Two weeks ago amidst the bfn and news of the cyst, Max and I decided to pile it all in one week.
We found out that the baby we lost in December was a boy.
There were many, complicated reasons that we waited. But I knew I needed to know that. So when we were ready, we asked.
I was honestly scared to death about how I would react. I knew I would be devastated if it was a girl. But I was even more scared that I might feel relief if it wasn't. In the end, I'm not exactly sure how it would have been if it had gone the other way. But my heart literally broke imagining the son that could have been.
The word in my mind...boy...made the baby so much more real in my mind. And instantly, I was grieving all over again.
Church on Sunday was particularly difficult. Lately, I have been sitting in the foyer. 1) because I'm late and 2) because it's easier to hide when I cry through the whole thing. Well, Sunday a family was there with a baby boy and he started fussing during church so his dad brought him out to the foyer to walk him around. So I sat the rest of the service watching this precious baby boy and his doting father. All I could do was stare at them and wish it could be us.
But all the wishing doesn't bring me any closer.
Is this closure? I don't know. The wound feels just as open as it did four months ago.
I really wish we were closer so I could come over and give you a hug. The news that your angel is a boy is hard, especially in light of all the bad news. Give yourself some time to remember the time you had with him. It was far too short, but I know that he knew how much you love him. And I believe he still does.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you, my friend.
I agree with Cristy. Remember every good moment you can and know he's out there loving you. That's what helps me - knowing my babies are sending me love all the time. I think it's good you know. This way you can feel that much closer to him.
ReplyDelete((((((((Hugs)))))))))
ReplyDeleteHugs to you...I am awaiting the genders of two of the miscarriages I had tested. I'm not sure one can really prepare for that news.
ReplyDeleteHi... here from ICLW and so sorry to hear about your loss and recent negative. This is certainly a tough road... wish it were easier. Thinking of you and hope each day brings more peace xo
ReplyDeleteHi Hattie, I'm here from ICLW. I'm sorry about your loss. I miscarried in March. It was a boy, too. I also sit in the back at church so I can cry. Sending peace and light.
ReplyDeleteHi from ICLW. I've also miscarried and I am so sorry for your loss. I loved your blog about your title. Wishing you peace.
ReplyDeleteHello from ICLW. I'm so sorry for your loss. Sending you warm thoughts and peace during this difficult time. I've also nominated for for a Lovely Blog Award. Check my page when you have the time. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteTerribly sorry for your loss.
ReplyDeleteThere are no closures...they are such a myth.
Heal.
#24
(((Hattie))) Sending you so much love and care. My husband and I also lost a baby in December.....which we found out was a genetically normal male. And you're right. That wound is as open and gaping as ever. Holding you and your DH in my thoughts...
ReplyDeleteHere from ICLW. Sorry for your loss. :(
ReplyDeleteHello from ICLW. Oh my...my heart goes out to you! I am SO sorry for your loss. So sorry for the brokenness you feel and the tears that are all to familiar. I hope and pray that you receive your silver lining, your beloved child very, very soon! Sending cyber HUGS!
ReplyDeleteThis journey is so tough, I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby boy and your recent negative cycle. Here from ICLW.
ReplyDelete