Friday, March 2, 2012

march 2

Today is my birthday. I've talked about this before, but I need to revisit. My mother and I share a birthday. It's always been one of my favorite parts of our relationship. She calls me the gift that keeps on taking :).

From the time I began thinking about having children, I knew I wanted to have a baby girl on my 30th birthday. My mom was 30 when she had me. Obviously, I knew this wasn't realistic. Even if I could somehow time a baby to be due in this vicinity, babies come when they want to come. Even so, it was always something in my head and in my heart.

When I reached the point that I knew this wouldn't be possible, I reached a turning point in the infertility journey. It was real. And my heart was changed. But to stay positive, I said it's ok. I'll have a baby girl on my 31st birthday. That's today.

I last left the story of my sister-in-law last weekend when she went into labor while Max and I were home visiting family. As it turns out, my niece did not arrive that day. They sent my sister-in-law home and she has been at three centimeters since. We made it past Max's 30th birthday with no baby. We made it past our weekend at home with no baby.

And this morning, I got a text from my mom at 3:41 am saying they were on their way to the hospital. When I called my mom to say Happy Birthday, she had just gotten a text that said "pushing".

And I am heartbroken. This is my baby. The one I dreamed of. This is my mother's first (maybe only) granddaughter arriving on her birthday. Yet, it's not my baby.

I fell like God said, you think it will be painful for her to be born on Max's birthday? You think it will be hard to be there when she's born? Just wait. I'll show you what I can do. Happy effing birthday.

11 comments:

  1. Oh Hattie... I'm so sorry. I can feel your pain so poignantly through your words. Please take care of yourself today, and/or let Max take care of you. Try to focus on the love you share, and know that one day that love will only be intensified when it's your turn to give your mom a granddaughter.

    <3

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  2. Oh my goodness, love, that is just such horrid timing for you. Just horrid, I am so sorry you are hurting. I second unaffected's wise advice.

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  3. I am so sorry. That must hurt so much. The timing of this baby's arrival couldn't be mor painful for you. I'm crying just thinking about it. Do take care of yourself today, like the previous posters suggested.

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  4. Oh Hattie -- I can't even imagine -- it's like rubbing salt in the wound. Life can be so cruel sometimes. Take extra good care of yourself today. Happy birthday to you!

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  5. I am so, so sorry. This has to be so hard on you right now. Making it even harder is no one is actually intentionally hurting you. It's just all the really, really crappy circumstances that hurt so much. Leaving you to only be angry at God. My heart is breaking for you. I am praying for you. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

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  6. Oh honey I am so sorry. I can't imagine how lousy you feel. I wish I could say something to make you feel better. Even though it is hard I hope you can find something to make you happy today. You deserve a good birthday through all this madness.

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  7. It's hurts like hell when our dreams don't come true. It hurts even more when someone else lives your dream for you. ;(

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  8. I am so sorry. Life really isn't fair sometimes.

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  9. :( I'm so sorry. I can only imagine just how much it hurts. I hope you were gentle with yourself and continue to be.

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  10. Oh dear, that must hurt badly! I'm so sorry about the shitty timing.

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