birthdays

Ok. So this one might be a little more difficult. To both write and to read. This may hit some of you in a way that hurts you. I've struggled so much on whether not to write about this now. But the truth is, as I approach the end of this week, I know I need to do some pre-processing and this is the space I have for that. So know, I am trying to be very careful with my feelings and my words, even if at some point it doesn't seem that I am.

You may remember some of my story about being born on my mother's birthday. And then the next chapter of that story of my niece being born on our birthday. If you need a refresher, check here, here and here. Even now as I read those words, it seems unreal. And my pain is fresh. Of course, time and my beautiful niece who I absolutely adore has dulled that pain. But it didn't disappear. This post talks about the first time I met my niece. Those words paint that picture so vividly in my mind. The overwhelming mixture of pain and joy.

So there's the back story.

Fast forward to present time. My due date was Feb 2. Early in the pregnancy, I thought I might not even go that far. I had a friend who was on heparin injections and her doctor induced her at 39 weeks so they could plan when to stop her injections and avoid any bleeding issues. I assumed that's how I would be. When I learned that wasn't my doctor's protocol, I still assumed I would go into labor fairly close to my due date. Last week when I saw a substitute doctor and we started realistically talking about induction, we figured we would induce on whichever day my doctor was on call. So, he went to find out when that is. He came back to tell us she wasn't on call until February 16, when I will be exactly 42 weeks. He didn't think she would want to wait that long, so even then, I pushed the thought out of my mind. Until my doctor's nurse called me back. As it turns out, given the latest ultrasound and NST, she is comfortable waiting that long. So I will go in on Wednesday and if everything looks good we will induce late Friday or early Saturday. On February 16th. Max's birthday.

And for the life of me, I cannot figure out how to feel about that. I wrote this in one of those previous posts about my niece:

 I fell like God said, you think it will be painful for her to be born on Max's birthday? You think it will be hard to be there when she's born? Just wait. I'll show you what I can do. Happy effing birthday. 

And now, I can't help but think this. God said, if you thought that was bad. Just wait. I'm going to take exactly what you wanted, a daughter born on your birthday, and give it to Max....a son born on his. Screw you.

When I think about what that might feel like, I imagine pain. Out of control emotions and a feeling of empty wanting. And then I combine that image with what it will be like to give birth to my son and it doesn't make sense. Is that even possible? Maybe I won't even care. Is it even possible for this to matter in the midst of such joy? Will the pain even register? Do I want to find out?

What if, in what should be the most amazing experience of my life, all I can think about is what I don't have? What I wasn't given?

I feel so incredibly selfish. I know I should just be grateful. And I am. My God, I wanted a child and here I am. So close to getting just that. What more can I ask for?!? But I can't pretend that these emotions aren't there.

Of course, it doesn't have to be Saturday. If we asked, she would probably induce on Wednesday after our appointment. Or it could be Thursday. Or Friday. Or it could happen naturally any day between now and then.

Here's the question. Will I regret, down the road, not choosing a different day? Avoiding this pain altogether and giving my son his own birthday. And if I do that, will I regret taking this away from Max? It's not like it will change his life or anything, but it's special. I know. It's something you can't plan. It just happens. And here it is, happening for him, and I say no?

Max, by the way, is completely amazing. He understands completely. He says he won't care either way. Whether he comes tonight on his own or we choose to induce on Wednesday or we wait and do it on Saturday. It doesn't matter to him.

And again, will it really matter to me, when it comes down to it? Will anything be able to take away from my joy that day? Maybe I'll start off as fine, but when Max's mother or anyone else starts to make a big deal out of the shared birthday, will the pain start to creep in? Maybe I'll be fine that day, and then weeks down the road I will look back to a dirtied memory. 

So that's what's going on. I wish so badly I could say that I don't care. But this grip on my heart tells me otherwise.

past due

I'm such a big talker. All relaxed and take it as it comes. Easier said than done.

The biggest problem is that with every day that goes by past my due date, the harder it is to convince myself that it could even happen on its own. I'm losing confidence and losing hope. And the thing is, the only thing looming is the thing I said would be fine if it came to that anyway. Induction. It's not even that bad!

