Wednesday, January 18, 2012


Of course, things look a little different the next day. Thank you for all of the thoughts you offered. We will do autoimmune testing before the next IUI to check for problems. I'm not familiar with that at all and wasn't in a place to ask many questions yesterday. But I've been writing some things down and will call back in a couple of days to get some more information.

You know that line that people say after a miscarriage? "It's for the best. It's usually because something was wrong." or something along those lines. When you hear it, it's stupid and annoying, maybe hurtful or enraging. Depending on who it's from, some strong language or desire for bodily harm may ensue. But if I'm being honest, there was a part of me that held on to that fact. Depending on which facts you read, 50-75% of miscarriages are due to chromosomal abnormalities. And many of those are one-time flukes that will never happen again.

What it meant for me was that maybe my baby was spared from a lifetime of pain and suffering. Maybe our family was spared from a more complicated and dangerous issue later in the pregnancy that would have ultimately ended the same.

Instead, now I'm thinking about the tiny, healthy baby that did not survive for some other unknown reason. I know there are hundreds of other possible reasons. Many of which are also one-time flukes that will never happen again. But there are other scary reasons too. And while I know in my head that it wasn't my fault, it was still something my body did or didn't do. And my heart feels so alone in that. It's something that is impossible for Max to understand, as hard as he tries.

Through the process of getting pregnant, I always imagined that once we did, everything would be fine. Getting pregnant is the hard part. But now, there are all of these possibilities that could keep recurring. We will do another IUI in March, and it could work again, and I could lose the baby. Again. The thought of having to go through this over and over and over is terrifying.

My head knows these things: there is a good chance that our next pregnancy will be successful and we will bring a baby home; it is not my fault that we miscarried; it may never happen again; a chromosome abnormality could have been very bad news; there are no test results that would have made this ok.

My heart knows this: I'm grieving for my healthy baby; I'm scared I will have to do this again.


  1. It is very scary after having a miscarriage and so many thoughts run through our heads. I wish things were a little easier.

  2. It's ok to be scared, Hattie. Just know that you don't have to be scared alone. You have Max, your nurses and doctors at ART, and you have all of us out here in blog land. Even though I've never met you and don't even know your real name, I feel like I truly know you.

  3. It's totally ok to be scraed. But remember, normal chormosomes does NOT mean healthy baby.....just because the chromosomes were normal doesn't mean their wasn't something critically wrong with organ development. This is NOT YOUR FAULT!

  4. I understand your feelings Hattie. It's almost impossible to not blame yourself when something happens to the baby you were trying to protect. It happens to all of us. People will tell you that you didn't do anything and it isn't your fault, but the mother inside you still feels it. I feel the guilt all the time.
    All I can tell you is that there is nothing you could have done. It's a small consolation, but it's true.
    I am very scared to try again too. I will be with you probably in March, if I can get my wits about me. It will be scary, but at least we won't be alone in that fear.
    Peace to you friend. - MissC

  5. I completely understand what you're feeling. It impossible not to have those feelings. I think your plan is a sound one. See what your doctor says and proceed from there. In the meantime, let me know if you need anything. Sending you peace and hugs.

  6. It's really scary when it starts to look like what went wrong with a miscarriage might recur.

  7. My iPad just balked and I couln't finish my previous comment. I also wanted to say that it is okay to be scared, and to wonder what you could have done differently. And if you want to know more about immunology stuff, let me know.

  8. Yes, it is totally terrifying to think about going through this pain again. I received normal chromosome results in the fall and it's been difficult to process. I wonder if there's always some little part of us that will feel like we caused the miscarriage, even when we know we didn't. You're so right, our husbands can't understand certain aspects of this experience.

    So sorry for your loss.

  9. stopping by from ICLW . . .
    I'm so sorry this is the news that you ended up getting. Sometimes I think it's harder to know that nothing was wrong - my husband and I have been told that there was no discernable reason why our daughter's prefectly healthy heart stopped at 38 weeks gestation. Four months later, with test result after test result, we still have no other answer except "we don't know why." I wish there was a real answer for you and not just an unknown. And I completely understand your worry about your future babies; it's the same worry I carry in my heart.
    Blessings to you.

  10. First of all, I am so very sorry you have just gone through a pregnancy loss.

    Secondly, know that the chromosomal testing does NOT pick up every abnormality and even a normal genetic test is not a guarantee of a 100% healthy baby.

    Third, since you are already going through fertility treatments, see if they will check you for luteal phase disorder (usually just described as low progesterone levels that prevent a sufficient uterine lining from building up but can be normal levels with your body just not responding correctly). Also, have them check for clotting issues.

    I hope and pray your next pregnancy will be a healthy one.

    ICLW #66

  11. Hi from ICLW

    This fear is exactly why I am overwhelmed with anxiety about starting an IVF process. I have not yet experienced miscarriage, but am so afraid of it recently that it's become somewhat paralyzing.
    Hoping you don't have to go through that again....