Tuesday, January 31, 2012

be kind

I had a good and thought provoking talk with a friend last night, while on the treadmill no less.

She is a fairly new mom; her daughter is about 5 months old. We went to graduate school together and she was very instrumental in the development of my feminist side. She's always been fiercely independent, very driven and definitely wanted it all.

She talked pretty honestly about her issues with life right now. We are both in a bit of a holding pattern with our careers right now. Not sure where to go next or what decisions will make us happiest and fulfilled. She also talked about how hard it is to be a mom. She loves her daughter more than she thought she could ever love something. But it's hard. None of this was in a complaining nature. She was just being honest.

She talked about the competition and judgment that comes from other moms. The trouble she had breast feeding and how horrible people made her feel for it. How she feels like if she is going to leave her child at daycare every day it better be for a job where she is making a difference. And how she's so afraid that if she does decide to stay home with the baby, she won't be cared for as well as she is at daycare, interacting and learning with other children.

It all came back to the expectations of others, and more importantly, the expectations she places on herself.

How many times have I heard someone in this community say: when I get my own child, I will never complain. When I finally get to be pregnant, I will never complain. But here's the truth: we will complain. Because it is hard.

I have a secret for you. I love champagne. And wine. But I really love champagne. And for the 8 weeks that I was actually pregnant, I missed it. And I complained. More than once. And I'm mad at myself for it. And if someone in the ali community heard me complaining, they might hate me for it.

The conclusion of our conversation was summed up with this: women can be mean. We are competitive and judgy and gossips. But women can be wonderful. We are supportive and compassionate and encouraging.

Why can we offer those things to others but not to ourselves? And when we know we can't always count on the kindness of others, we have to be kind to ourselves.

So that's the end of my preachy post. Be kind to others. Be kind to yourself.

And get ready to listen to me complain when I'm eventually pregnant again and can't have champagne. I love it.

Monday, January 30, 2012

not over you

Sometimes when Max and I are on a long car ride we play word association games. Fun times. It's his way of keeping me awake. Otherwise, as soon as the car goes in drive I'm asleep.

This is a little different, but there are certain songs that have nothing to do with my life or emotions, but my head changes the meaning.

I've been a little obsessed with Gavin Degraw's song Not Over You. The chorus is so stinking catchy. I find myself suddenly singing it at the top of my lungs at the weirdest times. And more than a few times, I have burst into tears in the process. For those of you not familiar, here it is:

If you ask me how I'm doin, I will say I'm doin just fine.
I'd lie and say the you're not on my mind.
When I go out, and I sit down, at a table set for two;
Finally I'm forced to face the truth.
No matter what I say I'm not over you.

I promise; it's catchier when you're listening.

But change one little word. Two to three. And that's my life. It doesn't rhyme of course. But it's my life. I tell everyone I'm fine. Max. My mom. My coworkers. Students. Friends. And sometimes I am. But not really. And every now and then, something happens that forces me to face the truth. I'm not over you.

Friday, January 27, 2012

yums: eggs in avacado slices

I, personally, loved my pinterest post this week. At least a few of you liked it too! So, I'm also going to do a weekly food post.

Max and I both love to cook (unfortunately, neither of us loves to clean). One of my favorite things to do at the beginning of the week is to sit down and plan our dinners out for the week. I must admit though, Max does get frustrated that I always have to try new things. I'm not a big fan of repeating. :)

So, I'm going to start sharing some of my favorites. Honestly, I'm not great at coming up with ideas on my own, although I'm trying. I like to follow recipes and see that someone else has been successful first. So, if you were hoping for original content, you will be disappointed. I will however lead you to some great food blogs and always give credit where credit is due.

Today's meal is from Apron Strings. To be honest, I haven't read a lot of this blog; I think I first saw this pic on pinterest. But I can definitely vouch for this specific recipe. Just take a look:

 This is pic is not mine! It's from Apron Strings!

So, here's the information for Eggs in Avacado Slices:

Heat a non-stick skillet to medium low heat. Lightly spray with oil. Slice an avocado with the skin ON lengthwise, forming one thick slice in the middle. Remove the seed and use a small cookie cutter to make a hole in the center of your thick slice. Place the avocado slice in the pan. Crack a medium sized egg into the center of the hole. Cover and cook for a minute or two, until the egg is as you like it. Season with salt and pepper and serve.