It's funny. I have read so many of your stories about how you thought that because you struggled so much to get pregnant, you thought you deserved an easy road through the rest of it. Whether it was the delivery you wanted or an easy baby, our prior struggles guaranteed something simple down the road. So no matter how many times I read that and tell myself struggles guarantee me nothing, there's still part of me that thinks surely a birth just like I wanted will make up for the pain I experienced on the road to get here. And of course here I am staring at exactly what I didn't want. And I'm surprised? I guess even when you read the warnings of others, there are just some things you have to experience yourself.

I am 41 weeks and 1 day and my next appointment is on Wednesday. If I make it to that point we will probably induce on Friday night or Saturday morning. That takes me all the way to 42 weeks. I feel very lucky to have a doctor that is comfortable going that far. I keep trying to tell myself that there is still time for it to just happen. But I've been dilated 1 cm for a month now and have felt a total of 3 contractions during that time. Thankfully the baby has passed all tests with flying colors and remains very healthy at this late stage.

We keep trying pep talks for my uterus. I routinely implore it to "do something!!!" to no avail. Every night I go to sleep thinking "maybe this will be the night!" Only to wake up with the realization that today is the same as yesterday.

But I know it will be different one day soon. And until then I will just keep enjoying the time I have. Because before I whisper that hopeful statement before I go to bed, I sit in my chair and watch the baby dance in my belly. Knowing I may never have this chance again.

thankful

As I prepare to write some deeper posts, I wanted to take a minute to remind myself of everything I am thankful for at this point in time.

For this miracle baby boy (edit: who is still in my belly!)

For carrying him (edit: past) full term.

That i have had a relatively easy pregnancy with very few of the more difficult symptoms that I dreaded even in my most wishful infertility valleys.

For great friends who are supportive and help me keep things in perspective.

For a naturally laid back attitude and approach to life.

That Max and I didn't have any plans the last three weekends because we assumed we would be busy. It's allowed us to do whatever we wanted and have three last date weekends in a row!

For coworkers that have allowed me to be flexible as we wait for the unpredictable.

For easy going doctors that aren't pushy.

Mostly for Max. He really is amazing. He encourages laying around and resting with the perfect mixture of continuing to do what I feel like I need/want to do. Tells me it's ok when I have an irrational emotional breakdown and carries on through life with me when I'm ready to take the day for whatever it brings. He's pretty good.

on my due date

These are the things I'm curious about...

Will I be able to go into labor on my own?

Who will he look like?

Will our parents make it here in time?

What will breast feeding be like for us?

How will the dog react to this sweet baby?

Will my friends and family give me some peace for however long we have left without bugging me too much about whether or not he is here?!?

Will this be my only pregnancy?

Will I be a good mother?

Only time will tell....

Will this be my only pregnancy?

39.5

That's a lot of weeks. And I'm starting to feel it!

I'm still at work and am really glad that it at least appears I will be able to finish out the week. By 5:00 on Friday I hope to feel comfortable with the thought that I won't be back. I think I'll make it. And then we will play Monday and the rest of the week by ear. I'm thinking maybe half days?

Luckily I'm still feeling pretty calm in regards to when he will come. I'm getting a tad bit more anxious as to the how. Had an appointment today that included an ultrasound and a new doctor because my regular dr was on call. Ultrasound looked great. Estimated 7lb12oz which is about the 55th percentile. His head is a little larger comparatively, 84th percentile...yikes! But that wasn't a surprise and still not in the range that is especially concerning for my doc. It's also not likely to grow much more.

I am so grateful that both my regular dr and the one I saw today are both fairly laid back when it comes to the induction discussion. I was afraid with the ultrasound today they would start pushing it but he said we would probably start talking about it next week if that's where I want to go. But as long as the NST is good next week I think both dr and patient will want to wait. Unfortunately not much progress today on the dilating front. Oh well. Maybe next time. He suggested I give my uterus a pep talk :).

Unfortunately, the area in which I have made progress is that I am approximately 400% pissier and weepier than I was last week. I mean, seriously. The smallest things set me off. Luckily I have been able to contain the explosion of emotions to Max and my mom. I feel bad but I say luckily because they are so understanding. Max has been so great. He keeps telling me that I'm doing great and it's ok that I'm crying, uncontrollably, for no apparent reason. I've seriously cried more in the last four days than the last 8 months combined. I feel like I'm completely losing it.

