bas. ket. case.

I'm am a freaking emotional wreck. And that's pretty much all there is to me right now.

I'm scared to death of everything coming my way. I cannot see the trees for the forest. Every decision feels life changing. I cry. A lot. Ugly cry.

The physical symptoms and effects of pregnancy currently pale in comparison to the emotional side for me. I have got to get a grip. For my sanity and everyone else's.

So. Just wanted to give an update. Whew! Fun times around here!

34 weeks tomorrow and things are good with the baby. We did an ultrasound this week and checked my cervix before we were cleared to travel for Christmas. He is head down and growth is good. His movements are major and pretty fun. Only a few rib kicks and sometimes he will move and I get a little nauseous. But overall, it's fun.

Holding so many of you in my heart this Christmas. Whether yours is joyous, bittersweet, miserable, or any combination of the above, know that I'm thinking of you.

thanks

I started an update last week and never finished. Lame. I'll do that tomorrow.

Today I am thinking about what a difference a year makes. Last Thanksgiving didn't seem so different in some ways. I was watching the parade in between working on the food in the kitchen with my mom. Heading to my grandmother's for lunch and Max's grandmother's for dinner. Just like we had done for many years before.

I was actually in the middle of the TWW for my first IUI. So underneath all the normal, I was a mess. As we stood in line for food at my grandmother's house, my cousin walked in and passed out the cards for the big gender reveal she planned. I knew within half a second I would lose It. I quickly gave my half filled plate to my mom and ran. Just as I made it to the bathroom, I heard the exclamations of the new baby girl headed our way. To join my sil's baby girl due in March. I finally returned and chose a seat with some cousins that I knew wouldn't ask questions. I silently cried while forcing myself to eat my food.

As it turns out, I was pregnant then, but would lose the baby about a month later right after Christmas.

I will head to my grandmother's house today almost 30 weeks pregnant. In some ways I am a different person. In some ways I am the same scared, bitter infertile.

Obviously, I am thankful for this baby. I am beyond thankful for Max and who he was for me then and who he is for us now. And I am thankful for this community.

I know today will be incredibly difficult or so many of you. Whether you are in a good place, at your lowest, or in a place if uncertainty, know that I'm thinking if you and thankful you are in my life.

i own a baby bathtub

We had our first shower today. It was a small meal and shower following church today at one of the churches Max serves. It was probably a good way to wade into the craziness of baby showers.

There were no games (thankfully :). Just lunch and opening a few presents. We got some really cute things and are super thankful for this newish church family for making us feel at home and celebrating this milestone with us.

When I came in before church, I had to go to the bathroom (of course) which meant I had to walk through the area where the shower would be. I walked in and saw the pile of baby gift bags and the sweet cake that had my name on it. My name and baby booties. I immediately lost it. Luckily I was already close to the bathroom door so I was able to sneak in before making a scene. I just can't believe that after all of these years and all of the baby showers I have been to, it was finally our turn.

We've bought a few things over the years. And just a couple of things since being pregnant. But those have all been cute baby things that represented hope. They represented something to come in the future. Today, we got a bathtub. And there's nothing hopeful about that. It's real. It's practical. It's something we will need to take care of our son. Who is coming in less than 12 weeks.

I own a baby bathtub. How surreal is that?

he moves

One of the reassuring aspects of pregnancy that has really made a difference in the last couple of weeks is movement. For a while, I didn't think I would ever feel it. At my last ultrasound my placenta was anterior so I knew it would be a while longer.

The first time I felt him and knew without a doubt that's what it was I was just a few days past 22 weeks. I'm a few days past 25 weeks now and he keeps getting stronger. It's definitely a weird feeling that I'm not quite used to yet. Max even felt him once a few days ago and got super excited. It was really neat.

I am finally to the point that if I slow down and force myself to sit still for a few minutes I can almost always feel him. It has made me so much calmer and confident. Obviously I know that it doesn't guarantee anything. Something could still happen at any minute. But at least I am not sitting there wondering if he is still alive. He can prove it to me. Man that feels good.

There are times that he is moving so much I can't concentrate on anything else. And he is definitely to the point that some of the movements make me have to pee. Real bad :). He woke me up once this weekend with a super hard kick. I am so thankful for the reminder that he is growing and we are speeding toward February when he will be in my arms.

How unreal is that?

one hundred

I logged in today planning to post about movement. That will come tomorrow.

This is my 100th post. I can't tell if that seems like a lot or not. I would say it's a milestone for sure. This Sunday will also mark one year since my first post. What a year.

When I look back at the beginning of this blog journey, some things have changed and yet some things are exactly the same. Here is a quote from my very first entry.

"And surprisingly for me, as much as I hate paper sheet times, it's the time between the paper sheets that I'm most struggling with. Those times are lonely, dark and moody. They're emotional and emotionless. They are angry and hopeful, strengthening and heart breaking."

This is still so true. I feel all of those things in a single day related to the process of becoming a mother. The process of Max becoming a father. Will that ever change? Here's another:

"I wish this process of procreation could be about the time between the 600 thread-count Egyptian cotton sheets. About love, intimacy and trust. But alas, for some mysterious reason, this journey is about the paper sheets. About science, calendars and money."

Looking back, I think this is wrong. I believe that what I have felt and developed most over the last 99 posts is love, intimacy and trust. This journey definitely brought Max and I closer together. I have developed relationships with friends who I have walked alongside. Celebrated with and shared in devastation. I have learned to trust myself and others enough to let someone in.

Through the heartbreak of a miscarriage, the painful birth of a niece, the hope of a positive, and the anxiety of a pregnancy, I loved and trusted and felt loved and trusted.

I am so thankful for this space and the people it has brought into my life.

out of control

Emotions are running heavy this week. Obviously, I've struggled with posting. I've tried. I've committed to myself that I will. Many times. I've started posts and written them in my head. But something holds me back.

But just because I haven't been posting, doesn't mean I haven't been reading. I check my reader several times a day. I comment. I think about this community and our stories. I shout and laugh with joy when I read good news. I cry when I read the bad news. I sit on pins and needles as I wait for betas and ultrasounds. I hope. But I stay silent here.

For whatever reason, the last few days have gotten to me. There has been good news and bad news. Posts that rip out my heart with the desperation of someone who is, well, desperate. Posts that bring me to tears with grief and longing. And posts that stick in my head and make me think all day long about this crazy reality and the choices we make.

It is unreal me to me what people in this community go through. The amount of loss and fear and joy and hope. And the words, your words, make me feel your loss and fear and joy and hope like it is my own. My heart is heavy and full. It's so much to process.

DAMN IT. I want uncontrollable joy. For all of us.

As I sit here on the eve of viability, the emotions begin to get out of control. I am thankful and happy. Scared and in disbelief. Guilty and undeserving. With the knowledge that there are no guarantees. I am not promised anything.

oh boy

It's officially a boy! Which means the guess at the NT scan at 12 weeks was right. That's actually pretty cool.

It's been so fun telling students, family and friends. People get so excited! Makes me wonder how they would react if it went the other way. Just as excited I'm sure.

So we are deep in name territory and feeling so much pressure! How do we decide? For now we are calling him Clarence. Hmmmm...my students started that and for whatever reason it stuck. I like being able to call him a name, even if it won't be his actual name.

My time lately has consisted of nursery planning, searching for cute boy clothes, mulling over the name list, and chatting with my friends about showers. I'm ecstatic and in disbelief that we are planning showers. Can this really be happening?

I guess so.

I'm officially past halfway at 20 weeks 3 days. And time finally seems to be passing quickly.

We've seen some incredibly happy and incredibly sad news in the community lately. Rejoicing and grieving for both of those. Every time I think about this life inside me I think about all of the people I know still walking the road and pray desperately that they/you could all get what you want.

heart still beating

Mine, and the baby's.

Another appointment today. I get so tense waiting in the little room for the doppler to come in. I say doppler, and not nurse or doctor, because from the minute the door opens it's all I can focus on. I barely say hello and make pleasantries, and before they know it I'm laid back ready to go. Usually, wiping tears from my eyes.

She warned me up front today that their usual doppler was broken and they were using one from the dark ages. But they actually found it faster than they usually do and I was able to breathe pretty quickly.

This week I have been trying to focus on slowing my mind down and enjoying each step of the pregnancy as it comes. I'm still a little high off of the excitement of telling everyone. Most days I run into someone that I haven't seen since the announcement and I get to hear another congrats or answer some questions. So that is what I am enjoying right now.

This weekend Max and I are headed to Atlanta to do some test driving of strollers and in person looking at other fun baby stuff. We won't actually register for things right now, just do some looking beyond online. So I'm excited about that. And then in a few weeks when we know the gender "for sure" we can get more specific and start the registry.

So the anatomy scan is on September 12. And yes, we will know the gender that day. We decided to consciously ignore the early guess in case it was wrong and we don't have to re-program our minds. We haven't told anyone except parents that we even got a guess, so as far as everyone knows we have no idea. Yes, lots of people do this earlier, but because of my weight she suggested waiting until close to 20 weeks to make sure we are able to get all of the shots we need and nothing is left unsure. And honestly, I was fine with waiting, again because I am trying not to rush through this. I've waited so long for this and the anticipation is half the fun.