**Here are my edits. I just popped the seed out and then trimmed the hole it left with a knife. I don't own a cookie cutter :). I also missed the word "cover" when I was reading the instructions. That caused a bit of a problem. The egg definitely cooked slower than I would have liked and the bottom began to burn. I finally realized that I was supposed to cover the pan and I actually had to turn the avocado to get the egg to cook through. This caused a bit of a mess and one of the yolks to break. The yolk also got a bit more done than I would have liked.

That being said...it was delicious. The warm avocado was amazing. So creamy and delicious. I also added some smoked paprika and lemon juice (because that's one of my favorite ways to eat fresh avocado). 

I only made this for myself because Max eats at church on Wednesday nights. This is usually my experimentation night on things that I'm not sure he will like. He was home by the time I was eating, and he got quite a show. I couldn't stop talking about how good it was. He was definitely making fun of me in the end. 

Anyway, it's good. You should try it.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

wishing things were different

I should be 12 weeks today. But I'm not.

I spent a lot of the morning remembering how it used to feel when I thought about this day. 12 weeks. How unbelievable does that sound? It's very hard to imagine what that will one day, eventually, feel like.

I remember thinking in early December, "Just get to the end of January. Then you can tell your students! You can tell the church! If you want, you can do an idiotic Facebook announcement. You can breathe!".


Sorry. That was me being angry.

This also means that I am 4 weeks from my d&c and the obsessive wait for AF to arrive has begun. I'm so afraid that this has knocked my previously perfectly normal cycles out of whack. I am praying, literally, to start sometime in the next 2 weeks. I've NEVER wanted AF to come so bad in my life.

On a slightly different note, I've found it very helpful to talk to more people about what's happening. After my workout on Monday, I called a good friend who has been great about checking in on me to fill her in on the last couple of months. I decided to call on the way home from the gym because I am always in such a good mood after. And it worked - no tears, only a few moments that I had to take some deep breaths! She was wonderfully supportive and said all the right things. Then I was getting my hair done last night and my stylist asked how things had been going. On the spur of the moment, I just decided to tell her. We had a GREAT chat for the next 2.5 hours (it's a loooong process). She's about 25 and getting married in May. She really appreciated me opening up because she hates that everyone acts like their lives are perfect. It's helpful to know that other people have problems and that life doesn't work always work out the way you plan. Maybe these conversations will help her when the inevitable challenges come her way, whether they are infertility or other things. She also wondered how many of her friends and family may be silently going through this and what she could do to reach out to them.

So, a bit of an up and down post today. Lots on my mind. So badly wishing that I was 12 weeks pregnant today. But I'm not.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

pinterest pretties: january 25

In an effort to make things a little brighter around here, I'm going to start sharing some things that I like. I'm a big fan of pinterest and find that it's a great way to lose myself in pretty things. It's also made my cooking life a lot more fun. I would say that 90% of the things we make are from pinterest.

So, each week I'm going to share a few things I've found on pinterest that I'm currently loving. For those of you that come here strictly for IF news, please allow the distraction. I think we all need it every now and then.

{1} farmhouse sink from High Camp Home via bloom
{2} Chile Honey Butter from Padma Lakshmi of Top Chef fame
{3} Chocolate Bacon Peanut Bark from Framed Cooks (I made this and it's amazing!)
{4) Pretty Beach House via Home-Designing
{5} Ellery dress from The Iconic & Zara clutch via The Manor Magazine (this took me forever to source, but I think it's important; the dress and clutch are no longer available from what I can tell)
{6} diy Envelopes from fellow fellow

I like looking at pretty things. Hope you do too!

Monday, January 23, 2012


Some updates on a couple of loose ends...

the Christmas tree
We took it down this weekend. I felt it coming for about a week. It was starting to feel sad and pathetic. No longer a good memory of how we felt at Christmas. I feel good about it. It feels like we are getting back to normal.

old friends
I've talked about them a few times. Part of me knows that this issue is not just miscarriage and infertility related. It's hard to make new and maintain old friendships in this stage of life. It would be hard even without all of these complications. I'm still very hurt by a few specific people, but I can't just sit and wait for them to call. I either need to get over it and forget about them, or get over it and reach out myself. Either way, I need to get over it. I called my college roommate last week. I haven't talked to her since she told me she was getting remarried (it was a small wedding; only family). I called her a few times leading up to the wedding, the morning of, and one week later. All calls went unreturned. I've been feeling so bitter that I didn't get to share good news with her. So I actually texted her because I thought I could express myself better in an email, but she called right back because it was a good time for her to talk. From her perspective, nothing will ever change between us, we will always pick up right where we left off. Form my perspective, the conversation was a bit awkward and forced. We'll see.

