personal training

So I had my assessment yesterday. It actually went pretty well and I only cried like 6 times. I kept apologizing and saying I knew it wasn't a counseling appointment. I never cried to the point of not being able to talk, only to where she could barely understand me. I call that a win.

We basically just talked about why I was there, my goals and my nutrition and exercise habits. I felt pretty comfortable there, which I was fairly nervous about. We talked for almost an hour, then did some fitness assessment basics so she could figure out which of their levels I would be on.

I had to step up and down on a block for 3 minutes to check my heart rate after. Ok, I'm 5'2". That's short. The block was probably 12-15 inches high, which is really high for a short person. And I am soooo sore today! My heart rate was 120 when I was finished and she said she likes to see it in the 90's. I asked what that meant and her response was "You're out of shape." Well no shit!

Seriously though, I used to swim 3 times a week and I could tell a huge difference in my energy and general fitness level. But I haven't been to the gym since the end of October, so I'm basically starting over again. Realistically, it's impossible to lose all the weight I need to before my next IUI. But I can't wait until I'm skinny to have a baby. It will never happen. I'm just trying to make the most of this time that I unfortunately have and go into the next pregnancy in the best shape possible. I also know it will help me feel better.

They do packages of either 1 on 1 hour sessions small groups training with 3-4 people that they call Pack Training. I decided to go with a combo package of 1 individual and 2 pack trainings per week. We honestly couldn't do any more than that financially. I'm already stressed about this enough. Max is being so great and helped me decide what we realistically could afford and where we could make sacrifices. I so appreciate his optimism and support in this endeavor, but to be honest I'm the one that does the budget every week and I'm stressed about money. It feels so selfish to spend this much money on myself when soon, hopefully, we will have many different things to spend money on. But I know this isn't just for me. I just have to keep telling myself that.

I'm considering doing some weekly weigh-ins or other sorts of updates on here. I'm so hesitant to reveal my weight though. I don't know why I feel fine talking about my intimate lady business but not weight. Oh, the power of self image.

My first appointment is tomorrow after work. I'm excited, but know I will be in pain after. Should be fun!

emotional exhaustion

According to wikipedia, emotional exhaustion is a real thing. It sounds like something a celebrity might have. Or a politician.

I'm diagnosing myself. If it's all the same to you.

I have so much emotion coursing through me these days. It's not all bad. It's an exciting time at work, new semester and all. Yesterday we had a big training with 56 student leaders, the first weekly session of the semester. Lots of planning, but lots of excitement. It brings along some stress, some anxiety, some frustration, and also happiness.

Then there's the sadness, fear, worry, doubt, guilt. It hits throughout the day. Randomly, or caused by someone's innocent words. I might be talking to a coworker and then all of a sudden, mid-sentence, I can't say the next word without bursting into tears. I've been wearing my August birthstone necklace for the last few days. I love it, both for what it means to me and I just think it's pretty. Often throughout the day I find myself touching it, to make sure it's still there or just to focus my thoughts. I must have done that while having a quick meeting with a coworker yesterday, but it made her notice it and she mentioned that it must be new and she really liked it. Tears started immediately and I had to leave to go get myself together. Last night during dinner, Max made a little joke which made me laugh. Then, all of a sudden I was crying. Uncontrollably.

And let's not forget about the anger. At myself for letting this happen. At my mom for offering to meet me in the middle for a weekend getaway, then rethinking about how she committed to watch my nephew while my brother and sil finish work on their house before their new baby arrives. While my mom has been constantly checking in on me, we haven't had time or energy for an extended phone conversation about how I am. The thought of spending the weekend with just her and talking some about how I feel gave me some hope. Now there is just anger and disappointment. I know they need her, but I do too (selfish much Hattie?). And I'm angry at my close friends who don't even know what's happening. Who I probably would have told about the pregnancy, or who I would tell about the miscarriage, but who don't have a clue because they haven't called me. Don't worry, I'm not entirely unreasonable. My anger is reserved for those who I emailed, texted and called several times back in the fall who never returned any contact, but know from our last conversations that the attempt at a baby was getting more and more difficult. Or who I emailed a long, heart wrenching email about how I was feeling and got nothing but silence in return.