But as excited as I am about the gender reveal, for me that anatomy part is most important. I am still waiting for something to go wrong, so I just want to know that we can cross a few more things off the list as being ok.

Looking forward to the long weekend and hoping it's great for you all as well!

Also, happy college football season!!

checking in

Things are going pretty well around here. I've been delving deeper and deeper into the massive amounts of information about babies and what you need for them.

My daily routine currently consists of either trying not to throw up or starving. Morning sickness wasn't that much of an issue in for me in the first trimester, but it is definitely making up for lost time now. For that past 3 weeks or so I have thrown up breakfast and lunch pretty much every day, and sometimes several times in between. I started taking compounded ginger a few days ago and it has helped a ton. I've only been sick twice in the last four days. Whew!

So if I'm not throwing up, I'm so so hungry. Growth spurt maybe? When I say hungry, I mean desperately hungry. Like cannot concentrate on anything, can think about nothing but getting food. There have been a few times when Max and I are waiting on food at a restaurant that he is telling me about his day and the only response I have is to say how hungry I am. A couple of times I actually stopped to throw up on the way to get food. You now, just get rid of it and move on.

So it's been fun.

This week has been our coming out week. We told all of our friends and families, our students and coworkers, and went face.book official on Sunday. I went back and forth on a face.book announcement. In the end, we decided that we wanted the world to know and to be able to enjoy that moment, but worked hard to create a status that communicated that we were still thinking about friends still working toward this dream.

In the end, we went with, "Max and I are excited to say that after a long journey we are expecting a baby in February! As we give thanks and celebrate this joy in our lives, we remain in prayer and hope for friends who wish for the same." I have had a few friends reach out with similar infertility stories. It's nice to connect with people who I had no idea struggled or are struggling.

This past Spring I was part of an infertility Bible study. It was such an amazing time of growth for me and the support and friendship I received from near strangers was unbelievable. These women are now some of my closest friends. One woman who had previously been through 3 IVF cycles and some number of FET's attempted a last chance IVF with the clinic in Denver. She is currently about 7.5 weeks pregnant and had her first ultrasound this week. We were all overjoyed to hear about the miracle heartbeat. She does have a subchorionic hematoma that is causing some stress and concern, so we are hoping that clears up soon.

Anyway, there's an update. 17 weeks today and looking forward to the anatomy scan in a few weeks!

relief

Everything is fine. Heart rate of 161.

My text to my mom after the appointment said "We're good. I'm crazy."

I have no idea why I got so worked up. But thanks for the support. Seriously.

So with that news we our beginning to tell more people. By Sunday we will be completely out. Exciting and scary!

sadness

For some reason I am feeling inexplicably sad tonight. Desperate even. Our next ob appointment is tomorrow. It's been 2.5 weeks since our last one, but it feels like a lifetime. It's really the first moment of this pregnancy that I have felt doomed.

I have no reason to think anything is wrong. I am almost 16 weeks and should feel great. But I'm scared.

It doesn't help that I am watching so you think you can dance and it's Mia Michaels night. So every piece is emotional. So many tears tonight.

Until tomorrow...

due date

I wish I was talking about the movie. Isn't there a movie with that title?

No. Today was my due date. Before there was nothing to be due anymore.

It's been a rough day. I was traveling earlier this week so I am extra exhausted. I've also been feeling more sick than ever. I threw up several times on the plane yesterday, luckily making it to the bathroom. It rained all afternoon. And Max is out of town tonight.

I am so happy to have this baby on the way. I am so thankful to be almost 15 weeks. I am so hopeful for what is to come. But I am so heartbroken for what I lost.

I have been dreading this day. But also hopeful that somehow it would be special. But I am indecisive and non committal and at a loss. and circumstances, some out of my control some in, have left me alone tonight.

And no one remembers. Which makes me feel like it never even happened. Was this baby real? Did we create life? Or was his time with us too short to count?

I don't blame anyone. I don't even know who actually knew the date. Who I ever even told. I thought maybe my mom might say something. Or possibly a friend.

But it's just me. Here alone. Trying to imagine what my life would be if he were here with me. If I were actually holding my baby tonight. What he would feel like in my arms.

But I will never know him. I can only put my hope in what is to come.

nt scan and other updates

We had our NT scan on Friday. It was amazing to watch the baby for so long and see so many details. Thankfully, everything looks good. The scan combined with bloodwork gave us a risk assessment of a 1 in 10,000 chance for Down's Syndrome or several different numbers of Trisomy. So thankful.

They did have an early gender guess. She called it 90% sure as a boy. I always pictured girl in my mind, so it is taking me some time to refocus, but I'm extremely thankful either way. My main thought right now is that I badly want a daughter at some point and I'm so scared this will be our only baby. But I know that I could be as fertile as anyone, have 15 children and never have a girl. And I know that Max wants a son, and I am beyond thrilled for him to have one. This is not a complaint. Just some processing.

That being said, they could always be wrong. When we told the OB we saw this week that they made a guess at 12w6d, he was shocked. We shall see.

I also had an early glucose screening on Monday because of my BMI. To be honest, I was petrified. I so badly want to have a healthy pregnancy. The test on Monday was great. So relieved. However, that doesn't mean it won't  be a problem later. I have already started an exercise plan and will be doing my best on watching sweets in my diet. Just writing that makes me want a cookie :).

And lastly we checked my progesterone. I stopped those meds last Monday. My level this week was 16.29. The nurse from the OB office vaguely told me that was fine. But of course my crazy mind started freaking out because I'm used to levels in the 30-50 range. I called my REs office and they also said that the level is good, as the placenta is doing the work now. I'm still a bit anxious, but will try to trust the professionals. Any thoughts on 2nd trimester progesterone levels?

And yes, that short question brings up my final point. I'm officially (I think...the internet is confusing) in the 2nd trimester. It's unbelievable. Max and I are in the process of planning the coming out process. I'm so scared to do this, but excited as well. We really just have several groups of people in several different places that we want to tell personally, and we don't want people to find out accidentally on face.book.

Any problem that I have mentioned in this post is unbelievably tiny compared to the suffering and hurt that people in my blog life are going through. My heart breaks for people experiencing loss and hearing bad news. It is so unfair and just downright ridiculous.

first ob appointment

My first OB appointment, this past Monday, was pretty quick after graduation. I had absolutely no idea what to expect.

I am still holding on to the hope of only being seen my women. There is exactly one female in the main practice in my smallish town. I saw her once before being referred to the fertility clinic and remember liking her fine. But since then, I have heard mixed reviews. Several people told me she didn't seem warm or caring and they would recommend someone else. In my mind I'm thinking, I don't know if I need warm and caring. I have Max for that :). I need competent, efficient, understanding, and willing to answer questions.

We only waited for 10 minutes or so. In the waiting room we actually sat across from what appeared to be a teenager of about 16, her boyfriend and her mom. By the absolutely miserable expression on her face and the sheer terror of the boyfriend, we could only assume that no matter how awkward and nervous we felt, there were at least 3 people in the room that had it worse. I've found myself thinking about her a lot over the past few days. Hoping she is ok and has good support no matter what is in her future.

After running through some questions with the nurse and peeing in a cup, we were fairly quickly taken in the exam room and waited for another 10 minutes or so. Man was I nervous. I still didn't even know what all we were doing that day. This is pretty much how it went. D.r K came in and told me to lay back while introducing someone who was studying something and shadowing. They proceeded to put something on my stomach and then she pulled out the doppler. I almost panicked when I saw it. I have been really nervous about being able to hear the heartbeat because I have a bit of....insulation....on my stomach. She said not to panic, it might take a minute to find it at 11 weeks, but we would eventually get it. It probably took about 45 seconds and there it was. Unbelievable. Unfortunately, I was crying by this time and I kept letting out a big sob which made her have to find it again. Oops. We listened for about 2 minutes then she put it up, I sat up and we chatted for a minute.

I definitely wouldn't describe her as warm, but she isn't cold either. She was very nice, caring and quick. I will stop progesterone on Monday and will go back one week later to check my level. Is that too long? It's making me a bit nervous. That day I will also do an early glucose test. I'm assuming that is because of my weight. Either way I don't mind. I'm super nervous about Gestational Diabetes and I want to do whatever I can to keep that away! When I asked what the schedule would be after that, she said once a month. She then quickly followed up by saying that she understand the transition can be difficult and going a whole month without reassurances before I can feel movement may be very difficult. If I want, we can do every two weeks until movement and if I'm having a bad day and just need to hear the heartbeat, I can come in any time. Whew. Relief. I'm going to see how these two weeks go before I decide how often to go in. In some ways, I'm looking forward to going to the doctor less and trying to embrace being "normal". But in other ways, I'm scared to death.

Next Friday is my first trimester screening, including the NT scan. I will be 12w6d. My RE made it sound like they might have a gender guess that day. I haven't heard anyone else talk about it that early. Is that even possible?

graduation

Life has been unbelievably busy. Especially work. But the good news is, the craziness is over! I've done pretty well keeping up on reading, but have not been a great commenter and obviously not a great poster! When I looked at my blog today I couldn't believe how behind I am. Oh well.

