the dangerous hope

I have been incredibly overwhelmed and crazy busy at work the last week or so. I wish I had written things down earlier in the week to really record how I was feeling. But I continued to run out of time.

We did our first IUI on Tuesday morning. According to the doctor, everything went well. We also got Max's last analysis results back and his numbers had improved significantly. To "normal" levels. So we felt really good about that.

I consider this to be my first official two week wait. And it is tough. If I thought infertility was all-consuming before, I was unprepared for this. I can almost literally not think of anything else. This is the first two week wait where I actually felt a shred of hope, that there could actually be a chance that we are pregnant.And that question, are we or aren't we, is all that goes through my mind.

As I'm walking down the hall at work, my mind changes with each step I take. Pregnant. Not pregnant. Pregnant. Not pregnant. Pregnant. Not pregnant.

I sit at my desk and pray for God to tell me now. Whatever it is. Tell me.But there is no answer.

One minute I convince myself that I am pregnant. That all we needed was a little push, and that it worked. That 9 months from now I will finally have my baby.

The next minute I know for sure that I am not. That we will take December off and be ready to try again in January. And that that won't work either. And we will try IUI one more time. And that won't work either. Then we will have to decide. IVF or adoption.

One minute I am planning around the pregnancy I'm already sure I have. The next minute I say to hell with it. You can't plan around something that won't ever happen.

Hope is a bit of a jerk like that. It makes you feel all warm and fuzzy and like you're finally getting want you want. And then you know you won't get it simply because you want it so much.