Friday, December 30, 2011

miscarriage thoughts

I'm still in a bit of a surreal state a day later. I don't have any cramping and barely any bleeding. I can almost make myself believe it didn't happen. But it did.

To me, it felt inevitable. Like a rite of passage. So many of my friends have got through this. So many of you have gone through this. It was just something I had to do. I'm not lucky enough to never experience this.

Oddly, I feel too young for this. I know that's strange. I am 30 and Max is 29. We often talk about how young we still feel. I can't believe I'm old enough or in real life enough to have this kind of suffering.

I got on etsy on Thursday and impulsively ordered a necklace. A green peridot, the August birthstone. I feel stupid for that. Like its going to help. Who knows? Maybe it will. I guess I will see when it gets here.

After our ultrasound on Wednesday they gave us a little sympathy packet. A book with lots of info about the emotional and mental side of this and a little stuffed lamb. It almost made me feel sad for them. A realization that they have to walk so many women through this that they have those at the ready.

We are doing the chromosome testing on the baby. Anxious to see if they will find any answers. If I understand correctly, they can also find it if it was a boy or girl. I can't decide if I want to know. I know that if/when I get a baby I won't care. But I've been so obsessed lately with having a girl. I'm afraid it will make me sadder if it was a girl. I feel crazy for that as well.

Sorry for the random nature of this post. I'm just trying to get some thoughts out in a safe place.


  1. Thinking of you. I'm really sorry you're going through all of this.

    With all my losses, I've found that having something tangible to hold onto, like a necklace, helps a lot. The one you bought from Esty sounds really nice.

  2. You're in my thoughts, Hattie. The necklace sounds beautiful. May it be a source of comfort for you.

  3. This is not crazy in the slightest... Those of us who unfortunately share this experience with you have thought all of the exact same thoughts.....promise!!! Xoxo

  4. You aren't crazy...and I wish you had been lucky enough to never go through this.

  5. Hi. I came here looking for blogs that I can relate to. I haven't read through your entire story - but noticed that you, like me, have regular cycles and are dealing primarily with MFI. Obviously this being your latest post, I just wanted to comment and give you some hugs. I know you don't know me from Adam - but I can't imagine what you're going through. I am so very sorry and hope your wishes come true soon.

  6. Hi Hattie,

    I've seen your comments on Unaffected's blog and wanted to stop in and offer my support.

    The necklace isn't stupid. It's your momento, your tribute. I did the same thing after my loss and didn't take it off except to shower or sleep for over a year. When I finally took it off to wear a different necklace, I felt like I was betraying my angel. (Who's stupid now?)

    Your words are touching; I'm fighing the tears because it's as if I wrote them myself.

    You're in my thoughts... peace, comfort and gentle hugs.