Sunday, April 29, 2012

let's go again

Yesterday was cd 1. It took me off guard because I'm about 5 or 6 days early. What's that about?

I will go in probably on Tuesday for ultrasound and bloodwork. Hoping this cyst is gone!! I feel like it is. I haven't had any pain or discomfort. Good sign, right?

I am incredibly stressed about the timing of the next two cycles. As I've mentioned I think, I am in an incredibly busy time at work. Plus, we are moving in 6 weeks. Stress. This next IUI could potentially fall on some days that we just can't do it. and for that matter, the one after this could do.

I'm just trying to stay calm and know that I can't control. What will be will be. And if it doesn't happen this time, we'll go again. No stress. Is that possible?

Probably not.


Friday, April 27, 2012


I've read many NIAW posts this week and many were really good. One stood out to me though and has stuck with me all week.

Jill at Infertility Unexplained wrote about the need for empathy in relation to infertility in this post.

This is my favorite part about what she wrote:

"If I have to give you an analogy to make you understand my experience then you are not listening, nor are you trying to engage me with empathy."
This is so true and what has been so hurtful to me when it comes to my friends and family. Why is it so hard for you to understand my pain? And if it really is hard to understand, is it that hard to try to understand?

I'll explain it all day long if I need to. If you will just listen. I don't need you to try to fix the situation. I don't need you to be my doctor. I don't need to know that you don't understand because it was easy for you. If you can't relate to me, you're not trying hard enough.

I think empathy is the key to world peace. There. I solved it.


Wednesday, April 25, 2012

tagged and awarded

Sorry for the silence around here. For whatever reason my blog silence always falls around ICLW.. I'm still reading and commenting, just not posting a lot. I'm really just trying to keep my head down and deal, along with trying to get work done at my incredibly busy job.

But, I was tagged and given an award in the last couple of weeks and I am finally responding!

So, Shelley at Tales From the Waiting Room tagged me in a Q&A. Incidentally, I love Shelley's blog design. She is pretty new to this blog scene and will definitely be following her along!

Here are her questions and my responses:

1. What’s your lucky number and why?
I don't know that I have a lucky number. Or a favorite number. I guess I like even numbers, for whatever reason. They seem nice and....even?

2. Do you still live in the place where you grew up? Why or why not?
I do not. Max and I grew up together and moved back there for a few years after I finished graduate school while he was finishing graduate school. I then began searching for my next career move and a great job brought us about 4.5 hours away. We are both the only ones of our immediate family to not live within 20 minutes of each other. This can be challenging at times and wonderful at times.

3. Name one goal you have for yourself this week.
Get some work done! I have to get through some of my to-do list, both personal and work. But first, I need to update my to-do list. I have a million things stored in my head that I need to get on paper before I forget them.

4. What’s your favorite item of clothing or jewelry in your closet right now?
 The peridot (August birthstone) necklace I bought for myself after my miscarriage.

5. If you could only have five kinds of cheese for the rest of your life, which five would you choose?
I. love. cheese. Perfect question for me.
1. Hands down my favorite is goat cheese. I have tried it with in a million recipes and I've loved every single one. I also like it on a spoon.
2. Pepper Jack. For sure. One of the deli's in my college town serves nachos that are seriously amazing. Doritos with melted pepper jack. Heaven.
3. Pimento cheese. Not sure if this counts, but I love a good pimento cheese sandwich. With peanut butter. Weird? I don't care. :)
4. A really good aged cheddar. That's also creamy.
5. And last but certainly not least, that processed port wine cheese spread you can buy at the grocery. It's a definite comfort food for me and I only allow myself to buy it once or twice a year. But get that tub and a box of wheat thins...I'm a happy girl. It was a roommate ritual in college. Good memories.
Now I'm hungry.

6. Do you have any tattoos? If so, tell me about them. If not, would you ever get one?
Nope. I've thought about it. But the times I have come, I couldn't figure out what I wanted. Too indecisive. I do know that it would be a white tattoo on the inside of my wrist. Just have to figure out what...

7. If your significant other was an animal, what animal would he or she be?
A dog? Fiercely loyal, protective, loving, tons of fun, excited for new adventures, but sometimes makes you want to scream.

