4 weeks from my d&c and the obsessive wait for AF to arrive has begun. I'm so afraid that this has knocked my previously perfectly normal cycles out of whack. I am praying, literally, to start sometime in the next 2 weeks. I've NEVER wanted AF to come so bad in my life.
On a slightly different note, I've found it very helpful to talk to more people about what's happening. After my workout on Monday, I called a good friend who has been great about checking in on me to fill her in on the last couple of months. I decided to call on the way home from the gym because I am always in such a good mood after. And it worked - no tears, only a few moments that I had to take some deep breaths! She was wonderfully supportive and said all the right things. Then I was getting my hair done last night and my stylist asked how things had been going. On the spur of the moment, I just decided to tell her. We had a GREAT chat for the next 2.5 hours (it's a loooong process). She's about 25 and getting married in May. She really appreciated me opening up because she hates that everyone acts like their lives are perfect. It's helpful to know that other people have problems and that life doesn't work always work out the way you plan. Maybe these conversations will help her when the inevitable challenges come her way, whether they are infertility or other things. She also wondered how many of her friends and family may be silently going through this and what she could do to reach out to them.
So, a bit of an up and down post today. Lots on my mind. So badly wishing that I was 12 weeks pregnant today. But I'm not.