heart still beating

Mine, and the baby's.

Another appointment today. I get so tense waiting in the little room for the doppler to come in. I say doppler, and not nurse or doctor, because from the minute the door opens it's all I can focus on. I barely say hello and make pleasantries, and before they know it I'm laid back ready to go. Usually, wiping tears from my eyes.

She warned me up front today that their usual doppler was broken and they were using one from the dark ages. But they actually found it faster than they usually do and I was able to breathe pretty quickly.

This week I have been trying to focus on slowing my mind down and enjoying each step of the pregnancy as it comes. I'm still a little high off of the excitement of telling everyone. Most days I run into someone that I haven't seen since the announcement and I get to hear another congrats or answer some questions. So that is what I am enjoying right now.

This weekend Max and I are headed to Atlanta to do some test driving of strollers and in person looking at other fun baby stuff. We won't actually register for things right now, just do some looking beyond online. So I'm excited about that. And then in a few weeks when we know the gender "for sure" we can get more specific and start the registry.

So the anatomy scan is on September 12. And yes, we will know the gender that day. We decided to consciously ignore the early guess in case it was wrong and we don't have to re-program our minds. We haven't told anyone except parents that we even got a guess, so as far as everyone knows we have no idea. Yes, lots of people do this earlier, but because of my weight she suggested waiting until close to 20 weeks to make sure we are able to get all of the shots we need and nothing is left unsure. And honestly, I was fine with waiting, again because I am trying not to rush through this. I've waited so long for this and the anticipation is half the fun.

But as excited as I am about the gender reveal, for me that anatomy part is most important. I am still waiting for something to go wrong, so I just want to know that we can cross a few more things off the list as being ok.

Looking forward to the long weekend and hoping it's great for you all as well!

Also, happy college football season!!

checking in

Things are going pretty well around here. I've been delving deeper and deeper into the massive amounts of information about babies and what you need for them.

My daily routine currently consists of either trying not to throw up or starving. Morning sickness wasn't that much of an issue in for me in the first trimester, but it is definitely making up for lost time now. For that past 3 weeks or so I have thrown up breakfast and lunch pretty much every day, and sometimes several times in between. I started taking compounded ginger a few days ago and it has helped a ton. I've only been sick twice in the last four days. Whew!

So if I'm not throwing up, I'm so so hungry. Growth spurt maybe? When I say hungry, I mean desperately hungry. Like cannot concentrate on anything, can think about nothing but getting food. There have been a few times when Max and I are waiting on food at a restaurant that he is telling me about his day and the only response I have is to say how hungry I am. A couple of times I actually stopped to throw up on the way to get food. You now, just get rid of it and move on.

So it's been fun.

This week has been our coming out week. We told all of our friends and families, our students and coworkers, and went face.book official on Sunday. I went back and forth on a face.book announcement. In the end, we decided that we wanted the world to know and to be able to enjoy that moment, but worked hard to create a status that communicated that we were still thinking about friends still working toward this dream.

In the end, we went with, "Max and I are excited to say that after a long journey we are expecting a baby in February! As we give thanks and celebrate this joy in our lives, we remain in prayer and hope for friends who wish for the same." I have had a few friends reach out with similar infertility stories. It's nice to connect with people who I had no idea struggled or are struggling.

This past Spring I was part of an infertility Bible study. It was such an amazing time of growth for me and the support and friendship I received from near strangers was unbelievable. These women are now some of my closest friends. One woman who had previously been through 3 IVF cycles and some number of FET's attempted a last chance IVF with the clinic in Denver. She is currently about 7.5 weeks pregnant and had her first ultrasound this week. We were all overjoyed to hear about the miracle heartbeat. She does have a subchorionic hematoma that is causing some stress and concern, so we are hoping that clears up soon.

Anyway, there's an update. 17 weeks today and looking forward to the anatomy scan in a few weeks!

relief

Everything is fine. Heart rate of 161.

My text to my mom after the appointment said "We're good. I'm crazy."

I have no idea why I got so worked up. But thanks for the support. Seriously.

So with that news we our beginning to tell more people. By Sunday we will be completely out. Exciting and scary!

sadness

For some reason I am feeling inexplicably sad tonight. Desperate even. Our next ob appointment is tomorrow. It's been 2.5 weeks since our last one, but it feels like a lifetime. It's really the first moment of this pregnancy that I have felt doomed.

I have no reason to think anything is wrong. I am almost 16 weeks and should feel great. But I'm scared.

It doesn't help that I am watching so you think you can dance and it's Mia Michaels night. So every piece is emotional. So many tears tonight.

Until tomorrow...

due date

I wish I was talking about the movie. Isn't there a movie with that title?

No. Today was my due date. Before there was nothing to be due anymore.

It's been a rough day. I was traveling earlier this week so I am extra exhausted. I've also been feeling more sick than ever. I threw up several times on the plane yesterday, luckily making it to the bathroom. It rained all afternoon. And Max is out of town tonight.

I am so happy to have this baby on the way. I am so thankful to be almost 15 weeks. I am so hopeful for what is to come. But I am so heartbroken for what I lost.

I have been dreading this day. But also hopeful that somehow it would be special. But I am indecisive and non committal and at a loss. and circumstances, some out of my control some in, have left me alone tonight.

