Tuesday, December 6, 2011


I'm still here. Waiting for Thursday when I go back for another beta.

The last few days really have been slightly unreal. I stopped spotting on Friday night/Saturday. Which is basically when a normal cycle should have stopped. I felt a few pregnancy symptoms over the weekend, but feel basically normal now. I did do another hpt yesterday and it was positive. I know that doesn't guarantee anything. I also know that although my hCG tripled, the number was still so low compared to other people. At 17 dpo, mine was 74.4. I've read about other women who were over 500 on the same day.

With all of my concerns, it is hard for this pregnancy to seem real to me. I guess it may not be. Numbers will tell on Thursday.

The progesterone injections are torture. I have knots on my hip and it's sore to walk and lay down. Combine that with the disgusting nature of the 3 x a day suppositories and you get one crabby girl. I actually left my bottle of progesterone on my desk at work yesterday and didn't realize it until I got off of the interstate after my 30 minute drive home. I was scared to not do the dose at night, so decided I would go change clothes and drive back. I stopped at the church to tell Max what I was doing and as soon as I saw him I burst into tears. He of course immediately said he was going to get them which only made me cry harder. He kindly pointed out that although his dad book recommended not pointing out every mood swing and emotional breakdown, he thought my reaction may have a bit to do with the pregnancy and that I should just go home and relax and he would be back in about an hour with the medicine. He's a good one.

I downloaded a few apps on my phone. One is Baby Bump and I've been reading a lot and posting some in the community there. The problem is, I don't think it's all that healthy. Every other post is about miscarriages, fears, comparing symptoms and freaking out when they're not the same, and other similarly scary things. It's almost like I'm addicted. I read every single detail about someone's miscarriage and compare it to where I am right now. How do I stop? It's definitely not making me feel better. If anything it's making me depressed.

One of the hardest parts about this right now for me is that this all makes me feel so dark. And that's not me. Not this time of year anyway. I've been in no hurry to put up a tree. Max finally made me go get one yesterday, and it's up but with no decorations. I've barely bought any Christmas presents, something that I normally spend hours and hours on, making sure to pick out the perfect things for my family. I'm just sitting and waiting. For permission to be happy.


  1. First of all, you have got to get off of the message boards. I can’t join them and can’t read them. They make me so depressed no matter where I am in the process. I find reading blogs to be much more uplifting.

    This time last year I too was waiting. We had a FET on 11/16/10. Much of December was spent waiting. Waiting for the first beta. Then waiting for the second. Then waiting for the first ultrasound. In the end God blessed us with a beautiful, healthy baby boy. I survived the time of waiting by focusing on the season of Advent. I found myself reflecting a lot on Mary waiting for the birth of Jesus. It was really a new perspective for me.

    Praying for good news for you. What a wonderful Christmas gift it will be!

  2. Lara - You have no idea how much this comment means to me. If Max read this he would literally cry (he's a pastor and is very adamant about reminding people that this is the season of Advent, not Christmas yet).

    This is such a wonderful perspective for me to read, and I know I will find myself coming back to this comment when I need a pick me up in the coming weeks. Thank you so much.

  3. Don't go to Baby and Bump! I went there when we first started having difficulties and it was so bad for me. I started obsessing way to much and I fell really deep into depression.

    I'm not blaming it all on that website, but as soon as I stopped going there I felt a huge sense of relief.

    Hoping and praying that your beta on Thursday goes well!