new friends
I told a newish friend at church about the miscarriage last week. I always feel like I'm having to explain myself. In this case, I wanted her to know why I had been a bit MIA (everyone notices when the preacher's wife isn't around). I have missed a few Sundays and specifically a program that she was working on. She was so incredibly wonderful. She hugged and cried with me, told me about her own experiences, and just basically listened to anything I had to say. Then yesterday she gave me a card and sweet little present. It's actually the first card I've gotten through this whole experience (which is fine, I'm not really a fan of cards:).

my fragile emotional state from last week
I think I've almost convinced myself that the miscarriage was more than likely a crazy happenstance that probably won't happen again for the same reasons. Based on how far along I was, the gestational sac size and progesterone levels, I feel good about my treatment and future treatments. I have been making a long list of questions and plan to call my doctor back and discuss things. I'm feeling so much better about things. For now.

personal training
It's going really well. I want to write more about it, but for now I'll just say I love it. It feels really great to actually be doing something during this wait. To actually feel I am working toward something. So glad I made this decision.

I didn't deactivate my account, but I did delete the app from my phone and the page from my regular browser view at work. I can't tell you how good this makes me feel. Almost as good of a decision as personal training. Guess what? I haven't missed it! I'm loving life without the stupid book.

babybump app birth club
I needed to stop looking at this crazy forum when I was actually pregnant. I certainly need to stop now. I'm just stalking along. But I think I broke my habit yesterday. There was an asinine post about announcing your pregnancy on facebook. Oh my gosh. Some of the ideas were ridiculous. A picture of a jar of prego spaghetti sauce? barf. A picture of your pee stick on your belly? gag. Your status update, "God decided to bless me and my love with a baby. We are so blessed." kiss my ass. (first of all, it's my love and me, but whatever) Yep, think that did it. Haven't opened the app since.

LOVE IT. Love finding new music. This is my most recent favorite. And of course, this is exactly how

Whew, I feel better.


Hello to those of you from ICLW. It's great to have you around.

I'm slowly but surely recovering from a miscarriage in December at one day shy of eight weeks. If you stick around for any amount of time, you'll see that it's definitely a journey of highs and lows.

But I'm glad you're here, feel free to look around and stay a while.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012


Of course, things look a little different the next day. Thank you for all of the thoughts you offered. We will do autoimmune testing before the next IUI to check for problems. I'm not familiar with that at all and wasn't in a place to ask many questions yesterday. But I've been writing some things down and will call back in a couple of days to get some more information.

You know that line that people say after a miscarriage? "It's for the best. It's usually because something was wrong." or something along those lines. When you hear it, it's stupid and annoying, maybe hurtful or enraging. Depending on who it's from, some strong language or desire for bodily harm may ensue. But if I'm being honest, there was a part of me that held on to that fact. Depending on which facts you read, 50-75% of miscarriages are due to chromosomal abnormalities. And many of those are one-time flukes that will never happen again.

What it meant for me was that maybe my baby was spared from a lifetime of pain and suffering. Maybe our family was spared from a more complicated and dangerous issue later in the pregnancy that would have ultimately ended the same.

Instead, now I'm thinking about the tiny, healthy baby that did not survive for some other unknown reason. I know there are hundreds of other possible reasons. Many of which are also one-time flukes that will never happen again. But there are other scary reasons too. And while I know in my head that it wasn't my fault, it was still something my body did or didn't do. And my heart feels so alone in that. It's something that is impossible for Max to understand, as hard as he tries.

Through the process of getting pregnant, I always imagined that once we did, everything would be fine. Getting pregnant is the hard part. But now, there are all of these possibilities that could keep recurring. We will do another IUI in March, and it could work again, and I could lose the baby. Again. The thought of having to go through this over and over and over is terrifying.

My head knows these things: there is a good chance that our next pregnancy will be successful and we will bring a baby home; it is not my fault that we miscarried; it may never happen again; a chromosome abnormality could have been very bad news; there are no test results that would have made this ok.

My heart knows this: I'm grieving for my healthy baby; I'm scared I will have to do this again.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

chromosome testing

I just got a call from the doctor's office about the results of our chromosome testing. The chromosomes were normal. I'm having trouble processing what that means. It basically means that there was nothing wrong with our baby. That it was something wrong with me.