So, if you're keeping count that's a lot of emotion. Which leaves me exhausted. And bitter. And hard to deal with. To the pure delight of everyone around me.

I am trying to deal with it. I actually have an appointment tonight with a trainer at Fitness Together. Anyone familiar with them or used them before? The business is basically focused on just personal training. My plan is to use the time I'm waiting for the next IUI to focus on fitness and weight loss. That gives me something to think about and do, plus a way to work off some emotional steam. And allows me to go into the next pregnancy in the best shape possible (or the best I can get in the next 6-8 weeks).

So we'll see how tonight goes. I'm not entirely convinced yet, as it will be a large financial commitment. But it may just be worth it.

Anyway. A bit of a random post, but I got some things off my chest.

the christmas tree

Is still up. Why can't I take it down?

Because I was pregnant at Christmas. And it was amazing. And now it's over.

But I was pregnant at Christmas.

Max keeps gingerly broaching the subject. A comment about how dry the tree is. Or how he wants to get the other armchair out of his office. Today he came right out with it. He said he understands that it's about more than the tree, but it's probably time to talk about it. He asked if it would be easier to do it together or for him to just do it while I'm at work one day this week. Through my tears I told him I didn't know.

I'm clinging to Christmas. To the way I felt finally celebrating this miracle with my family. To the feeling of life growing inside. To the visions I had of next Christmas, opening presents for my almost 5 month old baby and passing her around to be held by friends and family.

I'm not ready to give that up.

how was your break?

As I mentioned, I've been off of work and away from campus for two weeks. As more staff and students return to campus, I'm interacting with more and more people who have no idea what's going on with me.

If I hear the question "How was your break?" one more time I might lose it. I don't know what to say. It was wonderful. But terrible. Amazing. And heartbreaking.

Instead I mumble something and look away and let the other people standing around carry the conversation.

thankful

I'm feeling like I'm seeing a little light today, so I think I will run with it and spend some time thinking about the things I have been thankful for in this experience. 

Max. He has to be first. He has been absolutely amazing. Of course he always has been, but something like this really brings it home. I truly can't imagine a better person in the whole world. From the moment I got on the ultrasound table one week ago this morning, he has not let me go. He gripped my hands so hard that day as I sobbed through the ultrasound. There were times in the following days that we were literally clinging to each other with the only strength we had left. He made my nurses cry with his prayer before they took me to the OR. In every moment, he has said the exact right thing, which has sometimes been nothing at all. He can tell with no words spoken when I need him to grab my hand or give me a hug or make me laugh (or make me a drink :). I wish you could all know him.

Christmas. To be honest, and I think I've mentioned this, Thanksgiving was hell. We were in the unknown and babies were all around. It was hell. I am so thankful we got to experience Christmas with joy in our hearts. I got to reconnect with my pregnant sister in law, which was helpful for both her and me and allowed her to be able to support me when I needed it. I got to be happy with my niece and nephews and feel like my old self in regards to babies and pregnancies. Luckily, and surprisingly,. the memories of Christmas have not been ruined by the events of the following week. Of course, it didn't do New Year's any favors.

My clinic. I had my follow-up appointment this morning and it was so good to be back in my normal office, even on these terms. The astonishingly bubbly receptionist that majorly annoyed me at first made me feel right at home with a hug and a few tears of her own. It just reminds me how often they go through this with women and how much they want it for us. Everyone has been so compassionate and understanding, but very positive about getting us pregnant again.

Being with a man for the first time. wink wink. I think I've written about my aversion to male doctors. Just because of scheduling, one of the men in the practice had to do my d&c. And yes, I know I was out of it for the actual procedure, but talking to him first by video conference and then in the hospital really eased my mind. He was great, really, and it may have helped me move toward getting over that a bit.

Singing in the car. I did it for the first time today, before I even realized what was happening. It's the first time I have felt spontaneous happiness since Wednesday (other than cracking up during Sherlock Holmes when Robert Downey Jr. was riding the miniature horse). For just a second I forgot to be sad and I was just being.

The ALI blog community. I am so thankful that an old friend trusted me enough to bring me in to this community. I honestly can't imagine going through this without the love and support I have gotten here.

