Wednesday, January 11, 2012

emotional exhaustion

According to wikipedia, emotional exhaustion is a real thing. It sounds like something a celebrity might have. Or a politician.

I'm diagnosing myself. If it's all the same to you.

I have so much emotion coursing through me these days. It's not all bad. It's an exciting time at work, new semester and all. Yesterday we had a big training with 56 student leaders, the first weekly session of the semester. Lots of planning, but lots of excitement. It brings along some stress, some anxiety, some frustration, and also happiness.

Then there's the sadness, fear, worry, doubt, guilt. It hits throughout the day. Randomly, or caused by someone's innocent words. I might be talking to a coworker and then all of a sudden, mid-sentence, I can't say the next word without bursting into tears. I've been wearing my August birthstone necklace for the last few days. I love it, both for what it means to me and I just think it's pretty. Often throughout the day I find myself touching it, to make sure it's still there or just to focus my thoughts. I must have done that while having a quick meeting with a coworker yesterday, but it made her notice it and she mentioned that it must be new and she really liked it. Tears started immediately and I had to leave to go get myself together. Last night during dinner, Max made a little joke which made me laugh. Then, all of a sudden I was crying. Uncontrollably.

And let's not forget about the anger. At myself for letting this happen. At my mom for offering to meet me in the middle for a weekend getaway, then rethinking about how she committed to watch my nephew while my brother and sil finish work on their house before their new baby arrives. While my mom has been constantly checking in on me, we haven't had time or energy for an extended phone conversation about how I am. The thought of spending the weekend with just her and talking some about how I feel gave me some hope. Now there is just anger and disappointment. I know they need her, but I do too (selfish much Hattie?). And I'm angry at my close friends who don't even know what's happening. Who I probably would have told about the pregnancy, or who I would tell about the miscarriage, but who don't have a clue because they haven't called me. Don't worry, I'm not entirely unreasonable. My anger is reserved for those who I emailed, texted and called several times back in the fall who never returned any contact, but know from our last conversations that the attempt at a baby was getting more and more difficult. Or who I emailed a long, heart wrenching email about how I was feeling and got nothing but silence in return.

So, if you're keeping count that's a lot of emotion. Which leaves me exhausted. And bitter. And hard to deal with. To the pure delight of everyone around me.

I am trying to deal with it. I actually have an appointment tonight with a trainer at Fitness Together. Anyone familiar with them or used them before? The business is basically focused on just personal training. My plan is to use the time I'm waiting for the next IUI to focus on fitness and weight loss. That gives me something to think about and do, plus a way to work off some emotional steam. And allows me to go into the next pregnancy in the best shape possible (or the best I can get in the next 6-8 weeks).

So we'll see how tonight goes. I'm not entirely convinced yet, as it will be a large financial commitment. But it may just be worth it.

Anyway. A bit of a random post, but I got some things off my chest.


  1. I know how you feel, as I'm in the middle of it too. It's so hard not to be consumed by all of these emotions and managing them is a full-time job. Give yourself the space you need and don't be afraid to ask others for help (it's not selfish). You have just suffered a tremendous loss and need all the support you can get.

    I'll continue to send you love and light as you and I journey through grief together. Please remember, you're not alone.

  2. I totally believe that emotional exhaustion IS a real thing and you absolutely deserve to diagnose yourself with it with all that you have been through/are going through.

    I love that you bought a necklace to signify what was and what could have been. I did the same thing -- I bought a butterfly necklace with a May birthstone (my due date) after my miscarriage and just knowing I'm wearing it gives me a sense of peace. It's hard to explain, but true. My best friend gave me a wishbone necklace for Christmas, so now I go between wearing the two of them.

    Thinking of you -- take good care of yourself!

  3. I feel your pain and hurt, Hattie. I've felt nothing but sadness and self-pity for the past few days. I don't even know why.

    I hope that work will be less stressful and a place for you to try and forget about your infertility struggles.

    I'm sorry for all of the people that you considered friends, who truly are NOT. I went through the same situation with church friends. They were all mothers and did not understand how hurtful they were. When I would explain our fertility issues, they would try to relate it to trivial issues. One lady compared my Infertility to her having Staph Infection.

    Love you Miss Hattie! You're on my prayer list for the night (you always are)!!

  4. You are preaching to the choir darlin'. I have all those same emotions and issues with the people in my life too. In my case everyone knew I was halfway through my pregnancy and many still rarely call to see how I'm doing. It's maddening and confusing.
    We can work on this together though...push through it and try to find happiness where we can (when we don't feel guilty or angry). I wish I could give you a solution, but I haven't figured it out yet.
    All the best, Alissa (MissC)

  5. Oh, my dear life-twin.

    First, I don't think you are selfish at all for being upset that your mom can't meet you like you had planned. Yes, your brother and SIL may need her, but so do you. Who has the greater need? That's not a question that can easily be answered, if it can be answered at all. So don't you dare beat yourself up for being "selfish", because you are not.

    And that is shitty about your friends. Honestly, I don't have too many friends. Mostly because it takes too much effort to maintain a friendship. And I was tired of putting forth effort to have nothing in return.

    I really hope your appointment with the trainer went well! And I hope you post about it.

    Your necklace sounds lovely. I feel like a bad person b/c I haven't memorialized my lost baby in any way. My friends keep asking me if I've planted a tree or done something like that... and I haven't. I'm not sure that I will. And I feel guilty for that.

    Thinking of you <3