I literally thoughts 10 times today about how much better I was doing. How it must be the endorphins. Well damn the endorphins.

I spent about 15 minutes on the floor of my office crying. I was so totally unprepared for this call. She knew if the baby was a boy or a girl too. But I couldn't bring myself to know. Not yet anyway.

In my daily google reader perusal this morning, I came across a post with a song that I tabbed out to listen to later. It literally sat in my browser all day. I listened to it approximately 3 minutes before my phone rang. Coincidence? Here is the link.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

personal training

So I had my assessment yesterday. It actually went pretty well and I only cried like 6 times. I kept apologizing and saying I knew it wasn't a counseling appointment. I never cried to the point of not being able to talk, only to where she could barely understand me. I call that a win.

We basically just talked about why I was there, my goals and my nutrition and exercise habits. I felt pretty comfortable there, which I was fairly nervous about. We talked for almost an hour, then did some fitness assessment basics so she could figure out which of their levels I would be on.

I had to step up and down on a block for 3 minutes to check my heart rate after. Ok, I'm 5'2". That's short. The block was probably 12-15 inches high, which is really high for a short person. And I am soooo sore today! My heart rate was 120 when I was finished and she said she likes to see it in the 90's. I asked what that meant and her response was "You're out of shape." Well no shit!

Seriously though, I used to swim 3 times a week and I could tell a huge difference in my energy and general fitness level. But I haven't been to the gym since the end of October, so I'm basically starting over again. Realistically, it's impossible to lose all the weight I need to before my next IUI. But I can't wait until I'm skinny to have a baby. It will never happen. I'm just trying to make the most of this time that I unfortunately have and go into the next pregnancy in the best shape possible. I also know it will help me feel better.

They do packages of either 1 on 1 hour sessions small groups training with 3-4 people that they call Pack Training. I decided to go with a combo package of 1 individual and 2 pack trainings per week. We honestly couldn't do any more than that financially. I'm already stressed about this enough. Max is being so great and helped me decide what we realistically could afford and where we could make sacrifices. I so appreciate his optimism and support in this endeavor, but to be honest I'm the one that does the budget every week and I'm stressed about money. It feels so selfish to spend this much money on myself when soon, hopefully, we will have many different things to spend money on. But I know this isn't just for me. I just have to keep telling myself that.

I'm considering doing some weekly weigh-ins or other sorts of updates on here. I'm so hesitant to reveal my weight though. I don't know why I feel fine talking about my intimate lady business but not weight. Oh, the power of self image.

My first appointment is tomorrow after work. I'm excited, but know I will be in pain after. Should be fun!

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

emotional exhaustion

According to wikipedia, emotional exhaustion is a real thing. It sounds like something a celebrity might have. Or a politician.

I'm diagnosing myself. If it's all the same to you.

I have so much emotion coursing through me these days. It's not all bad. It's an exciting time at work, new semester and all. Yesterday we had a big training with 56 student leaders, the first weekly session of the semester. Lots of planning, but lots of excitement. It brings along some stress, some anxiety, some frustration, and also happiness.

Then there's the sadness, fear, worry, doubt, guilt. It hits throughout the day. Randomly, or caused by someone's innocent words. I might be talking to a coworker and then all of a sudden, mid-sentence, I can't say the next word without bursting into tears. I've been wearing my August birthstone necklace for the last few days. I love it, both for what it means to me and I just think it's pretty. Often throughout the day I find myself touching it, to make sure it's still there or just to focus my thoughts. I must have done that while having a quick meeting with a coworker yesterday, but it made her notice it and she mentioned that it must be new and she really liked it. Tears started immediately and I had to leave to go get myself together. Last night during dinner, Max made a little joke which made me laugh. Then, all of a sudden I was crying. Uncontrollably.

And let's not forget about the anger. At myself for letting this happen. At my mom for offering to meet me in the middle for a weekend getaway, then rethinking about how she committed to watch my nephew while my brother and sil finish work on their house before their new baby arrives. While my mom has been constantly checking in on me, we haven't had time or energy for an extended phone conversation about how I am. The thought of spending the weekend with just her and talking some about how I feel gave me some hope. Now there is just anger and disappointment. I know they need her, but I do too (selfish much Hattie?). And I'm angry at my close friends who don't even know what's happening. Who I probably would have told about the pregnancy, or who I would tell about the miscarriage, but who don't have a clue because they haven't called me. Don't worry, I'm not entirely unreasonable. My anger is reserved for those who I emailed, texted and called several times back in the fall who never returned any contact, but know from our last conversations that the attempt at a baby was getting more and more difficult. Or who I emailed a long, heart wrenching email about how I was feeling and got nothing but silence in return.

