Thursday, November 22, 2012


I started an update last week and never finished. Lame. I'll do that tomorrow.

Today I am thinking about what a difference a year makes. Last Thanksgiving didn't seem so different in some ways. I was watching the parade in between working on the food in the kitchen with my mom. Heading to my grandmother's for lunch and Max's grandmother's for dinner. Just like we had done for many years before.

I was actually in the middle of the TWW for my first IUI. So underneath all the normal, I was a mess. As we stood in line for food at my grandmother's house, my cousin walked in and passed out the cards for the big gender reveal she planned. I knew within half a second I would lose It. I quickly gave my half filled plate to my mom and ran. Just as I made it to the bathroom, I heard the exclamations of the new baby girl headed our way. To join my sil's baby girl due in March. I finally returned and chose a seat with some cousins that I knew wouldn't ask questions. I silently cried while forcing myself to eat my food.

As it turns out, I was pregnant then, but would lose the baby about a month later right after Christmas.

I will head to my grandmother's house today almost 30 weeks pregnant. In some ways I am a different person. In some ways I am the same scared, bitter infertile.

Obviously, I am thankful for this baby. I am beyond thankful for Max and who he was for me then and who he is for us now. And I am thankful for this community.

I know today will be incredibly difficult or so many of you. Whether you are in a good place, at your lowest, or in a place if uncertainty, know that I'm thinking if you and thankful you are in my life.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

i own a baby bathtub

We had our first shower today. It was a small meal and shower following church today at one of the churches Max serves. It was probably a good way to wade into the craziness of baby showers.

There were no games (thankfully :). Just lunch and opening a few presents. We got some really cute things and are super thankful for this newish church family for making us feel at home and celebrating this milestone with us.

When I came in before church, I had to go to the bathroom (of course) which meant I had to walk through the area where the shower would be. I walked in and saw the pile of baby gift bags and the sweet cake that had my name on it. My name and baby booties. I immediately lost it. Luckily I was already close to the bathroom door so I was able to sneak in before making a scene. I just can't believe that after all of these years and all of the baby showers I have been to, it was finally our turn.

We've bought a few things over the years. And just a couple of things since being pregnant. But those have all been cute baby things that represented hope. They represented something to come in the future. Today, we got a bathtub. And there's nothing hopeful about that. It's real. It's practical. It's something we will need to take care of our son. Who is coming in less than 12 weeks.

I own a baby bathtub. How surreal is that?