miscarriage thoughts

I'm still in a bit of a surreal state a day later. I don't have any cramping and barely any bleeding. I can almost make myself believe it didn't happen. But it did.

To me, it felt inevitable. Like a rite of passage. So many of my friends have got through this. So many of you have gone through this. It was just something I had to do. I'm not lucky enough to never experience this.

Oddly, I feel too young for this. I know that's strange. I am 30 and Max is 29. We often talk about how young we still feel. I can't believe I'm old enough or in real life enough to have this kind of suffering.

I got on etsy on Thursday and impulsively ordered a necklace. A green peridot, the August birthstone. I feel stupid for that. Like its going to help. Who knows? Maybe it will. I guess I will see when it gets here.

After our ultrasound on Wednesday they gave us a little sympathy packet. A book with lots of info about the emotional and mental side of this and a little stuffed lamb. It almost made me feel sad for them. A realization that they have to walk so many women through this that they have those at the ready.

We are doing the chromosome testing on the baby. Anxious to see if they will find any answers. If I understand correctly, they can also find it if it was a boy or girl. I can't decide if I want to know. I know that if/when I get a baby I won't care. But I've been so obsessed lately with having a girl. I'm afraid it will make me sadder if it was a girl. I feel crazy for that as well.

Sorry for the random nature of this post. I'm just trying to get some thoughts out in a safe place.

done

Well it's over. It's been quite a surreal couple of days.

We ended up calling to talk to our regular nurse practitioner yesterday because we couldn't get the doubt out of our mind. She reassured me and had all of the right things to say. Based on the pictures she looked at, the baby measured right at 8 weeks and the sac measured 6w1d. She obviously couldn't tell anything about cardiac on the pic, but trusted the other NP. She did say that if it would make us feel better, we could ask for an ultrasound before the surgery to ease our minds. We thought about it all day and couldn't decide. That has been the theme of the last 2 days. No decisions. Max has been in charge of all of those.

Shortly after the hospital called to tell us what time to arrive, the main clinic office called to tell us our doctor wanted to do a follow up ultrasound before the surgery without us even asking. Thank you. Took the decision out of it. And showed me that he understood our position and was being conscientious.

So we did that this morning. We didn't expect to see anything different, but are glad we did it nonetheless. I was able to stay calm and understand everything on the screen. We were then able move forward with no doubt we were doing the right thing.

The d&c really wasn't that bad. Obviously I could still have bad cramping, but I also have pain meds. I cried several times through the process, and most of the nurses were very compassionate and understanding. Except for one. Oh well. When I woke up the first thing I remember was asking "Is it over?" The recovery nurse said "yes darlin it's over" and I burst into tears. (for those of you unfamiliar or surprised at the use of the word "darlin", welcome to the south).

All in all I'm doing ok. My mom went with me too and I'm so thankful. First she's been through this before. Second, she's my mom.

Thank you so much for all of the kind words and support. It means so much.

no heartbeat

We are heartbroken. Literally. I go from feeling intense pain to paralyzing nothing in a matter of minutes.

We are out of town for the holidays still and went to another satellite office of our clinic instead of our regular. It was about a 1.5 hour drive. To be honest, about halfway there I knew that's what the results would be. I kept trying to talk myself out of it. But I knew. I started crying almost immediately after the pic came on the screen. Last week I saw the heartbeat right away. Before she even pointed it out. So I knew today it wasn't there. Max tried to calm me down and tell me to wait, but it didn't matter.

We have both tried to desperately bargain that maybe she just missed it. It wasn't our normal nurse practitioner. Sometimes my stuff has been hard to find. But I know the baby has never been hard to find. The sac only measured 6w1d. I should be 7w6d.

After she was done we waited on a video conference with one of the doctors at the main office. He talked us through the process and talked about our options. We decided to do a d&c on Friday. Of course now we are panicking again and wondering how we can be sure.

Honestly, this was probably harder in the moment on Max than me. I have been guarded this whole time. Waiting for the worst. Knowing that things weren't quite right. He has been so optimistic. Believing that things were perfect. His reaction was a bit delayed this morning, but when the emotions came they came strong. He just keeps saying it happened so fast.

If I'm honest with myself, I know I've blamed Max a little bit through this process. The only diagnosable problem we have is with him. But this miscarriage is all me. There is nowhere else to look. No one else to blame. I failed us.

I don't know where to go from here.

ultrasound #2 and other things

We had our second ultrasound on Monday. Again, we got to see a strong heartbeat and growth in the baby. The gestational sac is still measuring small, which concerns me a great deal but we just have to wait and see. The dr says all we know for now is that we see a strong heartbeat, a fetal pole, and growth in the baby. We just hope the sac catches up. Honestly, she didn't seem too concerned. She was very positive and excited for us.

That brings us to our next task of finding a regular obgyn. The first problem is that I really want to see a woman. Why are there so few female obgyns??? It doesn't make sense. We are looking at 3 practices and each of them only have 1 woman. We also currently live between 2 cities so we need to decide where we want to deliver. The practice that is probably our first choice has one woman, but she is a DO (Doctor of Osteopathic Medicine), not an MD. I honestly have no idea what that really means and what the difference is. Anyone have experience with or knowledge of DOs?

ultrasound today

**Update
We saw the heartbeat. It was unbelievable. The sac was a little small but the heartbeat was strong. I will go again Monday for another ultrasound. There is still so much to be scared about, but for today I will be happy. I will be thankful for this gift and do the only thing I can, pray for another day for this baby.

