Friday, October 21, 2011


I've always known I would have children. I'm not the type of person to crave children. Or feel like I'm born to be a mommy. Few people would describe me as nurturing. But yes, I have always wanted children. I've thought about names, saved pictures of nursery decor and thought about what a great father Max will be. After we got married, I was only on birth control for a few months. I didn't want to go back to the doctor and we were grad-school-poor so we just started using the natural way of family planning.

In 2009 or so, we decided it was time to start. I was 28ish and starting to feel the itch. So we reversed our way of thinking the the family planning department. For about 6 months we watched the calendar and "tried". Nothing happened. So, I bit the bullet and went to see an obgyn (for the first time in 5 years :). She asked us to try naturally for 6 more months and think about losing some weight (like I had never thought about it before). We followed orders. At this point, I was a little bummed it hadn't happened yet, getting a little more anxious, but in general, still enjoying the time Max and I had alone and feeling like I was both ready and so not ready to be a mom.

In the fall of '09, we went back to the obgyn, obviously not pregnant, and she began ordering tests. First on the list was a semen analysis for Max. Unfortunately, his numbers weren't great so we knew right away she would be referring us to a fertility specialist. We decided to give it a little more time, keep focusing on some weight loss, and get past the holidays without too much stress. We had our first appt with the fertility docs in January of '10, spent a long time losing 30 lbs and returned in March of 2011.

March 2011 was a big month. See, I was born on my mother's 30th birthday. She calls me the gift that keeps on taking. It's one of my favorite parts of my world. I love sharing this day with her. I love that she is exactly 30 years older than me. 30 has always felt like the prefect age to have a baby. So, since I was in high school, I have been determined to have a baby girl on my 30th birthday. Sometime in the summer of 2010, it became a reality that it would not be happening. I turned 30 in March. And the rational part of me knows/knew that that was a ridiculous thought. That it was never probable. That even if I had no problems getting pregnant, it would be near impossible to plan a baby on my birthday. But this is the day that my struggle with infertility became real. Looking back, I know that March began my slide into the depths. It began my sadness, my withdrawal, and all of the other emotions that caught a ride. This was no longer something we had to go through for a time before we got pregnant. It was my life. It began consuming my every thought, every relationship, every part of my being. And it hasn't let go.


  1. What are the next steps they have recommended? I wish you luck on your journey.

  2. I hope you are starting to get some good answers and are figuring out a plan of attack, so to speak. I hope you have good luck and that you have it very soon!

    ICLW #39

  3. I totally understand the timeline issue...I always planned on being done having children by the time I was 30...that was over a year ago. The emotional journey that IF takes on a person is it can consume every ounce of our being...I wish you luck!
    ICLW #98

  4. Over from ICLW #55

    I've set some deadlines for myself as well, and it's hard to see them fly by without any progress. It must be especially had for you having planned for nearly your whole life, and then to have that deadline pass unfulfilled.

  5. Those pesky deadlines cause all kinds of trouble. My goal was to be married by 23, have my first child by 25, and another two before 30. Well, I didn't get married until I was almost 29, got pregnant at 31, ended up with severe early onset preeclampsia and we lost our daughter. Now we're in the process of adopting, while I try to lose 30 pounds to try to get my health back to normal after the preeclampsia.

    I've learned to just let go of those deadlines. Good luck with everything!

    Stopping by from ICLW.

  6. Deadlines! Oh boy do I understand that! Our IF journey has definitely been all consuming. It's just SOOOO hard!! You're not alone :).

    I hope you find success soon! I'll be following along!

    ICLW #94

  7. I hated turning 30. And didn't consider kids until I was almost 31. And got stressed out when everything didn't go accordingly to plan. I love timelines, but I've learned they are not always in our control! Happy ICLW.

  8. It's so hard when your body doesn't cooperate and get with the plan. I hit a stage when I was battling infertility that I felt like I'd sunk into a deep dark pit and I ended up taking anti-depressants for a few months. I think it's almost a rite of passage for those of us in the ALI community.

    ICLW #17

  9. Welcome to the blogosphere! It's a great community for support from others that 'gets it'. Best of luck on your journey.

    And deadlines. I have had them too, two kids before 30. Then pushed that to 35.. oh well, we'll see how things go now.

  10. I hear ya! I turned 30 this year too. Stopping in from ICLW