no heartbeat

We are heartbroken. Literally. I go from feeling intense pain to paralyzing nothing in a matter of minutes.

We are out of town for the holidays still and went to another satellite office of our clinic instead of our regular. It was about a 1.5 hour drive. To be honest, about halfway there I knew that's what the results would be. I kept trying to talk myself out of it. But I knew. I started crying almost immediately after the pic came on the screen. Last week I saw the heartbeat right away. Before she even pointed it out. So I knew today it wasn't there. Max tried to calm me down and tell me to wait, but it didn't matter.

We have both tried to desperately bargain that maybe she just missed it. It wasn't our normal nurse practitioner. Sometimes my stuff has been hard to find. But I know the baby has never been hard to find. The sac only measured 6w1d. I should be 7w6d.

After she was done we waited on a video conference with one of the doctors at the main office. He talked us through the process and talked about our options. We decided to do a d&c on Friday. Of course now we are panicking again and wondering how we can be sure.

Honestly, this was probably harder in the moment on Max than me. I have been guarded this whole time. Waiting for the worst. Knowing that things weren't quite right. He has been so optimistic. Believing that things were perfect. His reaction was a bit delayed this morning, but when the emotions came they came strong. He just keeps saying it happened so fast.

If I'm honest with myself, I know I've blamed Max a little bit through this process. The only diagnosable problem we have is with him. But this miscarriage is all me. There is nowhere else to look. No one else to blame. I failed us.

I don't know where to go from here.