I graduated from the fertility doctor last week. It was unbelievably emotional. I'm just really sad that I won't see them anymore.

When the NP came into the exam room, she started talking about what a crazy morning she had. There was a patient with OHSS, another with pregnancy complications, and several more that were either difficult or bad news. She said she just knew I would be her first easy appointment of the day. Of course that sent me into panic mode, thinking I was doomed.

But everything looked good! Baby measures right on and we just sat and watched it dance around for a while. I was then, fairly unceremoniously, released at 10w4d. After she left the room and I got dressed, Max and I stood there for a few minutes. Just hugging and crying. I was so overwhelmed with emotion. Disbelief that I made it that far. Sadness that I was leaving people I have come to care about. Fear about leaving the comfort of weekly monitoring. Excitement about making a huge step forward into normalcy. And happiness that everything has gone so well.

So there you go. More updates to come soon.

a comparison of pain

I just read a blog post written by a real life friend-ish and had to get my thoughts out before I lashed out at her. It wouldn't be fair to do that to her, but I'm fired up.

She gave birth last week to her third child, a son. She has some very strong opinions about childbirth and raising children and, well, everything. She's a hypnobabies instructor (not sure if that is the right word), has had home & tub births for all 3 children, is a huge proponent of birthing naturally and listening to your body and allowing the baby to come when it is ready. No induction, no c-sections, no praying for the baby to come soon. I disagree with none of that (except that I don't really know what hypnobabies is). In fact, I started reading her blog because I really wanted to learn more about some of these things and hear her opinions. She's pretty well versed in all of these topics.

Her son came last week at 37 weeks. Her latest post is about mourning his last three weeks in the womb. She had to turn off the weekly emails because it was too painful to get a reminder of how big he should be and how he should be changing. When her husband mentioned taking the due date off of the calendar, she burst into tears. She talked about holding her belly and wishing he was still inside and she was still having this special moment with her child.

In case you are confused, her son is healthy and perfect and sleeping in her arms and crying and eating and living.

I understand that hormones run high after you give birth. I understand that sometimes you have expectations related to a birth and that when they are not met it can be difficult, especially combined with the hormones. I have not experienced birth, especially a birth when you feel like it will be your last one. I know it has to be difficult if you want more children or want that experience again. I know that no pain is the same and that sadness is real even if I don't understand it.

But these are the feelings you get when you lose a child. After my miscarriage, each weekly email was like a knife in my heart. Even now, when I am 10 weeks and 2 days pregnant, I think about how big my lost baby boy would be and how soon August 9 will be here and how will I get through that day without a baby in my arms. I should be 36 weeks on Thursday. How unbelievably grateful would I be to give birth next week at 37 weeks. I can only dream.

And I think about all of you. Some of you have lost babies at 16, 23, 34 weeks. And how you would give anything to have those children in your arms, no matter when they came.

Don't talk to me about the sadness of missing three weeks when you have a lifetime.

8 week ultrasound

The heartbeat continues! Relief.

The baby measured 8w5d, exactly where I am. And here's the other shoe. The sac measured 7w6d. Sarah, the NP, immediately felt the wind go out of us and quickly said that she wasn't worried. She said it's not even a week and not even enough to register as small. And that she promised she would tell us if we should be worried.

I can't say that I'm completely reassured. In fact, I'm pretty damn scared. But I know there's nothing we can do.

This was supposed to be my last appt, but during the video conference the RE offered me two more weeks. Of course that made me feel like she thought I needed extra monitoring, but she said it is because she knows I'm apprehensive and if we can then why not.

On to the positive. Sarah said the heartbeat was excellent (they don't do numbers) and spent a good amount of time showing us some specifics. She was able to point out a hand and a leg and even got the little squirt to move once. The change from the previous week was unreal. Max sorta freaked out because it looked like an actual baby.

I'm trying my hardest not to google in this long week leading to my next ultrasound. I can't believe I will be 9 weeks tomorrow. Wow!

in the meantime

Things are still rolling along here. Work is crazy busy and I've been able to squeeze in some personal fun as well. We took a short beach trip this weekend and it really was amazing to just sit and relax and think about almost nothing.

I have to admit I was a bit preoccupied worrying about how the week would progress. Last week, 7w6d was the day of my previous heartbreaking ultrasound. That day was incredibly difficult, but following that I eased back in to being comfortable and confident. Even though something could still be wrong and I wouldn't know it.

My next appointment is tomorrow morning and it is also a video conference which means it may be my last at the fertility clinic. I wasn't ready to switch so early, but that's when they had to do the video conference with my doctor. I'm going to try to get them to let me come back for 2 more weeks. We'll see.

While I'm definitely anxious about tomorrow, I honestly can't wait to see how much half-o (what we call the baby, long story) has grown. I look at other 8 week pics and can't believe I might get to see that tomorrow.

That's all for now. Until tomorrow.

7 week ultrasound

Things are still looking good. Strong heartbeat and good growth.

We actually gained a couple of days on my LMP. I was 7w3d. The baby is 7w1d and the sac is 7w2d. The doctor still assures me the fact that I am 2 days behind my LMP dating is just fine because of when we did the trigger. And last week it was 4 days behind, so good news.

I'm still a few days away from 7w6d...which was the day of bad news last time. Hoping I can make it through with relative calm. I will be at the beach after all. A short trip, but the beach nonetheless. Hoping to post a few more updates soon.

6 week ultrasound

We have a heartbeat!

According to the NP, everything looked A+ perfect this morning. Couldn't have been any better.

I've been so calm this whole time. So when I was seized with panic when we pulled into the parking lot, I didn't know what to do! I somehow held it together until time to go. When the NP walked in, I immediately started crying. When she put the wand in, she the first thing she said was uh oh. She very quickly caught herself and explained that the progesterone had clouded the ultrasound (because I'm stupid and forgot to wait until after). Once she got the wand cleaned off everything was fine. Max saw the heartbeat right away. I forgot to wear my glasses so they had to point it out to me.

According to my LMP I should be 6w4d. But before she even started she offered some commentary on my file that we were a few days later than normal on my trigger and IUI so it was possible to actually be a few days behind that. I'm glad she said that before we even started. The baby is measuring exactly 6 weeks and the sac is 6w1d. My biggest relief came with the sac size since that was the initial problem last time. If I'm being honest, this is giving me a bit of worry, but I have to trust her that it's ok. All we can do is wait for what comes next.

So thankful to be where I am. Max and I could not stop smiling this morning. But of course, I'm always thinking of so many of you in this community who are experiencing heartbreak right now. It really is unbelievable the range of emotions when I scroll though my reader. I would give anything to make it only happy news. So, if you're on the bad news side right now, know that I think of you every day and carry your dreams around with mine.

checking in

No news is good news, right? Things are moving along over here. 6w3d today. Ultrasound tomorrow. Feeling super calm, but super nervous at the same time.

Let's do a little symptom check:

Energy: none. Seriously. It's ridiculous.

Boobs: hurt so bad sometimes. Other times, not bad at all.

Nausea: comes and goes. I've had some days where it lasted all day. Some days where I may have only felt it here and there. This weekend I was up moving around a lot packing and it would hit in pretty strong waves.

Food aversion: yogurt and this amazing broccoli cheese casserole we serve at the orientation program I work for. Bummer on that one, as I only get it during the summer.

Overall, not too shabby. I'm grateful for the symptoms to be honest.

I will update in Wednesday. With good news hopefully.

beta #3

Man, it's been a long week waiting for this beta.

hCG is 2225.6 and progesterone is 46.2. Pretty sure I'm happy with those. The nurse said they were beautiful.

Of course, I committed the cardinal sin and googled 5w4d hcg. That was dumb. I should never do that!! I know that's within normal range. Doubling time of 52.1. Well within normal.

But G.oogle, I don't know how to quit you!

The first ultrasound is scheduled for next Wednesday morning. My goodness do I pray there is a baby with a heartbeat ready to be seen!

my mood

It's rough. My emotions are definitely being expressed through anger and snark at work right now. My coworkers and students are taking the brunt of it.

I find myself having a conversation with someone at work then walking away and thinking, "my gosh that was mean. Control yourself!"

Not exactly sure how to deal with that.

In other news, I gave myself my first shot tonight. It was heparin in my stomach. Not too bad. Max will be out of town on Monday and Tuesday so I have to learn how to do this. The progesterone in the butt will be more difficult. I think I'm going to have to get a friend to do that. Not sure I can get the right angle. Any words of wisdom?

Thanks for all the well wishes. I still can't believe it.

Hoping many of you get some resolution soon as well, no matter what oath you are currently traveling.

beta #2

Sweet Jesus. It's real.

238.4

That's a doubling time of 28.5 hours. Is that too fast? Of course, I have to have something to worry about. :)

I was totally not expecting that number. I was crossing my fingers for 125. Wow.