And no one remembers. Which makes me feel like it never even happened. Was this baby real? Did we create life? Or was his time with us too short to count?

I don't blame anyone. I don't even know who actually knew the date. Who I ever even told. I thought maybe my mom might say something. Or possibly a friend.

But it's just me. Here alone. Trying to imagine what my life would be if he were here with me. If I were actually holding my baby tonight. What he would feel like in my arms.

But I will never know him. I can only put my hope in what is to come.

nt scan and other updates

We had our NT scan on Friday. It was amazing to watch the baby for so long and see so many details. Thankfully, everything looks good. The scan combined with bloodwork gave us a risk assessment of a 1 in 10,000 chance for Down's Syndrome or several different numbers of Trisomy. So thankful.

They did have an early gender guess. She called it 90% sure as a boy. I always pictured girl in my mind, so it is taking me some time to refocus, but I'm extremely thankful either way. My main thought right now is that I badly want a daughter at some point and I'm so scared this will be our only baby. But I know that I could be as fertile as anyone, have 15 children and never have a girl. And I know that Max wants a son, and I am beyond thrilled for him to have one. This is not a complaint. Just some processing.

That being said, they could always be wrong. When we told the OB we saw this week that they made a guess at 12w6d, he was shocked. We shall see.

I also had an early glucose screening on Monday because of my BMI. To be honest, I was petrified. I so badly want to have a healthy pregnancy. The test on Monday was great. So relieved. However, that doesn't mean it won't  be a problem later. I have already started an exercise plan and will be doing my best on watching sweets in my diet. Just writing that makes me want a cookie :).

And lastly we checked my progesterone. I stopped those meds last Monday. My level this week was 16.29. The nurse from the OB office vaguely told me that was fine. But of course my crazy mind started freaking out because I'm used to levels in the 30-50 range. I called my REs office and they also said that the level is good, as the placenta is doing the work now. I'm still a bit anxious, but will try to trust the professionals. Any thoughts on 2nd trimester progesterone levels?

And yes, that short question brings up my final point. I'm officially (I think...the internet is confusing) in the 2nd trimester. It's unbelievable. Max and I are in the process of planning the coming out process. I'm so scared to do this, but excited as well. We really just have several groups of people in several different places that we want to tell personally, and we don't want people to find out accidentally on face.book.

Any problem that I have mentioned in this post is unbelievably tiny compared to the suffering and hurt that people in my blog life are going through. My heart breaks for people experiencing loss and hearing bad news. It is so unfair and just downright ridiculous.

first ob appointment

My first OB appointment, this past Monday, was pretty quick after graduation. I had absolutely no idea what to expect.

I am still holding on to the hope of only being seen my women. There is exactly one female in the main practice in my smallish town. I saw her once before being referred to the fertility clinic and remember liking her fine. But since then, I have heard mixed reviews. Several people told me she didn't seem warm or caring and they would recommend someone else. In my mind I'm thinking, I don't know if I need warm and caring. I have Max for that :). I need competent, efficient, understanding, and willing to answer questions.

We only waited for 10 minutes or so. In the waiting room we actually sat across from what appeared to be a teenager of about 16, her boyfriend and her mom. By the absolutely miserable expression on her face and the sheer terror of the boyfriend, we could only assume that no matter how awkward and nervous we felt, there were at least 3 people in the room that had it worse. I've found myself thinking about her a lot over the past few days. Hoping she is ok and has good support no matter what is in her future.

After running through some questions with the nurse and peeing in a cup, we were fairly quickly taken in the exam room and waited for another 10 minutes or so. Man was I nervous. I still didn't even know what all we were doing that day. This is pretty much how it went. D.r K came in and told me to lay back while introducing someone who was studying something and shadowing. They proceeded to put something on my stomach and then she pulled out the doppler. I almost panicked when I saw it. I have been really nervous about being able to hear the heartbeat because I have a bit of....insulation....on my stomach. She said not to panic, it might take a minute to find it at 11 weeks, but we would eventually get it. It probably took about 45 seconds and there it was. Unbelievable. Unfortunately, I was crying by this time and I kept letting out a big sob which made her have to find it again. Oops. We listened for about 2 minutes then she put it up, I sat up and we chatted for a minute.

I definitely wouldn't describe her as warm, but she isn't cold either. She was very nice, caring and quick. I will stop progesterone on Monday and will go back one week later to check my level. Is that too long? It's making me a bit nervous. That day I will also do an early glucose test. I'm assuming that is because of my weight. Either way I don't mind. I'm super nervous about Gestational Diabetes and I want to do whatever I can to keep that away! When I asked what the schedule would be after that, she said once a month. She then quickly followed up by saying that she understand the transition can be difficult and going a whole month without reassurances before I can feel movement may be very difficult. If I want, we can do every two weeks until movement and if I'm having a bad day and just need to hear the heartbeat, I can come in any time. Whew. Relief. I'm going to see how these two weeks go before I decide how often to go in. In some ways, I'm looking forward to going to the doctor less and trying to embrace being "normal". But in other ways, I'm scared to death.

Next Friday is my first trimester screening, including the NT scan. I will be 12w6d. My RE made it sound like they might have a gender guess that day. I haven't heard anyone else talk about it that early. Is that even possible?