So, if you're keeping count that's a lot of emotion. Which leaves me exhausted. And bitter. And hard to deal with. To the pure delight of everyone around me.

I am trying to deal with it. I actually have an appointment tonight with a trainer at Fitness Together. Anyone familiar with them or used them before? The business is basically focused on just personal training. My plan is to use the time I'm waiting for the next IUI to focus on fitness and weight loss. That gives me something to think about and do, plus a way to work off some emotional steam. And allows me to go into the next pregnancy in the best shape possible (or the best I can get in the next 6-8 weeks).

So we'll see how tonight goes. I'm not entirely convinced yet, as it will be a large financial commitment. But it may just be worth it.

Anyway. A bit of a random post, but I got some things off my chest.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

the christmas tree

Is still up. Why can't I take it down?

Because I was pregnant at Christmas. And it was amazing. And now it's over.

But I was pregnant at Christmas.

Max keeps gingerly broaching the subject. A comment about how dry the tree is. Or how he wants to get the other armchair out of his office. Today he came right out with it. He said he understands that it's about more than the tree, but it's probably time to talk about it. He asked if it would be easier to do it together or for him to just do it while I'm at work one day this week. Through my tears I told him I didn't know.

I'm clinging to Christmas. To the way I felt finally celebrating this miracle with my family. To the feeling of life growing inside. To the visions I had of next Christmas, opening presents for my almost 5 month old baby and passing her around to be held by friends and family.

I'm not ready to give that up.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

how was your break?

As I mentioned, I've been off of work and away from campus for two weeks. As more staff and students return to campus, I'm interacting with more and more people who have no idea what's going on with me.

If I hear the question "How was your break?" one more time I might lose it. I don't know what to say. It was wonderful. But terrible. Amazing. And heartbreaking.

Instead I mumble something and look away and let the other people standing around carry the conversation.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012


I'm feeling like I'm seeing a little light today, so I think I will run with it and spend some time thinking about the things I have been thankful for in this experience. 

Max. He has to be first. He has been absolutely amazing. Of course he always has been, but something like this really brings it home. I truly can't imagine a better person in the whole world. From the moment I got on the ultrasound table one week ago this morning, he has not let me go. He gripped my hands so hard that day as I sobbed through the ultrasound. There were times in the following days that we were literally clinging to each other with the only strength we had left. He made my nurses cry with his prayer before they took me to the OR. In every moment, he has said the exact right thing, which has sometimes been nothing at all. He can tell with no words spoken when I need him to grab my hand or give me a hug or make me laugh (or make me a drink :). I wish you could all know him.

Christmas. To be honest, and I think I've mentioned this, Thanksgiving was hell. We were in the unknown and babies were all around. It was hell. I am so thankful we got to experience Christmas with joy in our hearts. I got to reconnect with my pregnant sister in law, which was helpful for both her and me and allowed her to be able to support me when I needed it. I got to be happy with my niece and nephews and feel like my old self in regards to babies and pregnancies. Luckily, and surprisingly,. the memories of Christmas have not been ruined by the events of the following week. Of course, it didn't do New Year's any favors.

My clinic. I had my follow-up appointment this morning and it was so good to be back in my normal office, even on these terms. The astonishingly bubbly receptionist that majorly annoyed me at first made me feel right at home with a hug and a few tears of her own. It just reminds me how often they go through this with women and how much they want it for us. Everyone has been so compassionate and understanding, but very positive about getting us pregnant again.

Being with a man for the first time. wink wink. I think I've written about my aversion to male doctors. Just because of scheduling, one of the men in the practice had to do my d&c. And yes, I know I was out of it for the actual procedure, but talking to him first by video conference and then in the hospital really eased my mind. He was great, really, and it may have helped me move toward getting over that a bit.

Singing in the car. I did it for the first time today, before I even realized what was happening. It's the first time I have felt spontaneous happiness since Wednesday (other than cracking up during Sherlock Holmes when Robert Downey Jr. was riding the miniature horse). For just a second I forgot to be sad and I was just being.

The ALI blog community. I am so thankful that an old friend trusted me enough to bring me in to this community. I honestly can't imagine going through this without the love and support I have gotten here.