So, now I start heparin injections twice a day. First one in just a few minutes. Wish me luck!

symptom check

So there have been a few signs that things are as they should. This has been a bit comforting in the FOUR long days since my first beta.

I definitely have to pee in the middle of the night and the exhaustion has completely set in. My face is a mess in breakouts and the emotions are on the rise. For sure.

I have been feeling oddly calm and positive. For whatever reason, I just think this is it. Everything will be fine. Not sure where it's coming from, but it's there.

Now, I admitted this to Max an my mon at dinner, and I promptly notices some slight cramping after we got home. But I really think its the normal pregnancy/menstrual kind. It's not painful, just there. And I sill really believe this will work.

So anyway, beta #2 tomorrow morning. Should here something between 2:00 and 3:00. I'll let you know!

beta #1

I guess the title should tell you something. If it was bad news, there wouldn't be a #2, right?

It's not all good, but we've been here before.

My clinic considers less than 5 negative and higher than 25 positive. Today, I am 23.1.

This is very close to where I was with the first pregnancy. My first beta then was 23.6 at 13 dpiui. So the number is almost the same, but today I am 12 dpiui. So that's good, yeah?

We'll see. It doesn't matter until I get the next beta, which will be on Tuesday.

Fingers crossed until then.

i want to blog

But I don't have time!!!

Needless to say, I have been sufficiently distracted during this two week wait. I am so focused on work (and sleeping when I'm not at work) that it hasn't left me much time to think what if...or not.

I keep having to catch myself from drinking to much caffeine and dreaming of my glass of wine when I get home (usually after 10 pm).

I've got lots of things to talk about, but absolutely no time. You can be sure I will post on Friday. Beta day.

waiting game

I've been too busy to do much of anything except work, much less pour my heart out here. But I've been reading along with everyone celebrating and hoping and hurting along with all of you.

We had IUI #3 Sunday. Positive: we had the best numbers from Max's sample that we have had so far. Negative: I was there by myself and had to wait in the procedure room for an hour and a half. I got super emotional.

But, everything went well and the numbers have me all hopeful.

We will see. I'm glad I have such an incredibly busy week and can be completely distracted. Also, my mom will be in town for my beta so I'm happy about that.

hope hope hope

strange cycle day

**UPDATE: The nurse called back and they seem to think everything is fine. It could just be from the meds building up a thick lining. She said to just stay on track and start testing for a surge on Wednesday night. And they definitely did a beta last week so no worries there. But of course, I already knew that. Thanks for humoring me :)


Ok, so something strange is going on with this cycle and I may or may not be freaking out. So, while I wait on the nurse to call back, obsess with me, will you?

Today is CD 10. AF left pretty much completely by the end of CD 4. Last night I started spotting. This is the only time I can remember, ever, having mid-cycle bleeding.

The spotting last night was pretty light and pink. It's gotten slightly heavier this morning (but still definitely would be considered light) and I started cramping this morning. The cramping is mainly on my left side and it's pretty low.  I can't decide if it feels like normal menstrual cramps or the cramps I felt with my pregnancy in December.

This is also coming off an oddly short 23 day cycle last month.

So, what's going on? Could it be ovulation? It's too early really. I usually don't ovulate until day 15 or so. And I've never had bleeding and have only felt it one or two times. It's also gone on for about 15 hours now, which seems to long for ovulation bleeding?

The crazy and stupid part of me is terrified that they messed up and didn't do a beta last week and I'm actually pregnant. Surely not. But because I'm taking femara, which causes birth defects if taken while pregnant, I can't erase the thought. I'm sure that's not it though.

Ok, thoughts? Are there other reasons for mid-cycle bleeding?

**I hate feeling this confused and paranoid. When I read back through this it doesn't even seem like it's me writing it. Yuck.

the budget

Time for a sales pitch. For the record, no one is paying me to say this.

I wanted to talk a little about budget and finances. I know it is a major concern for many families, and sometimes especially those pursuing fertility treatments or adoption. Max and I have never been good with money. I'm a spender. I love to shop and I love things. All kinds of things. Clothes, shoes, books, purses, pretty things for my house, jewelry...the list goes on. I can get quite out of control if I let myself. Max isn't a spender per se, but he also just doesn't think about money much. He's more of a giver. He will pay for things for people, buy things for the church and not get reimbursed, or allow me to buy something if he thinks it will make me happy. He's also not super realistic with the big picture in relation to finances nor about the consequences that financial issues can bring.

I have wanted for several years for us to get better control of our money and just be in an overall better place. We have tried many different methods and most have failed. I might be on top of it for a couple of weeks, then it gets too confusing or too time consuming or I decide I don't like the system. In the fall, all that changed. I found a new budgeting system, interestingly posted by another blogger, and decided to give it a try.

We started using YNAB (You Need a Budget) in September, and I am not exaggerating when I say that it has changed our lives.

There are two main things I like about YNAB. One, the budgeting system is the simplest, most common sense system I have ever used. And I have used a few. And two, there is a philosophy behind the budget. It's not just a place to record what you spend and build a budget. It made me think about our money in a completely different way.

There are four rules that build the philosophy behind YNAB. You can read more about them here. My take away from the rules is this - live off of last month's paycheck, give every dollar a job and make spending decisions based off your budget, not what is in your bank account. Again, that's my interpretation. Prior to starting with YNAB, we would typically end the month with less than $100 dollars in our checking account and with minimal savings. There were many months that I crossed my fingers that transactions cleared in the order I thought they would so we wouldn't go overdraft. Not a fun way to live. And how many times did I log in to online banking before swiping my card to make sure I had enough money? Now, I honestly can't tell the end of the month from the first of the month except for paying bills. I only log in online to record my transactions in YNAB. I don't have to focus on my balance because I am focused on my budget. And we are slowly working toward the goal of putting our entire paycheck toward the next month. It doesn't happen overnight, but we are definitely making progress.

Like I said, the system is super easy to use. It takes a few weeks to get used to things and make it a habit, but I can update our budget and get a handle on our current situation now in about 15 minutes, if not less.

I have never felt more at peace with our finances.

Full disclosure, there are two cons. First, it's not as mobile as I would like it to be. I don't know technical terms, but I wish it would automatically sync from the desktop app, online, another desktop and my phone without wifi. Evernote is an app I use that does that. I do think they are working on that, but as of now it's not great. I only do my budget work on my desktop at work, so if I'm away from the office for several days I don't have access to it. There is a mobile app, but it only syncs through wifi, and I don't have wifi at my office.

The second con isn't really a con. The software costs $60 (there is a free-trial). That gave me pause at first. I hate the thought of paying for something when I'm really trying not to spend money! But I promise, I have saved that $60 ten times over. No joke.

Anyway, all of this to say - money is a definite piece of the infertility pie. For many of us these treatments are coming from out of pocket. Our finances aren't perfect. I definitely still worry about the cost of things that may be coming down the road. But I know we will be better prepared for it because of this budget.

Again, no one paid me to post this. Just a friendly tip!

cyst less

The baseline appointment went well yesterday. The cyst was gone and things are looking good. Started the femara today.

I am still worried about the timing, but am doing fairly well with the whole having peace with it soon. My NP encouraged me about some possibilities in being flexible with the timing. And, my I talked to my supervisor yesterday. I've said it before, but I am incredibly lucky. I wanted to put the timeline out on the table and make sure I am not overestimating his understanding of my circumstance and that he was still supportive. As I began to talk through all the possibilities of days 12-16 and everything it could possibly conflict with, he stopped me and said, "Let's put it this way. No matter when it falls, whenever you need to be at the doctor, you will be at the doctor.". See, lucky.

So, just ready to take my pills and get to next week. I really need this to work.

let's go again

Yesterday was cd 1. It took me off guard because I'm about 5 or 6 days early. What's that about?

I will go in probably on Tuesday for ultrasound and bloodwork. Hoping this cyst is gone!! I feel like it is. I haven't had any pain or discomfort. Good sign, right?

I am incredibly stressed about the timing of the next two cycles. As I've mentioned I think, I am in an incredibly busy time at work. Plus, we are moving in 6 weeks. Stress. This next IUI could potentially fall on some days that we just can't do it. and for that matter, the one after this could do.

I'm just trying to stay calm and know that I can't control. What will be will be. And if it doesn't happen this time, we'll go again. No stress. Is that possible?

Probably not.

I'm

empathy

I've read many NIAW posts this week and many were really good. One stood out to me though and has stuck with me all week.

Jill at Infertility Unexplained wrote about the need for empathy in relation to infertility in this post.

This is my favorite part about what she wrote:

"If I have to give you an analogy to make you understand my experience then you are not listening, nor are you trying to engage me with empathy."

This is so true and what has been so hurtful to me when it comes to my friends and family. Why is it so hard for you to understand my pain? And if it really is hard to understand, is it that hard to try to understand?

I'll explain it all day long if I need to. If you will just listen. I don't need you to try to fix the situation. I don't need you to be my doctor. I don't need to know that you don't understand because it was easy for you. If you can't relate to me, you're not trying hard enough.

I think empathy is the key to world peace. There. I solved it.

