Emotions are running heavy this week. Obviously, I've struggled with posting. I've tried. I've committed to myself that I will. Many times. I've started posts and written them in my head. But something holds me back.
But just because I haven't been posting, doesn't mean I haven't been reading. I check my reader several times a day. I comment. I think about this community and our stories. I shout and laugh with joy when I read good news. I cry when I read the bad news. I sit on pins and needles as I wait for betas and ultrasounds. I hope. But I stay silent here.
For whatever reason, the last few days have gotten to me. There has been good news and bad news. Posts that rip out my heart with the desperation of someone who is, well, desperate. Posts that bring me to tears with grief and longing. And posts that stick in my head and make me think all day long about this crazy reality and the choices we make.
It is unreal me to me what people in this community go through. The amount of loss and fear and joy and hope. And the words, your words, make me feel your loss and fear and joy and hope like it is my own. My heart is heavy and full. It's so much to process.
DAMN IT. I want uncontrollable joy. For all of us.
As I sit here on the eve of viability, the emotions begin to get out of control. I am thankful and happy. Scared and in disbelief. Guilty and undeserving. With the knowledge that there are no guarantees. I am not promised anything.