8. Are you an early riser or a night owl?
These days neither. Definitely not an early rise. Never have been. But can't stay awake at night anymore either.

9. Would you rather be a dog named Killer or a cat named Fluffy?
Not a cat person. So Killer by default.

10. How has infertility changed you?
Too many ways. The biggest change for me and the one that affects me most on a daily is on my relationships with family and friends. It's hard to find joy in them anymore. I am shut off and separate.

11. Tell me about your oddest quirk.
I eat M&Ms by color? Is that odd? Yellow, orange and green first. Then red, blue and brown. If you want some of my M&Ms, you better ask at the beginning. Because if all I have are red, blue and brown left, the answer is no.

Gosh that is a lot of stuff about me.

And then, StorkChaser at Dog Mom Chasing the Stork gave me a Lovely Blog Award. I was asked to share 7 random facts.

1. I hate pickles and the people that know me best know to take them off my plate.
2. I’m not a fan of eating outside (unless I’m at the beach) or on the floor/ground (ever).
3. I am a compulsive grammar and pronunciation corrector. It doesn’t mean I think I’m smarter than you. I just can’t help it!
4. I believe that if The West Wing was real life our world would be a better place. Jed Bartlett was an amazing President! (not a political statement about President Obama, I promise.)
5. My dream is to be independently wealthy – so I could help anyone I want and buy anything I want. However, as my sister-in-law says, I am destined to work for what I have. Although I do have a new career goal - venture capitalist. Whatever that is.
6. I want to build a tiny house to stay in when we go visit our family in our hometown. Or maybe a yurt. Or an airstream trailer.
7. I love to read. Pretty much anything.

OK - now you know more about me that you ever wanted to know!

Time is a tight commodity for me right now, so I'm not going to tag new people, but I would love to hear some of your responses to Shelley's questions or some random facts about you in the comments!

Monday, April 16, 2012


Two weeks ago amidst the bfn and news of the cyst, Max and I decided to pile it all in one week.

We found out that the baby we lost in December was a boy.

There were many, complicated reasons that we waited. But I knew I needed to know that. So when we were ready, we asked.

I was honestly scared to death about how I would react. I knew I would be devastated if it was a girl. But I was even more scared that I might feel relief if it wasn't. In the end, I'm not exactly sure how it would have been if it had gone the other way. But my heart literally broke imagining the son that could have been.

The word in my mind...boy...made the baby so much more real in my mind. And instantly, I was grieving all over again.

Church on Sunday was particularly difficult. Lately, I have been sitting in the foyer. 1) because I'm late and 2) because it's easier to hide when I cry through the whole thing. Well, Sunday a family was there with a baby boy and he started fussing during church so his dad brought him out to the foyer to walk him around. So I sat the rest of the service watching this precious baby boy and his doting father. All I could do was stare at them and wish it could be us.

But all the wishing doesn't bring me any closer.

Is this closure? I don't know. The wound feels just as open as it did four months ago.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

good news

I'm so tired of only posting about sad things. I'm actually so tired of being sad.

I realized today that Max and I have good things happening that I haven't shared. I've mentioned that Max is a pastor in the Methodist church. The Methodist church works under an appointment system. Basically, it's an itinerant system where you are called and sent where you are needed. This can be a stressful process for a pastor's wife with a career of her own.

He has been serving a small church about 35 minutes from my work for 4 years. It's been a great church with wonderful people. But he is ready for something new and I am beyond ready to live in the same town that I work.

So, we are moving! You never really know what will happen when you put yourself out there for a move. Sometimes, they have no regard for the partner's job or the family's needs. We are lucky though. Max will be appointed to the Wesley Foundation, the Methodist campus ministry at the campus I work. He will do worship and outreach there and will actually supervise student interns and train them in serving 4 small churches in the area.

This is such a great combination for his skills and gifts and I am so excited for him. There will definitely be stressful points as we adjust. We will be moving in mid-June and that is a crazy time for me. I work with freshman orientation so my work days are approximately 20 hours long during the summer. But, I've done pretty well to think past the stress and focus on the end result.

So, just wanted to share some good news. We're excited!

