I wish I was talking about the movie. Isn't there a movie with that title?
No. Today was my due date. Before there was nothing to be due anymore.
It's been a rough day. I was traveling earlier this week so I am extra exhausted. I've also been feeling more sick than ever. I threw up several times on the plane yesterday, luckily making it to the bathroom. It rained all afternoon. And Max is out of town tonight.
I am so happy to have this baby on the way. I am so thankful to be almost 15 weeks. I am so hopeful for what is to come. But I am so heartbroken for what I lost.
I have been dreading this day. But also hopeful that somehow it would be special. But I am indecisive and non committal and at a loss. and circumstances, some out of my control some in, have left me alone tonight.
And no one remembers. Which makes me feel like it never even happened. Was this baby real? Did we create life? Or was his time with us too short to count?
I don't blame anyone. I don't even know who actually knew the date. Who I ever even told. I thought maybe my mom might say something. Or possibly a friend.
But it's just me. Here alone. Trying to imagine what my life would be if he were here with me. If I were actually holding my baby tonight. What he would feel like in my arms.
But I will never know him. I can only put my hope in what is to come.
One of the things I hate about loss is that people are only there to grieve and support for the first few days. And then they disappear. You are then left to shoulder all the pain, and grief, and sorrow on your own. It's hard to not let the resentment grow.
ReplyDeleteBut this little one counts just as much as any other life. It has a place all to itself in your heart that no one else could ever fill. Hold it close to you because you are the only one that will. Not because it is less, but because it is yours.
My heart is with you today.
I'm so sorry Hattie. you're in my heart today.
ReplyDelete*tears* and ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteYes, he was real. IS real, watching over you and the little one in your womb. He will always be with you, and certain days will always give you pause. But you are not alone. Not really.
More ((hugs))
Thinking of you on this hard day. I fear my own lost due date come December and, at this point, can only imagine the pain that comes with it. But yes he was real...it only takes a second for a life to come into existence. So sorry you're feeling alone. Sending hugs.
ReplyDeleteYes, your baby was real and had a due date. I felt the way you did for a long time, wondering if I had imagined it all since no one else seemed to remember. I still feel that sometimes. But you remember and that is the most important thing. Take some time to remember your little one and maybe write a letter or post something on facebook if you use it. People just don't keep track of things like this and need a reminder.
ReplyDeleteI know how hard this day can be and it makes it very confusing being pregnant again. I have to go through those conflicting emotions all the time. Hang in there dear, you can do this.