Boom.

tagged and awarded

Sorry for the silence around here. For whatever reason my blog silence always falls around ICLW.. I'm still reading and commenting, just not posting a lot. I'm really just trying to keep my head down and deal, along with trying to get work done at my incredibly busy job.

But, I was tagged and given an award in the last couple of weeks and I am finally responding!

So, Shelley at Tales From the Waiting Room tagged me in a Q&A. Incidentally, I love Shelley's blog design. She is pretty new to this blog scene and will definitely be following her along!

Here are her questions and my responses:

1. What’s your lucky number and why?
I don't know that I have a lucky number. Or a favorite number. I guess I like even numbers, for whatever reason. They seem nice and....even?

2. Do you still live in the place where you grew up? Why or why not?
I do not. Max and I grew up together and moved back there for a few years after I finished graduate school while he was finishing graduate school. I then began searching for my next career move and a great job brought us about 4.5 hours away. We are both the only ones of our immediate family to not live within 20 minutes of each other. This can be challenging at times and wonderful at times.

3. Name one goal you have for yourself this week.
Get some work done! I have to get through some of my to-do list, both personal and work. But first, I need to update my to-do list. I have a million things stored in my head that I need to get on paper before I forget them.

4. What’s your favorite item of clothing or jewelry in your closet right now?
 The peridot (August birthstone) necklace I bought for myself after my miscarriage.

5. If you could only have five kinds of cheese for the rest of your life, which five would you choose?
I. love. cheese. Perfect question for me.
1. Hands down my favorite is goat cheese. I have tried it with in a million recipes and I've loved every single one. I also like it on a spoon.
2. Pepper Jack. For sure. One of the deli's in my college town serves nachos that are seriously amazing. Doritos with melted pepper jack. Heaven.
3. Pimento cheese. Not sure if this counts, but I love a good pimento cheese sandwich. With peanut butter. Weird? I don't care. :)
4. A really good aged cheddar. That's also creamy.
5. And last but certainly not least, that processed port wine cheese spread you can buy at the grocery. It's a definite comfort food for me and I only allow myself to buy it once or twice a year. But get that tub and a box of wheat thins...I'm a happy girl. It was a roommate ritual in college. Good memories.
Now I'm hungry.


6. Do you have any tattoos? If so, tell me about them. If not, would you ever get one?
Nope. I've thought about it. But the times I have come, I couldn't figure out what I wanted. Too indecisive. I do know that it would be a white tattoo on the inside of my wrist. Just have to figure out what...

7. If your significant other was an animal, what animal would he or she be?
A dog? Fiercely loyal, protective, loving, tons of fun, excited for new adventures, but sometimes makes you want to scream.

8. Are you an early riser or a night owl?
These days neither. Definitely not an early rise. Never have been. But can't stay awake at night anymore either.

9. Would you rather be a dog named Killer or a cat named Fluffy?
Not a cat person. So Killer by default.

10. How has infertility changed you?
Too many ways. The biggest change for me and the one that affects me most on a daily is on my relationships with family and friends. It's hard to find joy in them anymore. I am shut off and separate.

11. Tell me about your oddest quirk.
I eat M&Ms by color? Is that odd? Yellow, orange and green first. Then red, blue and brown. If you want some of my M&Ms, you better ask at the beginning. Because if all I have are red, blue and brown left, the answer is no.

Gosh that is a lot of stuff about me.

And then, StorkChaser at Dog Mom Chasing the Stork gave me a Lovely Blog Award. I was asked to share 7 random facts.

1. I hate pickles and the people that know me best know to take them off my plate.
2. I’m not a fan of eating outside (unless I’m at the beach) or on the floor/ground (ever).
3. I am a compulsive grammar and pronunciation corrector. It doesn’t mean I think I’m smarter than you. I just can’t help it!
4. I believe that if The West Wing was real life our world would be a better place. Jed Bartlett was an amazing President! (not a political statement about President Obama, I promise.)
5. My dream is to be independently wealthy – so I could help anyone I want and buy anything I want. However, as my sister-in-law says, I am destined to work for what I have. Although I do have a new career goal - venture capitalist. Whatever that is.
6. I want to build a tiny house to stay in when we go visit our family in our hometown. Or maybe a yurt. Or an airstream trailer.
7. I love to read. Pretty much anything.

OK - now you know more about me that you ever wanted to know!

Time is a tight commodity for me right now, so I'm not going to tag new people, but I would love to hear some of your responses to Shelley's questions or some random facts about you in the comments!

closure

Two weeks ago amidst the bfn and news of the cyst, Max and I decided to pile it all in one week.

We found out that the baby we lost in December was a boy.

There were many, complicated reasons that we waited. But I knew I needed to know that. So when we were ready, we asked.

I was honestly scared to death about how I would react. I knew I would be devastated if it was a girl. But I was even more scared that I might feel relief if it wasn't. In the end, I'm not exactly sure how it would have been if it had gone the other way. But my heart literally broke imagining the son that could have been.

The word in my mind...boy...made the baby so much more real in my mind. And instantly, I was grieving all over again.

Church on Sunday was particularly difficult. Lately, I have been sitting in the foyer. 1) because I'm late and 2) because it's easier to hide when I cry through the whole thing. Well, Sunday a family was there with a baby boy and he started fussing during church so his dad brought him out to the foyer to walk him around. So I sat the rest of the service watching this precious baby boy and his doting father. All I could do was stare at them and wish it could be us.

But all the wishing doesn't bring me any closer.

Is this closure? I don't know. The wound feels just as open as it did four months ago.

good news

I'm so tired of only posting about sad things. I'm actually so tired of being sad.

I realized today that Max and I have good things happening that I haven't shared. I've mentioned that Max is a pastor in the Methodist church. The Methodist church works under an appointment system. Basically, it's an itinerant system where you are called and sent where you are needed. This can be a stressful process for a pastor's wife with a career of her own.

He has been serving a small church about 35 minutes from my work for 4 years. It's been a great church with wonderful people. But he is ready for something new and I am beyond ready to live in the same town that I work.

So, we are moving! You never really know what will happen when you put yourself out there for a move. Sometimes, they have no regard for the partner's job or the family's needs. We are lucky though. Max will be appointed to the Wesley Foundation, the Methodist campus ministry at the campus I work. He will do worship and outreach there and will actually supervise student interns and train them in serving 4 small churches in the area.

This is such a great combination for his skills and gifts and I am so excited for him. There will definitely be stressful points as we adjust. We will be moving in mid-June and that is a crazy time for me. I work with freshman orientation so my work days are approximately 20 hours long during the summer. But, I've done pretty well to think past the stress and focus on the end result.

So, just wanted to share some good news. We're excited!

meeting the niece

This post has been written for a while. For some reason, I didn't publish it. And how, for some reason, I want to. This is the story of when I met my niece a few weeks ago. Middle of March. If you haven't read the beginning of the story, you can do so here and here.

We got to Tennessee on Sunday night about 6:00. I thought we would just hang out with my parents and work up the nerve to go see the baby on Monday. The minute I stepped in the door, I saw the car seat. My stomach dropped. I walked on in and my mom told me that my SIL and niece were next door doing a little work at the winery.

Deep breath. I have time.

We sat down and began making small talk about the work trip I had just been on, the drive home, our plans for the week. My mom was in mid-sentence when I suddenly let out the biggest sob. It came from deep and it was uncontrollable. I sobbed for a couple of minutes then got it under control again.

As the minutes ticked on, my chest got tighter as I knew they would walk in any minute. I heard the door open and my heart started racing. I panicked. It was my dad. Calm down. More chatting; hear the door open; heart racing...my other sil and 7 year old nephew. Calm down. More chatting; hear the door open; heart racing...my bil. Calm down. More chatting; hear the door open. I can tell by the look on my moms face that it's them. The only thing I hear is the sound of my heart.

My sil walks in the room and says "who wants a baby?" (punch in the stomach) and headed straight for me. Luckily Max, sweet Max who had his own hurt to deal with, quickly intercepted and took baby Sage into his arms.

I wasn't prepared for the pain I felt watching Max hold her. I'm so grateful because it gave me time to get used to her presence in the room, but it was so bittersweet to see that baby in his arms.

Soon after the pizza got there and everyone got busy with dinner. My sweet dad was the last person to leave the living room. He came over to hug me and we both stood there with silent tears. I then called Max back in.

We stood there and stared at each other, him holding Sage, for what felt like an hour. And then I nodded at Max, forced my arms to take her, and I met my niece. The tears were still flowing, but in a moment that seemed like pure joy (but was probably in actuality gas) she smiled at me. Super cute.

I held her that night a good bit and some the next day. Each time was easier, but carried its own pain as well. On Monday, I was sitting down and Max was standing as he handed her off to me. I had a flash forward of Max giving me our baby as I lay in a hospital bed. One day.

Overall I would say it wasn't as bad as I feared, not as good as I hoped. But i did it. I'm glad we didn't wait. And I think we handled it the right way.

disappointment

This journey is all about disappointment.

