Sunday, January 8, 2012

the christmas tree

Is still up. Why can't I take it down?

Because I was pregnant at Christmas. And it was amazing. And now it's over.

But I was pregnant at Christmas.

Max keeps gingerly broaching the subject. A comment about how dry the tree is. Or how he wants to get the other armchair out of his office. Today he came right out with it. He said he understands that it's about more than the tree, but it's probably time to talk about it. He asked if it would be easier to do it together or for him to just do it while I'm at work one day this week. Through my tears I told him I didn't know.

I'm clinging to Christmas. To the way I felt finally celebrating this miracle with my family. To the feeling of life growing inside. To the visions I had of next Christmas, opening presents for my almost 5 month old baby and passing her around to be held by friends and family.

I'm not ready to give that up.


  1. It's okay that your still holding on to Christmas. After all, it's only been a couple of weeks since your miscarriage. And of course you want to hold on to the happy memories. It's so hard to let go of any tangible reminder of all the dreams you had for that baby. (((Hugs)))

  2. I know how you feel. I can't touch the twins' room to donate or pack-up anything. If I do it will be like letting them go for good. It's such a painful process to go through. I wish I could tell you that there was a good way to do it. Maybe take a picture of the tree to keep or leave one of the ornaments out to look at?
    I have M & A's ornaments (I had made for them) left out to sit on my mantle. I couldn't pack them away.
    I'm sorry.

  3. I too wish I could go back to those few days of happiness and where the world seemed right. The current situation hurts too much.

    I agree with MissC, there's no correct way to move through this process. You need to do what you need to do (and hell to anyone outside of Max who will tell you otherwise). I'm thinking of you and sending you so many good thoughts.

  4. I cannot imagine how you are feeling. I lost my pregnancy within days and had to keep the test in my purse for a month. It was all that I had. I understand how the tree is symbolic of the little one growing inside you. Don't take it down until you feel that you are ready. I do think that you and Max should take it down together when the time is right. You're still on my prayer list, "Hattie." =)

  5. I can't begin to image this pain. I am so very sorry for your loss.

    Did you have an ornament made for the baby? If so, perhaps a special stand to hold the ornament on your desk or on your nightstand until you feel ready to pack it away?

  6. First, thank you for your comment on my blog.

    And I'd like to echo what you said to me: I feel like I could have written your posts. Our tree is still up. Buster took the ornaments off. I couldn't bring myself to do even that. I hope he disposes of the tree today while I'm at work. It's starting to be an unpleasant reminder of a time when I was at my most-happy.

    I'm still facing that dreaded "How was your Christmas?" question, too. Had it happen this morning, actually. When will that stop? It's been two weeks, ffs!

    You will be in my thoughts. And I will be reading along, hoping that we can both find some kind of healing soon.


  7. This is hard. I am so sorry.

    I bought an african violet after we took the tree down. Even though it is a reminder and symbol of the loss, it is a comforting way to acknowledge and memorialize it as well.