Today is my first day back at work. One of the joys of my job is that I get 2 weeks off for Christmas and New Year. So today is the first day the University is open. My boss texted Max last night asking what my plan was for today. That's actually been happening a lot. Everyone is texting Max checking in on me. My phone has been silent except for the notifications of your comments. I know people just don't want to bug me and I still appreciate them thinking of us.
Anyway, my boss has experienced two miscarriages with his wife, and they have both been extremely supportive. He just wanted me to know that if I couldn't come in then I shouldn't come in.
But I came in. What is the other option? I can't sit at home and cry forever. So now I'm experiencing the alternative; sitting at my desk and crying. Not all day, but at least once an hour. Spontaneous tears. Nothing even triggers it. Just all of a sudden, I'm crying.
Today was also my first interaction with someone who knows me well but who doesn't know about what happened. It was the first time I've seen him since before Christmas. Last time I was hiding a pregnancy. This time I am hiding a miscarriage. He asked all of the normal questions. How was your break? What did you do for New Years? Starting the year off right? My answers: It was fine. Laid low at the house. Ha...yeah. My answers in my head: Both wonderful and miserable; heartbreaking. Sat at home and watched Sex and the City solely for the New Years Eve scene then sobbed through Auld Lang Syne. Kissed Max and gave a zero-hearted "cheers" through tears at midnight then crawled into bed. Starting the year off with unbearable pain unable to do anything but sit and stare and wonder if life will ever be any different.
Yeah, good thing I wasn't honest with him.
I don't know if indecision is a stage of grief, but it's where I am now. I literally haven't made a decision since Wednesday morning. Max decides when and where we will go, when and what we will eat. He tells me to take a shower or go to bed. Who I should talk to; what I will watch. The only action I have initiated is using the bathroom.
And now I sit at my desk waiting on someone to tell me what to do. I have a lot of work to do. Campus is about to get crazy and there are things that have to be done. But I'm sitting here staring at my computer. Staring at the pile of papers on my desk. With no idea what to do. Do I go into my bosses office and ask him to tell me what to do next? Should I answer this email? Or complete this task? Or start this project?
In the meantime, I'm just sitting here and waiting. Waiting on Max to say it's lunch time. Waiting on the day to end.
There's no right answer for how to get through this period. But I found that being at work yesterday gave me something to focus on instead of my grief. Getting started is difficult, so I ended up making a list of things that needed to be completed, separating small tasks from big ones and then spent at least 15 mins on the ones that needed my immediate attention. I haven't made tremendous amounts of progress, but it helped.
ReplyDeleteIn the meantime, I'm thinking of you. I know exactly how much this hurts and I wish that I could make it go away. Instead I'm sending you love and light.
God, I hate that part of grief. The complete apathy. The inability to decide or find even the tiniest spark of motivation. They call it shock, sometimes, but I think you described it perfectly. It may be a normal part of grief, but it totally sucks. I am so sorry you going through this. ((((Hugs))))
ReplyDeleteUgh I hate that feeling of breaking down somewhere and not being able to control it. I am so sorry you are going through this right now. It always seems so unfair when someone so good who wants a baby so much loses one. I know you can get through this though. Much love!
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