Of course, things look a little different the next day. Thank you for all of the thoughts you offered. We will do autoimmune testing before the next IUI to check for problems. I'm not familiar with that at all and wasn't in a place to ask many questions yesterday. But I've been writing some things down and will call back in a couple of days to get some more information.
You know that line that people say after a miscarriage? "It's for the best. It's usually because something was wrong." or something along those lines. When you hear it, it's stupid and annoying, maybe hurtful or enraging. Depending on who it's from, some strong language or desire for bodily harm may ensue. But if I'm being honest, there was a part of me that held on to that fact. Depending on which facts you read, 50-75% of miscarriages are due to chromosomal abnormalities. And many of those are one-time flukes that will never happen again.
What it meant for me was that maybe my baby was spared from a lifetime of pain and suffering. Maybe our family was spared from a more complicated and dangerous issue later in the pregnancy that would have ultimately ended the same.
Instead, now I'm thinking about the tiny, healthy baby that did not survive for some other unknown reason. I know there are hundreds of other possible reasons. Many of which are also one-time flukes that will never happen again. But there are other scary reasons too. And while I know in my head that it wasn't my fault, it was still something my body did or didn't do. And my heart feels so alone in that. It's something that is impossible for Max to understand, as hard as he tries.
Through the process of getting pregnant, I always imagined that once we did, everything would be fine. Getting pregnant is the hard part. But now, there are all of these possibilities that could keep recurring. We will do another IUI in March, and it could work again, and I could lose the baby. Again. The thought of having to go through this over and over and over is terrifying.
My head knows these things: there is a good chance that our next pregnancy will be successful and we will bring a baby home; it is not my fault that we miscarried; it may never happen again; a chromosome abnormality could have been very bad news; there are no test results that would have made this ok.
My heart knows this: I'm grieving for my healthy baby; I'm scared I will have to do this again.