I wish I was talking about the movie. Isn't there a movie with that title?
No. Today was my due date. Before there was nothing to be due anymore.
It's been a rough day. I was traveling earlier this week so I am extra exhausted. I've also been feeling more sick than ever. I threw up several times on the plane yesterday, luckily making it to the bathroom. It rained all afternoon. And Max is out of town tonight.
I am so happy to have this baby on the way. I am so thankful to be almost 15 weeks. I am so hopeful for what is to come. But I am so heartbroken for what I lost.
I have been dreading this day. But also hopeful that somehow it would be special. But I am indecisive and non committal and at a loss. and circumstances, some out of my control some in, have left me alone tonight.
And no one remembers. Which makes me feel like it never even happened. Was this baby real? Did we create life? Or was his time with us too short to count?
I don't blame anyone. I don't even know who actually knew the date. Who I ever even told. I thought maybe my mom might say something. Or possibly a friend.
But it's just me. Here alone. Trying to imagine what my life would be if he were here with me. If I were actually holding my baby tonight. What he would feel like in my arms.
But I will never know him. I can only put my hope in what is to come.