Every time hope is renewed, we think about new milestones, new goals. And then we're disappointed. When the iui was negative, it meant no 2012 baby. Waiting for our cd3 ultrasound on Friday, max tried to cheer me up talking about maybe having the first baby of 2013. And then the baby's bday would be January, Max's would be February and mine March. How neat, right?

Until we found a 4 cm cyst on my right ovary. No iui this month. We can still try naturally, but nothing with drugs. Rage.

I know it's just waiting a month, but a month feels like a lifetime. And work is about to get unbelievably busy. The thought of doing all of these appts around my work schedule during June and July is completely overwhelming.

But it is what it is. Maybe our bodies will come through for us on their own this month. Hope is all there is.

working through

Literally. That's how I'm dealing with the negative. Working working working.

I've had a couple of terrible moments. Monday night I woke up in the middle of the night hysterically crying. I scared Max half to death. I couldn't stop. When I got up in the morning, I had mascara all over me. My face, my neck, my arms. And yes, you caught me. That means I don't wash my face at night. The While getting ready, I decided to start crying and cried for about an hour and a half straight.

But I've been a bit better since then. I should officially be cycle day 1 tomorrow morning which means moving forward. Excited about that.

I'm bummed I won't have a 2012 baby. Maybe a little more than bummed. What if the Mayans were right and the world ends? Aaagggghhh! But seriously. No 2012.

I'm sad for many of my blog friends right now too. This is a bunch of bullshit!

That's all.

negative

It didn't work.

I'm in a better place now than I was this afternoon. Devastated describes me then. It's dulled slightly.

Mostly I feel stupid because I really thought it worked.

That's not true. Mostly I feel sad. Unbelievably sad.

We decided that when we go for our next baselines later this week, I will ask if the baby we lost in december was a girl or a boy. It's time. To know and to move forward.

pregnancy or progesterone (or imagination)

Let's play a game! It's a talk-show style game where I give you a symptom and you tell me if it's pregnancy, progesterone or imagination. I think this will be fun for everyone.

Exhaustion - I'm soooo tired. Even after going to bed and waking up at fairly normal times, I can barely keep my eyes open while driving to work. And for the past two nights I've fallen asleep in my chair at 8:45 while watching at least semi interesting television. I distinctly remember this being present before my beta last time.

Emotional - I cried in the Hunger Games on Sunday. I cried at work yesterday after a very minimal screw up. I cry every time I think about getting a phone call on Monday afternoon after my beta. I definitely remember the emotions of last time, but it was a little later in the process.

Dry, itchy skin? - This one is weird, but it happened last time too. My legs especially are crazy dry and itchy. I lotion up approximately 5 times a day. Weird.

And finally, waking up before my alarm and I can't go back to sleep because I have to pee so bad - Worst feeling ever. I lay there and will my body to cooperate and let me sleep for 15 more minutes. But no, I have to pee. So. Bad. This definitely was an issue last time, but I don't remember when.

Ok, let the game begin.

I say imagination for all. I guess we'll see on Monday whether I win or lose.

reality after distraction

This week really has been great. I was busy all day in board meetings and exploring San Antonio with good friends/colleagues at night. Other than the progesterone, I really didn't think much about the current circumstances.

I got home last night and got some much needed sleep. Sitting I church this morning though, reality covered me like a blanket. I could literally feel it setting in.

The funny thing is, I feel mostly hope. For whatever reason, I really feel like this will work.

We will see. One more week.

iui today

We had IUI #2 this morning. I'm so thankful that we got to do it. I am currently in a plane headed to San Antonio for work. Without Mac. So we just made it!

It was fairly uneventful. I managed to stay pretty calm this morning and only snapped at Max once (short temper is one of my stress responses...he handles me pretty well).

We actually also got results back on Friday from the antibodies testing we had done at the beginning of the cycle. No surprise here, my numbers were borderline for ACL. I haven't had time to get too far into research (not even enough to remember what that stands for...anti something lipids maybe?) but it basically means that my body may produce a blood clot between me and a growing baby. Normal is under 12; the nurse called over 20 and intermediate positive. Mine were 15. We will do another test in 6 weeks or when we get a positive pregnancy test, whichever comes first. If it comes back positive then, the treatment will be heparin injections or baby aspirin. If it comes back negative, I will have the option of doing a more detailed thrombosis panel. So. We will see.

Max struggled today with putting me on a plane right after the IUI. He was hoping we could take off all day this time. But he will be busy too so hopefully this distraction will shorten the two week torture.

I will start progesterone suppositories tomorrow night. Starting Thursday I will do 3 a day. Since we know it was an issue last time we are going straight in to the dosage I was on in the end. That makes me more comfortable. And ten if we get a positive we may add injections back in depending on levels.

So I'm feeling nervous, anxious, desperate, calm, excited, hopeful. All things I would expect at this point.

Wish me luck! And luck to all of you in the middle of this as well!

links

Among all of the emotions running through me lately, I'm trying to find a little joy, perspective and reflection. Here are some great things I've been reading, seeing and listening to. Enjoy!

I related to this message to 'my' body so much. I thought it was one of the most beautifully written blog posts I've ever read.

IF can be incredibly hard on relationships. We all know that. Max and I probably have more than our share of arguments and to be honest, I usually win. This post, Marriage is for Losers, struck a chord with me. I immediately thought of at least 10 ways that I need to "lose" in our relationship. Not just lose to Max, but lose to our marriage. It's time to let go of some things. Past time.

Comparison is definitely a trap I fall into in the blogging community. I used to keep up a general personal blog that focused more on....well basically, stuff. It began to get exhausting because I wanted what everyone else had. This obviously becomes a problem in the IF world as well. You have all probably seen the quote, "Comparison is the thief of joy". I've seen this credited to Dwight Edwards, but I haven't been able to verify that. This short post about comparison is great.

While I haven't allowed myself (even when I was pregnant) to pin any photos that would give away the fact that I'm planning a nursery in my head. I am always on the lookout for nursery ideas. This color scheme stands out to me. Soft pink, neutrals and a pop of neon? Yes, please!

After Max and I met the niece this weekend, we went to Nashville for a night to enjoy a little getaway. When looking for some live music, I was ecstatic to find that one of my favorite bands was randomly in Nashville Monday night. Imagine Dragons put on a GREAT show. They were so humble and gracious. It was a super amount of fun. This is my favorite song.



Though this is making a quick climb to 2nd.

cd3 appointment

So this happened last week but I'm just now catching up to my thoughts. I'm writing this to help me process and to remember my baby that could have been.

When Max and I got in the car to make the 20 minute drive, we were running late and I was mainly focused on my breakfast and my makeup. As we got on the interstate though, my head calmed down and I realized what we were doing. Suddenly I was overcome with a strange mix of sadness and hope. Sadness that we needed to start this process again, and hope the it will result in a baby in my arms this time.

It really was good to be back at the clinic. The receptionist is crazy perky. My first day there I was super annoyed. But that day it felt like coming home.

My emotions reached a tipping point in the ultrasound room. I sat on the table and the "life" of my child flashed through my mind. The day I had the ultrasound and we knew we were finally moving forward with an iui. We were doing something! The day I laid on the table with a death grip on Max's hand expecting to be told it was not a viable pregnancy. Instead we saw a heartbeat at 5 weeks 6 days. One more ultrasound on that exact table where I started to feel like this might happen. We talked to the np about heading home for Christmas and telling our siblings. She gave us extra pictures to leave with our families. And then the final ultrasound. What I remember most was the feeling of dread. I knew.

So as I sat on the table last Thursday, I was filled with sadness and hope. While I am so ready to move forward; so ready for a different outcome, I am still so sad about the baby we lost.

When the np came in (different one; I'm not a fan) and began to get the machine ready, I thought for a second about bolting. But suddenly Max was holding my hand and I knew he was thinking about our December visits as well. As the magic wand began to do its thing, I got lost in the memory of searching for the baby, searching for the heartbeat, the overwhelming joy and relief when we saw it. For a minute, I saw the little flicker on the screen. As I closed my eyes the np started rattling off measurements and taking pictures. And I blocked it all out and wished with all of my being that we would get to see that flicker again soon.

Only time will tell.

jumbled

I've got so many thoughts and things to talk about. But I don't have the time or the emotional stamina to get it done. I will settle for some short updates.

The appointment this week went well. It was interesting and I would like to write more about it soon. Everything looked good and I started letrozole yesterday. I'm not sure when i will hear from the antibodies testing. It may be a few days. I'm also stressed about the timing of the IUI as I have a work trip scheduled next week. All we can do is wait and see though.

Max and I are driving to Tennessee right now to see the baby. I'm pretty numb and indifferent about it right now. I don't know how I should feel. I'm exhausted after a work trip this weekend so I'm worried I will be extra emotional. I don't now. I can only be what I am. Make sense?

I need to write a post I've been thinking a lot about recently. About why I blog (promoted by a post by Unaffected).

Until I have time for a longer post., let me just say that the support I have gotten from all of you in the last week has been unreal. The emotions related to the birth of my niece have made me feel completely crazy. When I get a comment from someone that is full of empathy and void of judgment, I feel loved like I never have been before. You all have been my unconditionally loving family and my comforting and compassionate best friends. And I know this is horrible to say, but in a time that I am very angry at my God, you have provided the hope and peace that I can't seem to get from Him right now.

