nearing the end

I just realized how long it's been since I updated. And I went back to my last post. Geez, I was emotional! I guess it comes and goes. But today I'm feeling much better :).

Overall we had a great holiday. In some ways it was a completely different feeling, and in some ways I experienced the same uncertainty and sadness as some previous years. We had some "anniversary" days related to the miscarriage that were definitely difficult. Thankfully Max was by my side and so understanding.

January 1 brought the realization that I am having a baby this year. Deep breath. Wow.

We've had a bit of a rough start to the year health wise. First Max had a sinus infection. I am now recovering from a cold. And now Max has the flu. I'm just praying I don't get it! I did get a flu shot in the fall so hopefully I'll be safe. Our house was also broken into this week in the middle of the day. Luckily, we believe our super star guard dog prevented them from getting too far. They basically emptied out a couple of jewelry boxes/stands. Unfortunately, they got a few things that are irreplaceable but of little value to anyone but us. It's just a bummer.

Pregnancy wise I'm not doing too bad. I'm almost 37 weeks and I keep hearing how miserable I should be. But it's ok so far. His movements are starting to get a tad painful at times, and I'm sure that will get worse before we're done. My biggest problem is how tired I am. The morning is a major struggle. Fixing my hair, which has always been a bit of a process, feels like I'm running a 10k.

I still feel like we have a lot to do, but we are slowly marking things off the list. The sicknesses haven't helped matters. I definitely have a lot to do at work before my last day. I'm just trucking along, trying to get as much done as I can at both home and work before he gets here.

At this point I'm just trying to take things as they come. I'm not yet wishing for things to speed up or for time to slow down. On one hand I am so ready to hold him, on the other I'll take all the time I can get to be more prepared. Either way, it will happen how it happens!

bas. ket. case.

I'm am a freaking emotional wreck. And that's pretty much all there is to me right now.

I'm scared to death of everything coming my way. I cannot see the trees for the forest. Every decision feels life changing. I cry. A lot. Ugly cry.

The physical symptoms and effects of pregnancy currently pale in comparison to the emotional side for me. I have got to get a grip. For my sanity and everyone else's.

So. Just wanted to give an update. Whew! Fun times around here!

34 weeks tomorrow and things are good with the baby. We did an ultrasound this week and checked my cervix before we were cleared to travel for Christmas. He is head down and growth is good. His movements are major and pretty fun. Only a few rib kicks and sometimes he will move and I get a little nauseous. But overall, it's fun.

Holding so many of you in my heart this Christmas. Whether yours is joyous, bittersweet, miserable, or any combination of the above, know that I'm thinking of you.

thanks

I started an update last week and never finished. Lame. I'll do that tomorrow.

Today I am thinking about what a difference a year makes. Last Thanksgiving didn't seem so different in some ways. I was watching the parade in between working on the food in the kitchen with my mom. Heading to my grandmother's for lunch and Max's grandmother's for dinner. Just like we had done for many years before.

I was actually in the middle of the TWW for my first IUI. So underneath all the normal, I was a mess. As we stood in line for food at my grandmother's house, my cousin walked in and passed out the cards for the big gender reveal she planned. I knew within half a second I would lose It. I quickly gave my half filled plate to my mom and ran. Just as I made it to the bathroom, I heard the exclamations of the new baby girl headed our way. To join my sil's baby girl due in March. I finally returned and chose a seat with some cousins that I knew wouldn't ask questions. I silently cried while forcing myself to eat my food.

As it turns out, I was pregnant then, but would lose the baby about a month later right after Christmas.

I will head to my grandmother's house today almost 30 weeks pregnant. In some ways I am a different person. In some ways I am the same scared, bitter infertile.

Obviously, I am thankful for this baby. I am beyond thankful for Max and who he was for me then and who he is for us now. And I am thankful for this community.

I know today will be incredibly difficult or so many of you. Whether you are in a good place, at your lowest, or in a place if uncertainty, know that I'm thinking if you and thankful you are in my life.

i own a baby bathtub

We had our first shower today. It was a small meal and shower following church today at one of the churches Max serves. It was probably a good way to wade into the craziness of baby showers.

There were no games (thankfully :). Just lunch and opening a few presents. We got some really cute things and are super thankful for this newish church family for making us feel at home and celebrating this milestone with us.