Saturday, April 7, 2012

meeting the niece

This post has been written for a while. For some reason, I didn't publish it. And how, for some reason, I want to. This is the story of when I met my niece a few weeks ago. Middle of March. If you haven't read the beginning of the story, you can do so here and here.

We got to Tennessee on Sunday night about 6:00. I thought we would just hang out with my parents and work up the nerve to go see the baby on Monday. The minute I stepped in the door, I saw the car seat. My stomach dropped. I walked on in and my mom told me that my SIL and niece were next door doing a little work at the winery.

Deep breath. I have time.

We sat down and began making small talk about the work trip I had just been on, the drive home, our plans for the week. My mom was in mid-sentence when I suddenly let out the biggest sob. It came from deep and it was uncontrollable. I sobbed for a couple of minutes then got it under control again.

As the minutes ticked on, my chest got tighter as I knew they would walk in any minute. I heard the door open and my heart started racing. I panicked. It was my dad. Calm down. More chatting; hear the door open; heart other sil and 7 year old nephew. Calm down. More chatting; hear the door open; heart bil. Calm down. More chatting; hear the door open. I can tell by the look on my moms face that it's them. The only thing I hear is the sound of my heart.

My sil walks in the room and says "who wants a baby?" (punch in the stomach) and headed straight for me. Luckily Max, sweet Max who had his own hurt to deal with, quickly intercepted and took baby Sage into his arms.

I wasn't prepared for the pain I felt watching Max hold her. I'm so grateful because it gave me time to get used to her presence in the room, but it was so bittersweet to see that baby in his arms.

Soon after the pizza got there and everyone got busy with dinner. My sweet dad was the last person to leave the living room. He came over to hug me and we both stood there with silent tears. I then called Max back in.

We stood there and stared at each other, him holding Sage, for what felt like an hour. And then I nodded at Max, forced my arms to take her, and I met my niece. The tears were still flowing, but in a moment that seemed like pure joy (but was probably in actuality gas) she smiled at me. Super cute.

I held her that night a good bit and some the next day. Each time was easier, but carried its own pain as well. On Monday, I was sitting down and Max was standing as he handed her off to me. I had a flash forward of Max giving me our baby as I lay in a hospital bed. One day.

Overall I would say it wasn't as bad as I feared, not as good as I hoped. But i did it. I'm glad we didn't wait. And I think we handled it the right way.


This journey is all about disappointment.

Every time hope is renewed, we think about new milestones, new goals. And then we're disappointed. When the iui was negative, it meant no 2012 baby. Waiting for our cd3 ultrasound on Friday, max tried to cheer me up talking about maybe having the first baby of 2013. And then the baby's bday would be January, Max's would be February and mine March. How neat, right?

Until we found a 4 cm cyst on my right ovary. No iui this month. We can still try naturally, but nothing with drugs. Rage.

I know it's just waiting a month, but a month feels like a lifetime. And work is about to get unbelievably busy. The thought of doing all of these appts around my work schedule during June and July is completely overwhelming.

But it is what it is. Maybe our bodies will come through for us on their own this month. Hope is all there is.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

working through

Literally. That's how I'm dealing with the negative. Working working working.

I've had a couple of terrible moments. Monday night I woke up in the middle of the night hysterically crying. I scared Max half to death. I couldn't stop. When I got up in the morning, I had mascara all over me. My face, my neck, my arms. And yes, you caught me. That means I don't wash my face at night. The While getting ready, I decided to start crying and cried for about an hour and a half straight.

But I've been a bit better since then. I should officially be cycle day 1 tomorrow morning which means moving forward. Excited about that.

I'm bummed I won't have a 2012 baby. Maybe a little more than bummed. What if the Mayans were right and the world ends? Aaagggghhh! But seriously. No 2012.

I'm sad for many of my blog friends right now too. This is a bunch of bullshit!

That's all.

Monday, April 2, 2012


It didn't work.

I'm in a better place now than I was this afternoon. Devastated describes me then. It's dulled slightly.

Mostly I feel stupid because I really thought it worked.

That's not true. Mostly I feel sad. Unbelievably sad.

We decided that when we go for our next baselines later this week, I will ask if the baby we lost in december was a girl or a boy. It's time. To know and to move forward.