I'm still in a bit of a surreal state a day later. I don't have any cramping and barely any bleeding. I can almost make myself believe it didn't happen. But it did.
To me, it felt inevitable. Like a rite of passage. So many of my friends have got through this. So many of you have gone through this. It was just something I had to do. I'm not lucky enough to never experience this.
Oddly, I feel too young for this. I know that's strange. I am 30 and Max is 29. We often talk about how young we still feel. I can't believe I'm old enough or in real life enough to have this kind of suffering.
I got on etsy on Thursday and impulsively ordered a necklace. A green peridot, the August birthstone. I feel stupid for that. Like its going to help. Who knows? Maybe it will. I guess I will see when it gets here.
After our ultrasound on Wednesday they gave us a little sympathy packet. A book with lots of info about the emotional and mental side of this and a little stuffed lamb. It almost made me feel sad for them. A realization that they have to walk so many women through this that they have those at the ready.
We are doing the chromosome testing on the baby. Anxious to see if they will find any answers. If I understand correctly, they can also find it if it was a boy or girl. I can't decide if I want to know. I know that if/when I get a baby I won't care. But I've been so obsessed lately with having a girl. I'm afraid it will make me sadder if it was a girl. I feel crazy for that as well.
Sorry for the random nature of this post. I'm just trying to get some thoughts out in a safe place.