permission

I'm still here. Waiting for Thursday when I go back for another beta.

The last few days really have been slightly unreal. I stopped spotting on Friday night/Saturday. Which is basically when a normal cycle should have stopped. I felt a few pregnancy symptoms over the weekend, but feel basically normal now. I did do another hpt yesterday and it was positive. I know that doesn't guarantee anything. I also know that although my hCG tripled, the number was still so low compared to other people. At 17 dpo, mine was 74.4. I've read about other women who were over 500 on the same day.

With all of my concerns, it is hard for this pregnancy to seem real to me. I guess it may not be. Numbers will tell on Thursday.

The progesterone injections are torture. I have knots on my hip and it's sore to walk and lay down. Combine that with the disgusting nature of the 3 x a day suppositories and you get one crabby girl. I actually left my bottle of progesterone on my desk at work yesterday and didn't realize it until I got off of the interstate after my 30 minute drive home. I was scared to not do the dose at night, so decided I would go change clothes and drive back. I stopped at the church to tell Max what I was doing and as soon as I saw him I burst into tears. He of course immediately said he was going to get them which only made me cry harder. He kindly pointed out that although his dad book recommended not pointing out every mood swing and emotional breakdown, he thought my reaction may have a bit to do with the pregnancy and that I should just go home and relax and he would be back in about an hour with the medicine. He's a good one.

I downloaded a few apps on my phone. One is Baby Bump and I've been reading a lot and posting some in the community there. The problem is, I don't think it's all that healthy. Every other post is about miscarriages, fears, comparing symptoms and freaking out when they're not the same, and other similarly scary things. It's almost like I'm addicted. I read every single detail about someone's miscarriage and compare it to where I am right now. How do I stop? It's definitely not making me feel better. If anything it's making me depressed.

One of the hardest parts about this right now for me is that this all makes me feel so dark. And that's not me. Not this time of year anyway. I've been in no hurry to put up a tree. Max finally made me go get one yesterday, and it's up but with no decorations. I've barely bought any Christmas presents, something that I normally spend hours and hours on, making sure to pick out the perfect things for my family. I'm just sitting and waiting. For permission to be happy.