And on top of that....I'm getting another cold! Rage!!! I'm so over this. Third one since thanksgiving.

Anyway, still hanging in there. Waiting for some excitement. And hoping to finish out the work week.

the perils of procrastination

I think I've mentioned this before, but I am a procrastinator. I am also a pretty laid back, go with the flow type of person. You know when lots of infertiles talk about the challenge of being Type A and dealing with infertility? I don't so much relate to that. While there have been many, many challenging aspects of this journey, that has not been one of them for me.

In the whole pregnancy process, I think that does me some good. I feel like I have a pretty healthy attitude about pregnancy, labor and even in raising my child because of my ability to adapt, be flexible and go with the flow. We use a program called Strengths***Quest at work a lot and one of mine is Adaptability. I don't get stressed about unforeseen circumstances. In fact, I often do better work when thrown a curve ball.

So as I approach the big milestones coming up, I am able to have an idea of what I want and how things would go in a best case scenario, but know that it may not happen that way. There is very little I can control through this and I'm ok with that. If I need/want to change my mind at the last minute, that's find. It's just part of it.

But one of the downsides of this personality can be a lack of structure, which in my case leads to procrastination. This character trait manifests itself in different ways in my life. I have been able to get fairly good control of it in my work life by using deadlines. Pretty much any task I have has a pretty specific timeline or deadline set by outside circumstances or other people. I know what that timeline or deadline is and I meet it.

So here is the current challenge. In reality, there is no timeline on this baby. At almost 38 weeks, it could happen tomorrow, or it could still be another month. And honestly, I'm fine with either. It's just really strange to not know when such a huge, life altering thing will happen. There is this huge....thing.....looming ahead and I cannot for the life of me tell how close it is!

And because I don't have a "deadline", I'm not done with some things that I want to be done with. And because I could, in fact, still have an entire month left....I can't make myself hurry. What's wrong with me?!? Ha. I go back and forth most days between - "oh my gosh I've got to get stuff done" and "no worries...I've got a month!" Do you know how much time difference there is in tomorrow and one month from now? It's huge! :)

Bottom line: As of Friday's appointment, I was dilated 1 cm and have had some "signals" that my body is doing what it is supposed to do. But that doesn't tell me anything except it will happen at some point.

So, I will keep marking of one task at a time and taking it one day at a time. And maybe try to set a deadline! :)

nearing the end

I just realized how long it's been since I updated. And I went back to my last post. Geez, I was emotional! I guess it comes and goes. But today I'm feeling much better :).

Overall we had a great holiday. In some ways it was a completely different feeling, and in some ways I experienced the same uncertainty and sadness as some previous years. We had some "anniversary" days related to the miscarriage that were definitely difficult. Thankfully Max was by my side and so understanding.

January 1 brought the realization that I am having a baby this year. Deep breath. Wow.

We've had a bit of a rough start to the year health wise. First Max had a sinus infection. I am now recovering from a cold. And now Max has the flu. I'm just praying I don't get it! I did get a flu shot in the fall so hopefully I'll be safe. Our house was also broken into this week in the middle of the day. Luckily, we believe our super star guard dog prevented them from getting too far. They basically emptied out a couple of jewelry boxes/stands. Unfortunately, they got a few things that are irreplaceable but of little value to anyone but us. It's just a bummer.

Pregnancy wise I'm not doing too bad. I'm almost 37 weeks and I keep hearing how miserable I should be. But it's ok so far. His movements are starting to get a tad painful at times, and I'm sure that will get worse before we're done. My biggest problem is how tired I am. The morning is a major struggle. Fixing my hair, which has always been a bit of a process, feels like I'm running a 10k.

I still feel like we have a lot to do, but we are slowly marking things off the list. The sicknesses haven't helped matters. I definitely have a lot to do at work before my last day. I'm just trucking along, trying to get as much done as I can at both home and work before he gets here.

At this point I'm just trying to take things as they come. I'm not yet wishing for things to speed up or for time to slow down. On one hand I am so ready to hold him, on the other I'll take all the time I can get to be more prepared. Either way, it will happen how it happens!