Thursday, January 26, 2012

wishing things were different

I should be 12 weeks today. But I'm not.

I spent a lot of the morning remembering how it used to feel when I thought about this day. 12 weeks. How unbelievable does that sound? It's very hard to imagine what that will one day, eventually, feel like.

I remember thinking in early December, "Just get to the end of January. Then you can tell your students! You can tell the church! If you want, you can do an idiotic Facebook announcement. You can breathe!".


Sorry. That was me being angry.

This also means that I am 4 weeks from my d&c and the obsessive wait for AF to arrive has begun. I'm so afraid that this has knocked my previously perfectly normal cycles out of whack. I am praying, literally, to start sometime in the next 2 weeks. I've NEVER wanted AF to come so bad in my life.

On a slightly different note, I've found it very helpful to talk to more people about what's happening. After my workout on Monday, I called a good friend who has been great about checking in on me to fill her in on the last couple of months. I decided to call on the way home from the gym because I am always in such a good mood after. And it worked - no tears, only a few moments that I had to take some deep breaths! She was wonderfully supportive and said all the right things. Then I was getting my hair done last night and my stylist asked how things had been going. On the spur of the moment, I just decided to tell her. We had a GREAT chat for the next 2.5 hours (it's a loooong process). She's about 25 and getting married in May. She really appreciated me opening up because she hates that everyone acts like their lives are perfect. It's helpful to know that other people have problems and that life doesn't work always work out the way you plan. Maybe these conversations will help her when the inevitable challenges come her way, whether they are infertility or other things. She also wondered how many of her friends and family may be silently going through this and what she could do to reach out to them.

So, a bit of an up and down post today. Lots on my mind. So badly wishing that I was 12 weeks pregnant today. But I'm not.


  1. I'm sorry that you're not 12 weeks today, Hattie. =(

    I'm glad that you're opening up to others about your situation. It's not something that we should have to go through alone. Sometimes I think that I tell too many people. Most everyone that I "know" has a general knowledge about what we're going through. I haven't told a lot of my husband's family, because I'm afraid they'll see it as a weakness. Other than that, I'll shout it from the rooftops, "I'm here, Infertile, Get Used to It!" =)

  2. Hugs to you!! I think AF was a few days to a week late for me after my D&C. Don't worry, she will be back!

  3. Hi Hattie - new to your blog but let me say that I'm so, so sorry! We suffered a miscarriage last year and those weekly markers are so hard. I think it's helpful that you can talk about it with people, share that baby as much as you can. S/he was real and a part of your life, it's ok to talk about them.

    I'm now following along and hoping that our journeys take a good turn soon!

  4. God, I feel you. Everytime a week passes, I think " I would be 28 weeks today...I would have had my baby shower today...I would have probably been on bed rest by today..."

    All the milestones and special dates really hurt sometimes. I hate that we have to be sad about what would have been.

    I'm sorry you are feeling this. I am glad that you are opening up though. I think you are doing fabulous.

  5. The waves hit hard. Sometimes a single thought can rule the entire day. It gets...easier. Easier to release those thoughts instead of being slightly obsessive about them. You're doing great, Hattie. I say a lil prayer every day for "my girls." Saying an extra one for you tonight.

  6. I am so, so very sorry for your loss. I wish it was different.

    I will pray for some peace for you.

  7. I'm so sorry you hit this milestone. I wish it wasn't this way. Please know you're not alone during this time.

    I'll be hoping that AF finds you soon. I completely understand that part, as I'm also wondering how long it will take before I'm able to move forward. Hang in there and be kind to yourself during this time. In the meantime, I'm holding onto hope for good news in the near future.

  8. I am new to your blog too, I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling.

    P.S. your beautiful things have inspired me to join pinterest. What a wonderful site.