Friday, July 20, 2012

first ob appointment

My first OB appointment, this past Monday, was pretty quick after graduation. I had absolutely no idea what to expect.

I am still holding on to the hope of only being seen my women. There is exactly one female in the main practice in my smallish town. I saw her once before being referred to the fertility clinic and remember liking her fine. But since then, I have heard mixed reviews. Several people told me she didn't seem warm or caring and they would recommend someone else. In my mind I'm thinking, I don't know if I need warm and caring. I have Max for that :). I need competent, efficient, understanding, and willing to answer questions.

We only waited for 10 minutes or so. In the waiting room we actually sat across from what appeared to be a teenager of about 16, her boyfriend and her mom. By the absolutely miserable expression on her face and the sheer terror of the boyfriend, we could only assume that no matter how awkward and nervous we felt, there were at least 3 people in the room that had it worse. I've found myself thinking about her a lot over the past few days. Hoping she is ok and has good support no matter what is in her future.

After running through some questions with the nurse and peeing in a cup, we were fairly quickly taken in the exam room and waited for another 10 minutes or so. Man was I nervous. I still didn't even know what all we were doing that day. This is pretty much how it went. D.r K came in and told me to lay back while introducing someone who was studying something and shadowing. They proceeded to put something on my stomach and then she pulled out the doppler. I almost panicked when I saw it. I have been really nervous about being able to hear the heartbeat because I have a bit of....insulation....on my stomach. She said not to panic, it might take a minute to find it at 11 weeks, but we would eventually get it. It probably took about 45 seconds and there it was. Unbelievable. Unfortunately, I was crying by this time and I kept letting out a big sob which made her have to find it again. Oops. We listened for about 2 minutes then she put it up, I sat up and we chatted for a minute.

I definitely wouldn't describe her as warm, but she isn't cold either. She was very nice, caring and quick. I will stop progesterone on Monday and will go back one week later to check my level. Is that too long? It's making me a bit nervous. That day I will also do an early glucose test. I'm assuming that is because of my weight. Either way I don't mind. I'm super nervous about Gestational Diabetes and I want to do whatever I can to keep that away! When I asked what the schedule would be after that, she said once a month. She then quickly followed up by saying that she understand the transition can be difficult and going a whole month without reassurances before I can feel movement may be very difficult. If I want, we can do every two weeks until movement and if I'm having a bad day and just need to hear the heartbeat, I can come in any time. Whew. Relief. I'm going to see how these two weeks go before I decide how often to go in. In some ways, I'm looking forward to going to the doctor less and trying to embrace being "normal". But in other ways, I'm scared to death.

Next Friday is my first trimester screening, including the NT scan. I will be 12w6d. My RE made it sound like they might have a gender guess that day. I haven't heard anyone else talk about it that early. Is that even possible?

Thursday, July 19, 2012


Life has been unbelievably busy. Especially work. But the good news is, the craziness is over! I've done pretty well keeping up on reading, but have not been a great commenter and obviously not a great poster! When I looked at my blog today I couldn't believe how behind I am. Oh well.

I graduated from the fertility doctor last week. It was unbelievably emotional. I'm just really sad that I won't see them anymore.

When the NP came into the exam room, she started talking about what a crazy morning she had. There was a patient with OHSS, another with pregnancy complications, and several more that were either difficult or bad news. She said she just knew I would be her first easy appointment of the day. Of course that sent me into panic mode, thinking I was doomed.

But everything looked good! Baby measures right on and we just sat and watched it dance around for a while. I was then, fairly unceremoniously, released at 10w4d. After she left the room and I got dressed, Max and I stood there for a few minutes. Just hugging and crying. I was so overwhelmed with emotion. Disbelief that I made it that far. Sadness that I was leaving people I have come to care about. Fear about leaving the comfort of weekly monitoring. Excitement about making a huge step forward into normalcy. And happiness that everything has gone so well.

So there you go. More updates to come soon.

Monday, July 9, 2012

a comparison of pain

I just read a blog post written by a real life friend-ish and had to get my thoughts out before I lashed out at her. It wouldn't be fair to do that to her, but I'm fired up.

She gave birth last week to her third child, a son. She has some very strong opinions about childbirth and raising children and, well, everything. She's a hypnobabies instructor (not sure if that is the right word), has had home & tub births for all 3 children, is a huge proponent of birthing naturally and listening to your body and allowing the baby to come when it is ready. No induction, no c-sections, no praying for the baby to come soon. I disagree with none of that (except that I don't really know what hypnobabies is). In fact, I started reading her blog because I really wanted to learn more about some of these things and hear her opinions. She's pretty well versed in all of these topics.

Her son came last week at 37 weeks. Her latest post is about mourning his last three weeks in the womb. She had to turn off the weekly emails because it was too painful to get a reminder of how big he should be and how he should be changing. When her husband mentioned taking the due date off of the calendar, she burst into tears. She talked about holding her belly and wishing he was still inside and she was still having this special moment with her child.

In case you are confused, her son is healthy and perfect and sleeping in her arms and crying and eating and living.

I understand that hormones run high after you give birth. I understand that sometimes you have expectations related to a birth and that when they are not met it can be difficult, especially combined with the hormones. I have not experienced birth, especially a birth when you feel like it will be your last one. I know it has to be difficult if you want more children or want that experience again. I know that no pain is the same and that sadness is real even if I don't understand it.

But these are the feelings you get when you lose a child. After my miscarriage, each weekly email was like a knife in my heart. Even now, when I am 10 weeks and 2 days pregnant, I think about how big my lost baby boy would be and how soon August 9 will be here and how will I get through that day without a baby in my arms. I should be 36 weeks on Thursday. How unbelievably grateful would I be to give birth next week at 37 weeks. I can only dream.

And I think about all of you. Some of you have lost babies at 16, 23, 34 weeks. And how you would give anything to have those children in your arms, no matter when they came.

Don't talk to me about the sadness of missing three weeks when you have a lifetime.