I'm trying to let this go and get over the dramatics, but I feel like my heart has been pierced so deeply. While I figure out how to move forward with my family, I feel so lucky to have you all on my side.

back in the saddle

Or should I say stirrups.

I have my first appointment tomorrow at my clinic since I had my follow up after the miscarriage. It's just for baseline ultrasound and bloodwork to make sure we are ready to get started with the cycle.

They will also do an antibodies test to check for autoimmune issues that could have caused the miscarriage. I honestly don't expect them to find an issue.

I can't decide how I feel about going back. If I'm being honest, it's been at least a little freeing to not have the appointments and the tests. But it all starts back tomorrow. If all goes well, I will start letrozole on Saturday and do the iui in the neighborhood of next weekend. Here's hoping.

Still struggling with and processing the birth of my niece. Finding it very difficult to know what I feel. Another "funny" tidbit from my birthday. I opened a piece of mail thinking it was a birthday card, but instead found a baby shower invite. Ouch.

she is here

Honestly, it's a little unbelievable. I am literally in disbelief that it happened this way.

They ended up needing to do a c-section and I hate that for her. It's something she badly did not want to happen. But they are both safe and healthy. For that I am thankful.

But beyond that, I'm in shock.

When I rolled over to hit snooze this morning (at 4:15 mind you...crazy busy work day) I saw the text from my mom immediately. When I realized what it said, I had to ask myself a few times if this was really the day. Is it the 1st? The 3rd? Or is today really my birthday? Yes, it's real.

I've read some posts lately about how infertility always sticks with you. Once an infertile, always infertile. Honestly, i don't know if I bought that. Now I'm convinced. This will be a constant reminder of what I couldn't do. I know I will love her. I already do. But this piece of my heart cannot be fixed.

I've gotten several texts about hiw exciting this is. My cousin texted to say happy birthday and how exciting it must be to share this day with a 3rd generation. But it's the wrong baby.

It's unreal.

I'm so mad. The odds of this are so minuscule. She is TWO WEEKS past her due date!

My brother called to say happy birthday. It was a surreal conversation. Trying to be upbeat and exciting. Not having to pretend to be genuinely concerned for them. But not sure where to go from there.

Luckily my busy day at work has been distracting. My students have given me lots of birthday attention. Max ordered me macarons, shipped all the way from Paulette's in Beverly Hills. We are having dinner (with plenty of wine) at one of my favorite local places tonight. I'm currently drinking my second Starbucks of the day. I'm trying to enjoy my birthday.

But constantly racing through the back of the mind is what I don't have. What I could do. Bittersweet thoughts for the wrong baby born today.

march 2

Today is my birthday. I've talked about this before, but I need to revisit. My mother and I share a birthday. It's always been one of my favorite parts of our relationship. She calls me the gift that keeps on taking :).

From the time I began thinking about having children, I knew I wanted to have a baby girl on my 30th birthday. My mom was 30 when she had me. Obviously, I knew this wasn't realistic. Even if I could somehow time a baby to be due in this vicinity, babies come when they want to come. Even so, it was always something in my head and in my heart.

When I reached the point that I knew this wouldn't be possible, I reached a turning point in the infertility journey. It was real. And my heart was changed. But to stay positive, I said it's ok. I'll have a baby girl on my 31st birthday. That's today.

I last left the story of my sister-in-law last weekend when she went into labor while Max and I were home visiting family. As it turns out, my niece did not arrive that day. They sent my sister-in-law home and she has been at three centimeters since. We made it past Max's 30th birthday with no baby. We made it past our weekend at home with no baby.

And this morning, I got a text from my mom at 3:41 am saying they were on their way to the hospital. When I called my mom to say Happy Birthday, she had just gotten a text that said "pushing".

And I am heartbroken. This is my baby. The one I dreamed of. This is my mother's first (maybe only) granddaughter arriving on her birthday. Yet, it's not my baby.

I fell like God said, you think it will be painful for her to be born on Max's birthday? You think it will be hard to be there when she's born? Just wait. I'll show you what I can do. Happy effing birthday.

the niece is on her way

Max and I are home this weekend to see the family and celebrate our birthdays. My sister in law was due last Sunday. My only hope was that now that it's been several days, she would just wait until we leave.

We had a dinner tonight with lots of family at my parents house with some of Max's family too. As everyone was finishing up their food, my SIL decided it was probably time to head to the birthing center, about an hour away.

I held it together very well until my dad walked up and figured out what was happening. The look on his face was pure joy. His first granddaughter is on her way.

I was able to quickly leave the room before I lost it completely. I headed toward the front door so I could say bye and give a hug to my brother and SIL on their way out the door. We got to have a good little private cry together before they hit the road.

My parents will head up in the morning. Im not sure what I will do. I guess we will play it by ear.

I wish it were me.

unexpected support

I got a call from my aunt yesterday that was so nice. This is my mom's sister and we don't really talk that often. There is some drama between my mom and her siblings. While this aunt is the most rational of all of them and she and my mom have remained fairly close, the relationship has been strained.

She called me out of the blue yesterday. I almost didn't answer because I don't have her number in my phone. She just said she had been thinking about me a lot since my mom told her about the miscarriage. After giving me some time and distance, she decided to call to check on me. We ended up talking some about her experiences. She has one daughter but had two miscarriages after my cousin was born. My uncle was very discouraged after that and didn't want to go through it again so they stopped trying. She shared some of her feelings of regret and that her miscarriages are still difficult and sad for her. She also asked me very basic, open ended questions about our situation and let me talk about whatever.

This wasn't ground breaking or life changing, but it was so nice to feel the love and concern from her at such a completely unexpected time.

I also ended up talking about our situation a little bit to some of the women at Max's birthday party Sunday night. I know, fun party topic huh? Surprisingly, the one woman who showed the most compassion and understanding is the one who honestly gets on my nerves a good bit. I've been unsure how she feels about me, but felt very comforted by her on Sunday.

I'm honestly having a rough time right now. I'm beyond stressed at work, still very sad at times, anxious about what is to come, and stressed about finances. These two conversations were small bright spots in my crazy crazy world.

musings

I have a couple of random things to write about so I'm putting them in one post.

**First, Max's birthday was great. I had some surprises for him throughout the day and it was fun to see him get excited. We did dinner and drinks with friends last night and had a blast. To be honest, I'm still a little hungover. Nothing major, but not 100% (oops). My workout should be interesting today.

**I'm very much looking forward to the party Sunday night. I will probably stress out at the last minute, and I might get emotional, but I'm very excited. We have a group of young clergy that are kind of all scattered about and they will all be there, plus our best friends that now live 4.5 hours away. I know that a party with a bunch of clergy and their partners doesn't sound all that exciting to some of you, but we're fun. I promise.

**My new niece is due to arrive on Sunday. Thankfully, she was not born on Max's birthday. The story behind my delight in that is a bit complicated and I will go into it at some point. But it's something I've been very anxious about since the day I found out it was a girl. I was literally on the edge of seat yesterday and praying I wouldn't get the call. And I didn't! I am very hopeful that she will be born soon and healthy now that we are past that hurdle. Although I will be a bundle of emotions.

**Joanna at A Cup of Jo (not an infertility blog, but great nonetheless) wrote this post today about authenticity. The message from her mother is wonderful. It made me think of all of you and the support in this community. And how I have learned to open up to people through this journey and share my story even when it's scary. Good quick read.

**I'm currently obsessed with perusing the Fall 2012 Ready to Wear lines from New York Fashion Week. There are some REALLY great collections. My favorites have been Calvin Klein Collection, Milly, J. Mendel, and Naeem Khan. I absolutely adore the Naeem Khan collection. Every piece. It's so fun to dream about fashion.

**So many of you have been on my heart the past few days. Even when I'm not great at commenting, please know that I'm thinking of you and hoping for joy in your journey.

approaching a non-existent milestone

By my lack of posts lately, you may not be sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing. Honestly, I've been doing pretty well.

I had a very normal cycle last week, which has given me a lot of hope for the next few weeks before we try IUI again in March. I am a little stressed over the timing, as I have a work trip to San Antonio scheduled which will probably fall exactly when we are supposed to do the IUI. I'm a bit stressed about that, but right now know there is nothing I can do.

But something has been slowly creeping up on me. Since the miscarriage, I have seen several pregnancy announcements that I consider stupid. Either people that I don't think should be allowed to procreate, or people who announce there pregnancy in an obnoxious way on facebook at something like 5 weeks. (no offense if you've done that...to each their own...I get that sometimes you just want to tell people...I don't judge you).

Something new is happening. I am beginning to see and hear pregnancy announcements from people who I like. And at a reasonable time, 15 or 16 weeks. Which means their due date is close to mine. Actually, someone announced on facebook yesterday with my exact due date. And I'm only on facebook like once every two weeks! How did I catch that?

I just keep thinking - we could be pregnant together! Our babies could share a birthday! I want it to be me!!!

