Friday, March 2, 2012

she is here

Honestly, it's a little unbelievable. I am literally in disbelief that it happened this way.

They ended up needing to do a c-section and I hate that for her. It's something she badly did not want to happen. But they are both safe and healthy. For that I am thankful.

But beyond that, I'm in shock.

When I rolled over to hit snooze this morning (at 4:15 mind you...crazy busy work day) I saw the text from my mom immediately. When I realized what it said, I had to ask myself a few times if this was really the day. Is it the 1st? The 3rd? Or is today really my birthday? Yes, it's real.

I've read some posts lately about how infertility always sticks with you. Once an infertile, always infertile. Honestly, i don't know if I bought that. Now I'm convinced. This will be a constant reminder of what I couldn't do. I know I will love her. I already do. But this piece of my heart cannot be fixed.

I've gotten several texts about hiw exciting this is. My cousin texted to say happy birthday and how exciting it must be to share this day with a 3rd generation. But it's the wrong baby.

It's unreal.

I'm so mad. The odds of this are so minuscule. She is TWO WEEKS past her due date!

My brother called to say happy birthday. It was a surreal conversation. Trying to be upbeat and exciting. Not having to pretend to be genuinely concerned for them. But not sure where to go from there.

Luckily my busy day at work has been distracting. My students have given me lots of birthday attention. Max ordered me macarons, shipped all the way from Paulette's in Beverly Hills. We are having dinner (with plenty of wine) at one of my favorite local places tonight. I'm currently drinking my second Starbucks of the day. I'm trying to enjoy my birthday.

But constantly racing through the back of the mind is what I don't have. What I could do. Bittersweet thoughts for the wrong baby born today.


  1. I'm so sorry, Hattie. I know that nothing said can take back what happened to you today. For what it's worth, I hope you can enjoy the rest of your birthday. I'm so sorry.

  2. Sorry hon. I wish you could have been celebrating your own miracle. Happy birthday hon.

  3. I am so sorry. I can't even imagine the sting you are feeling. I hope you are able to enjoy the evening with your hubby!

  4. Oh Hattie!!! I read this and had to reread it because I was in utter shock. I can't begin to imagine how hard this was to process. I'm so sorry. Let me know if you need to talk and in the meantime I'm sending you so much love.

  5. Hi! I came across your blog from another blog. I'm sorry to read about your miscarriage. I also had a miscarriage at the end of January and completely understand your feelings. We are hoping to do our second IUI at the end of this month. I hope you are recovering well and have a successful IUI! I'll be interested to follow your journey!

  6. Hattie I'm a few days behind on blogs but I am SO very sorry!! Hope your hanging in there, we're here for you! xoxo

  7. It is surreal how words on a blog can make you feel something so genuine. I can actually feel a thump in my gut reading this. I want to send you a massive hug.

  8. This is really unbelievable. I am so sorry. These things can seem so small to people who haven't been there, but they are such a huge slap in the face when you are dealing with IF. I just can't believe this happened to you. I'm so sorry.

    I really hope that you'll be starting a new family tradition, that of having a unique and perfect baby with their OWN special birthday that they don't have to share with anyone in the world, really soon.

  9. OK, just after clicking "send," I realized that any birthday is shared with 1/365 of the population of the world, but you know what I mean...