Friday, November 18, 2011

the dangerous hope

I have been incredibly overwhelmed and crazy busy at work the last week or so. I wish I had written things down earlier in the week to really record how I was feeling. But I continued to run out of time.

We did our first IUI on Tuesday morning. According to the doctor, everything went well. We also got Max's last analysis results back and his numbers had improved significantly. To "normal" levels. So we felt really good about that.

I consider this to be my first official two week wait. And it is tough. If I thought infertility was all-consuming before, I was unprepared for this. I can almost literally not think of anything else. This is the first two week wait where I actually felt a shred of hope, that there could actually be a chance that we are pregnant.And that question, are we or aren't we, is all that goes through my mind.

As I'm walking down the hall at work, my mind changes with each step I take. Pregnant. Not pregnant. Pregnant. Not pregnant. Pregnant. Not pregnant.

I sit at my desk and pray for God to tell me now. Whatever it is. Tell me.But there is no answer.

One minute I convince myself that I am pregnant. That all we needed was a little push, and that it worked. That 9 months from now I will finally have my baby.

The next minute I know for sure that I am not. That we will take December off and be ready to try again in January. And that that won't work either. And we will try IUI one more time. And that won't work either. Then we will have to decide. IVF or adoption.

One minute I am planning around the pregnancy I'm already sure I have. The next minute I say to hell with it. You can't plan around something that won't ever happen.

Hope is a bit of a jerk like that. It makes you feel all warm and fuzzy and like you're finally getting want you want. And then you know you won't get it simply because you want it so much.


  1. Praying that you get your BFP!


  2. I completely sympathize. The two week wait after a treatment can be so stressful, because a lot is riding on it. I'm hoping that you'll have good news soon, though, and joining the ranks of those pregnant after infertility

  3. thinking of you in this 2ww... a friend of ours just went through her first IUI and finally got her BFP. i just told her she needed a little push!

    great news about your hubby's numbers!

  4. No advice, just want to say I've been there and my hubby had some MIF that is now cleared up too. So we are both "hoping" together. Hope can be a total jerk :)

  5. Hope is such a jerk, you are so right. Thinking of you and sending lots of baby dust.

  6. Hi from ICLW!

    Hope is a jerk. The two week wait is a huge jerk too.
    I'll be thinking about you and following along, hoping, hoping, hoping you get your BFP!

  7. Haha, yes Hope is a jerk! I never thought of it that way, but it's so true!

    Stopping by from ICLW!

  8. Here from ICLW

    I hate the roller coaster ride of Infertility, so many ups and downs.

    I hate Hope too sometimes!!

  9. that self preservation gets in the way sometimes.... hope, self preservation.... it's so hard to know which is better
    hoping your 2ww is quick and painless and ends in great news
    jes g

  10. The 2ww is torture! I just wrote about that in my blog today. Even if you are completely sure you cannot be pregnant - the 2ww happens and you can convince yourself of anything! In your situation though, I think hope is a good thing! I hope your 2ww ends differently than it has in the past!

    ICLW #105

  11. DH and I used to plan around our hypothetical pregnancy, until we had a loss. It just doesn't feel worth it to do that to ourselves anymore. There is too much life to be lived! That being said, I hope you are pg and can disregard this comment :) Happy ICLW!

  12. Hi there, here from ICLW!
    I can relate so much to how you describe you're feeling. I'm nearing the end of my current 2-week-wait, and this time I managed to be very calm - but the last one was very much like you describe yours. Part of me was actually glad when it was over :-(
    Sending positive thoughts your way and keeping my fingers crossed for you the get a BFP real soon!