When I came in before church, I had to go to the bathroom (of course) which meant I had to walk through the area where the shower would be. I walked in and saw the pile of baby gift bags and the sweet cake that had my name on it. My name and baby booties. I immediately lost it. Luckily I was already close to the bathroom door so I was able to sneak in before making a scene. I just can't believe that after all of these years and all of the baby showers I have been to, it was finally our turn.

We've bought a few things over the years. And just a couple of things since being pregnant. But those have all been cute baby things that represented hope. They represented something to come in the future. Today, we got a bathtub. And there's nothing hopeful about that. It's real. It's practical. It's something we will need to take care of our son. Who is coming in less than 12 weeks.

I own a baby bathtub. How surreal is that?

he moves

One of the reassuring aspects of pregnancy that has really made a difference in the last couple of weeks is movement. For a while, I didn't think I would ever feel it. At my last ultrasound my placenta was anterior so I knew it would be a while longer.

The first time I felt him and knew without a doubt that's what it was I was just a few days past 22 weeks. I'm a few days past 25 weeks now and he keeps getting stronger. It's definitely a weird feeling that I'm not quite used to yet. Max even felt him once a few days ago and got super excited. It was really neat.

I am finally to the point that if I slow down and force myself to sit still for a few minutes I can almost always feel him. It has made me so much calmer and confident. Obviously I know that it doesn't guarantee anything. Something could still happen at any minute. But at least I am not sitting there wondering if he is still alive. He can prove it to me. Man that feels good.

There are times that he is moving so much I can't concentrate on anything else. And he is definitely to the point that some of the movements make me have to pee. Real bad :). He woke me up once this weekend with a super hard kick. I am so thankful for the reminder that he is growing and we are speeding toward February when he will be in my arms.

How unreal is that?

one hundred

I logged in today planning to post about movement. That will come tomorrow.

This is my 100th post. I can't tell if that seems like a lot or not. I would say it's a milestone for sure. This Sunday will also mark one year since my first post. What a year.

When I look back at the beginning of this blog journey, some things have changed and yet some things are exactly the same. Here is a quote from my very first entry.

"And surprisingly for me, as much as I hate paper sheet times, it's the time between the paper sheets that I'm most struggling with. Those times are lonely, dark and moody. They're emotional and emotionless. They are angry and hopeful, strengthening and heart breaking."

This is still so true. I feel all of those things in a single day related to the process of becoming a mother. The process of Max becoming a father. Will that ever change? Here's another:

"I wish this process of procreation could be about the time between the 600 thread-count Egyptian cotton sheets. About love, intimacy and trust. But alas, for some mysterious reason, this journey is about the paper sheets. About science, calendars and money."

Looking back, I think this is wrong. I believe that what I have felt and developed most over the last 99 posts is love, intimacy and trust. This journey definitely brought Max and I closer together. I have developed relationships with friends who I have walked alongside. Celebrated with and shared in devastation. I have learned to trust myself and others enough to let someone in.

Through the heartbreak of a miscarriage, the painful birth of a niece, the hope of a positive, and the anxiety of a pregnancy, I loved and trusted and felt loved and trusted.

I am so thankful for this space and the people it has brought into my life.

out of control

Emotions are running heavy this week. Obviously, I've struggled with posting. I've tried. I've committed to myself that I will. Many times. I've started posts and written them in my head. But something holds me back.

But just because I haven't been posting, doesn't mean I haven't been reading. I check my reader several times a day. I comment. I think about this community and our stories. I shout and laugh with joy when I read good news. I cry when I read the bad news. I sit on pins and needles as I wait for betas and ultrasounds. I hope. But I stay silent here.

For whatever reason, the last few days have gotten to me. There has been good news and bad news. Posts that rip out my heart with the desperation of someone who is, well, desperate. Posts that bring me to tears with grief and longing. And posts that stick in my head and make me think all day long about this crazy reality and the choices we make.

It is unreal me to me what people in this community go through. The amount of loss and fear and joy and hope. And the words, your words, make me feel your loss and fear and joy and hope like it is my own. My heart is heavy and full. It's so much to process.

DAMN IT. I want uncontrollable joy. For all of us.

As I sit here on the eve of viability, the emotions begin to get out of control. I am thankful and happy. Scared and in disbelief. Guilty and undeserving. With the knowledge that there are no guarantees. I am not promised anything.