Whew. It felt good to be positive for at least a little bit. The sadness is exhausting, and unfortunately, it's not over yet. But I know every day will get a little better. And I know I will bring a baby home one day.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

back at work

Today is my first day back at work. One of the joys of my job is that I get 2 weeks off for Christmas and New Year. So today is the first day the University is open. My boss texted Max last night asking what my plan was for today. That's actually been happening a lot. Everyone is texting Max checking in on me. My phone has been silent except for the notifications of your comments. I know people just don't want to bug me and I still appreciate them thinking of us.

Anyway, my boss has experienced two miscarriages with his wife, and they have both been extremely supportive. He just wanted me to know that if I couldn't come in then I shouldn't come in.

But I came in. What is the other option? I can't sit at home and cry forever. So now I'm experiencing the alternative; sitting at my desk and crying. Not all day, but at least once an hour. Spontaneous tears. Nothing even triggers it. Just all of a sudden, I'm crying.

Today was also my first interaction with someone who knows me well but who doesn't know about what happened. It was the first time I've seen him since before Christmas. Last time I was hiding a pregnancy. This time I am hiding a miscarriage. He asked all of the normal questions. How was your break? What did you do for New Years? Starting the year off right? My answers: It was fine. Laid low at the house. Ha...yeah. My answers in my head: Both wonderful and miserable; heartbreaking. Sat at home and watched Sex and the City solely for the New Years Eve scene then sobbed through Auld Lang Syne. Kissed Max and gave a zero-hearted "cheers" through tears at midnight then crawled into bed. Starting the year off with unbearable pain unable to do anything but sit and stare and wonder if life will ever be any different.

Yeah, good thing I wasn't honest with him.

I don't know if indecision is a stage of grief, but it's where I am now. I literally haven't made a decision since Wednesday morning. Max decides when and where we will go, when and what we will eat. He tells me to take a shower or go to bed. Who I should talk to; what I will watch. The only action I have initiated is using the bathroom.

And now I sit at my desk waiting on someone to tell me what to do. I have a lot of work to do. Campus is about to get crazy and there are things that have to be done. But I'm sitting here staring at my computer. Staring at the pile of papers on my desk. With no idea what to do. Do I go into my bosses office and ask him to tell me what to do next? Should I answer this email? Or complete this task? Or start this project?

In the meantime, I'm just sitting here and waiting. Waiting on Max to say it's lunch time. Waiting on the day to end.

the untelling

When Max and I finally got some long-awaited good news, we were very cautiously optimistic and shared the news in a fairly tight circle. Our parents pretty much knew the whole schedule so they were obviously our first calls when we got the semi-congrats on our first beta. Our best couple friends were also in the initial loop. After the second beta, we told a couple more friends and a few co-workers who have been following our fertility struggles.After hearing the heartbeat, we included one or two more friends and had the excitement of telling our siblings once we arrived home for the holidays.

That seems like a lot of people for the relatively early time of 7 weeks 6 days. Honestly, it's more people than we initially thought we would tell when we fantasized about finally getting a positive.Several factors contributed to this, and we always made sure it felt "right" before telling someone new. When the time came to share the unwanted news, there were probably a total of about 30 people who needed to be told. The only people we personally said the words to were our moms. We pulled over on the side of the road after sitting in the clinic parking lot for about 20 minutes staring into space. I'm pretty sure they both new the minute we said hello. They were each in charge of calling the siblings. Everything else was done by text.

Honestly, I thought I would regret telling people. But sitting here almost a week later, I know we did the right thing. We have really felt the love from our friends and family. Those first 2 days specifically. We only got 1 or 2 stupid comments, and the rest have been a perfect balance of expressing sadness and concern and wanting to help us. I think it was especially helpful for Max. Several men in our life (my brother, the man half of our best friends, his best friend, even my boss) have continued to reach out to him to share their experiences and help him understand what I am going through. I've been particularly grateful for that, as I know how hard it is for most men to talk about feelings.

The main reason I am glad we shared our pregnancy is that it made it real. I got to experience the excitement of sharing the news. I was pleasantly surprised at the joy some people had in celebrating our baby. Even though the baby is no longer with us, we had the experience of joy. We loved our baby, and because we allowed people who love us to share in our joy, our baby will not be forgotten.

I don't know how we will handle our next pregnancy (because I believe there will be another one). I suppose we will tell people when it feels right, as we did this time. Until then, all I can do is hope.