Whew. It felt good to be positive for at least a little bit. The sadness is exhausting, and unfortunately, it's not over yet. But I know every day will get a little better. And I know I will bring a baby home one day.

back at work

Today is my first day back at work. One of the joys of my job is that I get 2 weeks off for Christmas and New Year. So today is the first day the University is open. My boss texted Max last night asking what my plan was for today. That's actually been happening a lot. Everyone is texting Max checking in on me. My phone has been silent except for the notifications of your comments. I know people just don't want to bug me and I still appreciate them thinking of us.

Anyway, my boss has experienced two miscarriages with his wife, and they have both been extremely supportive. He just wanted me to know that if I couldn't come in then I shouldn't come in.

But I came in. What is the other option? I can't sit at home and cry forever. So now I'm experiencing the alternative; sitting at my desk and crying. Not all day, but at least once an hour. Spontaneous tears. Nothing even triggers it. Just all of a sudden, I'm crying.

Today was also my first interaction with someone who knows me well but who doesn't know about what happened. It was the first time I've seen him since before Christmas. Last time I was hiding a pregnancy. This time I am hiding a miscarriage. He asked all of the normal questions. How was your break? What did you do for New Years? Starting the year off right? My answers: It was fine. Laid low at the house. Ha...yeah. My answers in my head: Both wonderful and miserable; heartbreaking. Sat at home and watched Sex and the City solely for the New Years Eve scene then sobbed through Auld Lang Syne. Kissed Max and gave a zero-hearted "cheers" through tears at midnight then crawled into bed. Starting the year off with unbearable pain unable to do anything but sit and stare and wonder if life will ever be any different.

Yeah, good thing I wasn't honest with him.

I don't know if indecision is a stage of grief, but it's where I am now. I literally haven't made a decision since Wednesday morning. Max decides when and where we will go, when and what we will eat. He tells me to take a shower or go to bed. Who I should talk to; what I will watch. The only action I have initiated is using the bathroom.

And now I sit at my desk waiting on someone to tell me what to do. I have a lot of work to do. Campus is about to get crazy and there are things that have to be done. But I'm sitting here staring at my computer. Staring at the pile of papers on my desk. With no idea what to do. Do I go into my bosses office and ask him to tell me what to do next? Should I answer this email? Or complete this task? Or start this project?

In the meantime, I'm just sitting here and waiting. Waiting on Max to say it's lunch time. Waiting on the day to end.

the untelling

When Max and I finally got some long-awaited good news, we were very cautiously optimistic and shared the news in a fairly tight circle. Our parents pretty much knew the whole schedule so they were obviously our first calls when we got the semi-congrats on our first beta. Our best couple friends were also in the initial loop. After the second beta, we told a couple more friends and a few co-workers who have been following our fertility struggles.After hearing the heartbeat, we included one or two more friends and had the excitement of telling our siblings once we arrived home for the holidays.

That seems like a lot of people for the relatively early time of 7 weeks 6 days. Honestly, it's more people than we initially thought we would tell when we fantasized about finally getting a positive.Several factors contributed to this, and we always made sure it felt "right" before telling someone new. When the time came to share the unwanted news, there were probably a total of about 30 people who needed to be told. The only people we personally said the words to were our moms. We pulled over on the side of the road after sitting in the clinic parking lot for about 20 minutes staring into space. I'm pretty sure they both new the minute we said hello. They were each in charge of calling the siblings. Everything else was done by text.

Honestly, I thought I would regret telling people. But sitting here almost a week later, I know we did the right thing. We have really felt the love from our friends and family. Those first 2 days specifically. We only got 1 or 2 stupid comments, and the rest have been a perfect balance of expressing sadness and concern and wanting to help us. I think it was especially helpful for Max. Several men in our life (my brother, the man half of our best friends, his best friend, even my boss) have continued to reach out to him to share their experiences and help him understand what I am going through. I've been particularly grateful for that, as I know how hard it is for most men to talk about feelings.

The main reason I am glad we shared our pregnancy is that it made it real. I got to experience the excitement of sharing the news. I was pleasantly surprised at the joy some people had in celebrating our baby. Even though the baby is no longer with us, we had the experience of joy. We loved our baby, and because we allowed people who love us to share in our joy, our baby will not be forgotten.

I don't know how we will handle our next pregnancy (because I believe there will be another one). I suppose we will tell people when it feels right, as we did this time. Until then, all I can do is hope.