Honestly, it's a little unbelievable. I am literally in disbelief that it happened this way.
They ended up needing to do a c-section and I hate that for her. It's something she badly did not want to happen. But they are both safe and healthy. For that I am thankful.
But beyond that, I'm in shock.
When I rolled over to hit snooze this morning (at 4:15 mind you...crazy busy work day) I saw the text from my mom immediately. When I realized what it said, I had to ask myself a few times if this was really the day. Is it the 1st? The 3rd? Or is today really my birthday? Yes, it's real.
I've read some posts lately about how infertility always sticks with you. Once an infertile, always infertile. Honestly, i don't know if I bought that. Now I'm convinced. This will be a constant reminder of what I couldn't do. I know I will love her. I already do. But this piece of my heart cannot be fixed.
I've gotten several texts about hiw exciting this is. My cousin texted to say happy birthday and how exciting it must be to share this day with a 3rd generation. But it's the wrong baby.
I'm so mad. The odds of this are so minuscule. She is TWO WEEKS past her due date!
My brother called to say happy birthday. It was a surreal conversation. Trying to be upbeat and exciting. Not having to pretend to be genuinely concerned for them. But not sure where to go from there.
Luckily my busy day at work has been distracting. My students have given me lots of birthday attention. Max ordered me macarons, shipped all the way from Paulette's in Beverly Hills. We are having dinner (with plenty of wine) at one of my favorite local places tonight. I'm currently drinking my second Starbucks of the day. I'm trying to enjoy my birthday.
But constantly racing through the back of the mind is what I don't have. What I could do. Bittersweet thoughts for the wrong baby born today.