16 weeks was when we thought we would make the pregnancy general knowledge. Obviously some people already knew, and we would have told more people as time passed. But 16 weeks was what we had in mind for telling the whole world.

Max turns 30 tomorrow. We are having a birthday shindig for him on Sunday night. Our plan was to tell some friends at the party as part of his birthday celebration. Not so much. Instead I'll play the happy hostess and break away every now and then to cry in the bathroom. Luckily my best friend will be in town from 4.5 hours away.

I find myself wondering how Max is feeling approaching this birthday. And the non-existent announcement. Is 30 hitting him as hard as it hit me a year ago?

cd1

She's here! AF got here first thing this morning.

From her very first visit in Coach Brown's 7th grade history class, my emotions at her arrival have ranged from annoyance to devastation. Never have I felt overjoyed and hopeful. Until today.

After 3 straight days of emotional breakdowns with no apparent, direct source, I knew it was only a matter of time. Here's hoping this cycle is super close to normal and we are approaching IUI #2 in about 6 weeks.

spontaneous emotional collapse

This morning I went to feed the parking meter. I dropped a quarter and it rolled under my car and I immediately burst into tears. I got in my car and shut the door (because I was in the middle of campus) and proceeded to sob for 30 minutes. I was late for a staff meeting, but every time I tried to get out of the car, it started all over again.

Does this emotional collapse mean that AF is just around the corner? One can only hope.

These last 5 weeks have been never ending. One more week for either AF to show up, or until I can call the clinic and see what's up. Either way, I would love for this week to fly by.

pinterest pretties: february 1

Back again with another pinterest post! Do you notice a color theme with this one? I've been dying for these colors lately!

{1} Elie Saab Spring 2012 Couture (picture from style.com)
{2} Christian Dior Spring 2012 Couture (picture from style.com)
{3) The Wildwood Chronicles by Colin Meloy, illustrated by Carson Ellis (I believe this is technically a youth book, but I loved it. It's very whimsical and the illustrations are outstanding! Just look at that cover!)
{4} Color inspiration from Creature Comforts (Fortune Favors the Brave art print by Alyssa Nassner | Small Talk Studio)
{5} Hanging pendant lamp from Urban Outfitters
{6} Homemade dumplings from Bee Yinn Low editor of RasaMalaysia via Design*Sponge

be kind

I had a good and thought provoking talk with a friend last night, while on the treadmill no less.

She is a fairly new mom; her daughter is about 5 months old. We went to graduate school together and she was very instrumental in the development of my feminist side. She's always been fiercely independent, very driven and definitely wanted it all.

She talked pretty honestly about her issues with life right now. We are both in a bit of a holding pattern with our careers right now. Not sure where to go next or what decisions will make us happiest and fulfilled. She also talked about how hard it is to be a mom. She loves her daughter more than she thought she could ever love something. But it's hard. None of this was in a complaining nature. She was just being honest.

She talked about the competition and judgment that comes from other moms. The trouble she had breast feeding and how horrible people made her feel for it. How she feels like if she is going to leave her child at daycare every day it better be for a job where she is making a difference. And how she's so afraid that if she does decide to stay home with the baby, she won't be cared for as well as she is at daycare, interacting and learning with other children.

It all came back to the expectations of others, and more importantly, the expectations she places on herself.

How many times have I heard someone in this community say: when I get my own child, I will never complain. When I finally get to be pregnant, I will never complain. But here's the truth: we will complain. Because it is hard.

I have a secret for you. I love champagne. And wine. But I really love champagne. And for the 8 weeks that I was actually pregnant, I missed it. And I complained. More than once. And I'm mad at myself for it. And if someone in the ali community heard me complaining, they might hate me for it.

The conclusion of our conversation was summed up with this: women can be mean. We are competitive and judgy and gossips. But women can be wonderful. We are supportive and compassionate and encouraging.

Why can we offer those things to others but not to ourselves? And when we know we can't always count on the kindness of others, we have to be kind to ourselves.

So that's the end of my preachy post. Be kind to others. Be kind to yourself.

And get ready to listen to me complain when I'm eventually pregnant again and can't have champagne. I love it.

not over you

Sometimes when Max and I are on a long car ride we play word association games. Fun times. It's his way of keeping me awake. Otherwise, as soon as the car goes in drive I'm asleep.

This is a little different, but there are certain songs that have nothing to do with my life or emotions, but my head changes the meaning.

I've been a little obsessed with Gavin Degraw's song Not Over You. The chorus is so stinking catchy. I find myself suddenly singing it at the top of my lungs at the weirdest times. And more than a few times, I have burst into tears in the process. For those of you not familiar, here it is:

If you ask me how I'm doin, I will say I'm doin just fine.
I'd lie and say the you're not on my mind.
When I go out, and I sit down, at a table set for two;
Finally I'm forced to face the truth.
No matter what I say I'm not over you.

I promise; it's catchier when you're listening.

But change one little word. Two to three. And that's my life. It doesn't rhyme of course. But it's my life. I tell everyone I'm fine. Max. My mom. My coworkers. Students. Friends. And sometimes I am. But not really. And every now and then, something happens that forces me to face the truth. I'm not over you.

yums: eggs in avacado slices

I, personally, loved my pinterest post this week. At least a few of you liked it too! So, I'm also going to do a weekly food post.

Max and I both love to cook (unfortunately, neither of us loves to clean). One of my favorite things to do at the beginning of the week is to sit down and plan our dinners out for the week. I must admit though, Max does get frustrated that I always have to try new things. I'm not a big fan of repeating. :)

So, I'm going to start sharing some of my favorites. Honestly, I'm not great at coming up with ideas on my own, although I'm trying. I like to follow recipes and see that someone else has been successful first. So, if you were hoping for original content, you will be disappointed. I will however lead you to some great food blogs and always give credit where credit is due.

Today's meal is from Apron Strings. To be honest, I haven't read a lot of this blog; I think I first saw this pic on pinterest. But I can definitely vouch for this specific recipe. Just take a look:

 This is pic is not mine! It's from Apron Strings!

So, here's the information for Eggs in Avacado Slices:

Heat a non-stick skillet to medium low heat. Lightly spray with oil. Slice an avocado with the skin ON lengthwise, forming one thick slice in the middle. Remove the seed and use a small cookie cutter to make a hole in the center of your thick slice. Place the avocado slice in the pan. Crack a medium sized egg into the center of the hole. Cover and cook for a minute or two, until the egg is as you like it. Season with salt and pepper and serve.

**Here are my edits. I just popped the seed out and then trimmed the hole it left with a knife. I don't own a cookie cutter :). I also missed the word "cover" when I was reading the instructions. That caused a bit of a problem. The egg definitely cooked slower than I would have liked and the bottom began to burn. I finally realized that I was supposed to cover the pan and I actually had to turn the avocado to get the egg to cook through. This caused a bit of a mess and one of the yolks to break. The yolk also got a bit more done than I would have liked.

That being said...it was delicious. The warm avocado was amazing. So creamy and delicious. I also added some smoked paprika and lemon juice (because that's one of my favorite ways to eat fresh avocado). 

I only made this for myself because Max eats at church on Wednesday nights. This is usually my experimentation night on things that I'm not sure he will like. He was home by the time I was eating, and he got quite a show. I couldn't stop talking about how good it was. He was definitely making fun of me in the end. 

Anyway, it's good. You should try it.

wishing things were different

I should be 12 weeks today. But I'm not.

I spent a lot of the morning remembering how it used to feel when I thought about this day. 12 weeks. How unbelievable does that sound? It's very hard to imagine what that will one day, eventually, feel like.

I remember thinking in early December, "Just get to the end of January. Then you can tell your students! You can tell the church! If you want, you can do an idiotic Facebook announcement. You can breathe!".

Aaaaaaaaaaggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Sorry. That was me being angry.

This also means that I am 4 weeks from my d&c and the obsessive wait for AF to arrive has begun. I'm so afraid that this has knocked my previously perfectly normal cycles out of whack. I am praying, literally, to start sometime in the next 2 weeks. I've NEVER wanted AF to come so bad in my life.

On a slightly different note, I've found it very helpful to talk to more people about what's happening. After my workout on Monday, I called a good friend who has been great about checking in on me to fill her in on the last couple of months. I decided to call on the way home from the gym because I am always in such a good mood after. And it worked - no tears, only a few moments that I had to take some deep breaths! She was wonderfully supportive and said all the right things. Then I was getting my hair done last night and my stylist asked how things had been going. On the spur of the moment, I just decided to tell her. We had a GREAT chat for the next 2.5 hours (it's a loooong process). She's about 25 and getting married in May. She really appreciated me opening up because she hates that everyone acts like their lives are perfect. It's helpful to know that other people have problems and that life doesn't work always work out the way you plan. Maybe these conversations will help her when the inevitable challenges come her way, whether they are infertility or other things. She also wondered how many of her friends and family may be silently going through this and what she could do to reach out to them.

So, a bit of an up and down post today. Lots on my mind. So badly wishing that I was 12 weeks pregnant today. But I'm not.