Slight change of plans. Last night I was feeling my stomach to try to figure out the exact tender spots and I felt a little knot on my left side. I went ahead and called the nurse message line this morning to let them know. My nurse practitioner just called back and after hearing me describe the location, thinks it's probably to high to be baby related but wants to go ahead and check things out so that if it's not I can get it checked by my GP.

So, I'm headed that way now and will go ahead and have blood work and the first ultrasound. Praying so hard that we see everything we are supposed to and my fears can be momentarily calmed.

waiting

I'm still here. Just waiting for what comes next. I have an appointment Friday morning for another beta and an ultrasound. Hoping this week moves fast.

I have a new fear today. The left side of my stomach is slightly tender when I press on it and I've had some very light pain there when walking. That, combined with my low-ish hCG levels is causing me to fear an eptopic pregnancy. I'm not planning on doing anything unless I am in actual pain, so I will just wait until Friday and see what we see.

I've never done well with uncertainty, but this takes the cake.

bfp for a friend

I have a childhood friend, May, who has been struggling with infertility for years as well. I haven't talked to her in a while, but her mother is one of my mother's best friends. It has been helpful for them to share things with each other through this process. I lean on my mother so much and have really needed her insight, wisdom, laughter and tears to get through this. It's been great for her to have another source of information and understanding and for the two of them to figure out together how they can help us.

May had her 3rd IFV two weeks ago. They had decided this was the last time for them. Just talked to my mom and they got their positive! So happy for them and praying that things go well for her baby, my baby, and for all of you!

third beta

Just got the results back from my 3rd beta. hCG went from 74.4 to 718.8. It's not as high as I thought it would be with my own calculations, but the nurse says it is fine and we will just keep moving forward.

This whole process is just so crazy, and makes me feel so crazy. The nurse actually said that it is a bit of a double edged sword. We know so early and know so much that it can make things worse. Especially when we are reading things all over the internet and analyzing every bit of information in 15 different places.

I have finally quit the message boards. The last straw was today when the title of a post was "Jealous". The poster continued to talk about how jealous she was of the people who post that they've gotten to go the doctor so early. What she doesn't know is that the people talking about that only "get" to go because they've been struggling with infertility for years, or have had 4 miscarriages, or have a health concern that makes them high risk. It's not like we're specially chosen people, or lucky. I would give anything to wake up one morning, realize I've missed my period, take a hpt and OMG, I'm pregnant, on our first try! Little does she know, (who happens to be pregnant with her 6th child), she's the lucky one.

I've been reading all of your blogs this week and getting so angry that this can't just happen for all of you. No more trying. No more money. No more fighting. Just blessings. It really pisses me off it can't be like that.

permission

I'm still here. Waiting for Thursday when I go back for another beta.

The last few days really have been slightly unreal. I stopped spotting on Friday night/Saturday. Which is basically when a normal cycle should have stopped. I felt a few pregnancy symptoms over the weekend, but feel basically normal now. I did do another hpt yesterday and it was positive. I know that doesn't guarantee anything. I also know that although my hCG tripled, the number was still so low compared to other people. At 17 dpo, mine was 74.4. I've read about other women who were over 500 on the same day.

With all of my concerns, it is hard for this pregnancy to seem real to me. I guess it may not be. Numbers will tell on Thursday.

The progesterone injections are torture. I have knots on my hip and it's sore to walk and lay down. Combine that with the disgusting nature of the 3 x a day suppositories and you get one crabby girl. I actually left my bottle of progesterone on my desk at work yesterday and didn't realize it until I got off of the interstate after my 30 minute drive home. I was scared to not do the dose at night, so decided I would go change clothes and drive back. I stopped at the church to tell Max what I was doing and as soon as I saw him I burst into tears. He of course immediately said he was going to get them which only made me cry harder. He kindly pointed out that although his dad book recommended not pointing out every mood swing and emotional breakdown, he thought my reaction may have a bit to do with the pregnancy and that I should just go home and relax and he would be back in about an hour with the medicine. He's a good one.

I downloaded a few apps on my phone. One is Baby Bump and I've been reading a lot and posting some in the community there. The problem is, I don't think it's all that healthy. Every other post is about miscarriages, fears, comparing symptoms and freaking out when they're not the same, and other similarly scary things. It's almost like I'm addicted. I read every single detail about someone's miscarriage and compare it to where I am right now. How do I stop? It's definitely not making me feel better. If anything it's making me depressed.

One of the hardest parts about this right now for me is that this all makes me feel so dark. And that's not me. Not this time of year anyway. I've been in no hurry to put up a tree. Max finally made me go get one yesterday, and it's up but with no decorations. I've barely bought any Christmas presents, something that I normally spend hours and hours on, making sure to pick out the perfect things for my family. I'm just sitting and waiting. For permission to be happy.

Where to start. I guess I'll say this first.

I'm pregnant. It feels so weird to say.

But things aren't quite right. From Monday to Thursday, my hCG tripled, exactly like it was supposed to. 23.6 to 74.4. That's great. But I'm bleeding and have been since late Monday night. Not heavy. Very light, but fairly constant. Monday my progesterone was 6 and Thursday it was 12.9. We've added daily progesterone shots to the mix and are hopeful that it will increase. But everything I read says it just needs to be over 10 at this point.

There's so much information out there. It's hard to filter it all, plus my emotions, and feel at all sane. Anyone have experiences they want to share? Good or bad?

I'm allowing myself to get slightly excited. We've told a few people. Our parents. A few close friends. My boss. People that if something happens would know anyway. Every time I say it out loud, I get a little more excited. And then the nerves come crashing in. I'm so scared.

Really scared.

But excited. And hopeful.