As I mentioned, I've been off of work and away from campus for two weeks. As more staff and students return to campus, I'm interacting with more and more people who have no idea what's going on with me.
If I hear the question "How was your break?" one more time I might lose it. I don't know what to say. It was wonderful. But terrible. Amazing. And heartbreaking.
Instead I mumble something and look away and let the other people standing around carry the conversation.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
thankful
I'm feeling like I'm seeing a little light today, so I think I will run with it and spend some time thinking about the things I have been thankful for in this experience.
Max. He has to be first. He has been absolutely amazing. Of course he always has been, but something like this really brings it home. I truly can't imagine a better person in the whole world. From the moment I got on the ultrasound table one week ago this morning, he has not let me go. He gripped my hands so hard that day as I sobbed through the ultrasound. There were times in the following days that we were literally clinging to each other with the only strength we had left. He made my nurses cry with his prayer before they took me to the OR. In every moment, he has said the exact right thing, which has sometimes been nothing at all. He can tell with no words spoken when I need him to grab my hand or give me a hug or make me laugh (or make me a drink :). I wish you could all know him.
Christmas. To be honest, and I think I've mentioned this, Thanksgiving was hell. We were in the unknown and babies were all around. It was hell. I am so thankful we got to experience Christmas with joy in our hearts. I got to reconnect with my pregnant sister in law, which was helpful for both her and me and allowed her to be able to support me when I needed it. I got to be happy with my niece and nephews and feel like my old self in regards to babies and pregnancies. Luckily, and surprisingly,. the memories of Christmas have not been ruined by the events of the following week. Of course, it didn't do New Year's any favors.
My clinic. I had my follow-up appointment this morning and it was so good to be back in my normal office, even on these terms. The astonishingly bubbly receptionist that majorly annoyed me at first made me feel right at home with a hug and a few tears of her own. It just reminds me how often they go through this with women and how much they want it for us. Everyone has been so compassionate and understanding, but very positive about getting us pregnant again.
Being with a man for the first time. wink wink. I think I've written about my aversion to male doctors. Just because of scheduling, one of the men in the practice had to do my d&c. And yes, I know I was out of it for the actual procedure, but talking to him first by video conference and then in the hospital really eased my mind. He was great, really, and it may have helped me move toward getting over that a bit.
Singing in the car. I did it for the first time today, before I even realized what was happening. It's the first time I have felt spontaneous happiness since Wednesday (other than cracking up during Sherlock Holmes when Robert Downey Jr. was riding the miniature horse). For just a second I forgot to be sad and I was just being.
The ALI blog community. I am so thankful that an old friend trusted me enough to bring me in to this community. I honestly can't imagine going through this without the love and support I have gotten here.
Whew. It felt good to be positive for at least a little bit. The sadness is exhausting, and unfortunately, it's not over yet. But I know every day will get a little better. And I know I will bring a baby home one day.
Max. He has to be first. He has been absolutely amazing. Of course he always has been, but something like this really brings it home. I truly can't imagine a better person in the whole world. From the moment I got on the ultrasound table one week ago this morning, he has not let me go. He gripped my hands so hard that day as I sobbed through the ultrasound. There were times in the following days that we were literally clinging to each other with the only strength we had left. He made my nurses cry with his prayer before they took me to the OR. In every moment, he has said the exact right thing, which has sometimes been nothing at all. He can tell with no words spoken when I need him to grab my hand or give me a hug or make me laugh (or make me a drink :). I wish you could all know him.
Christmas. To be honest, and I think I've mentioned this, Thanksgiving was hell. We were in the unknown and babies were all around. It was hell. I am so thankful we got to experience Christmas with joy in our hearts. I got to reconnect with my pregnant sister in law, which was helpful for both her and me and allowed her to be able to support me when I needed it. I got to be happy with my niece and nephews and feel like my old self in regards to babies and pregnancies. Luckily, and surprisingly,. the memories of Christmas have not been ruined by the events of the following week. Of course, it didn't do New Year's any favors.
My clinic. I had my follow-up appointment this morning and it was so good to be back in my normal office, even on these terms. The astonishingly bubbly receptionist that majorly annoyed me at first made me feel right at home with a hug and a few tears of her own. It just reminds me how often they go through this with women and how much they want it for us. Everyone has been so compassionate and understanding, but very positive about getting us pregnant again.
Being with a man for the first time. wink wink. I think I've written about my aversion to male doctors. Just because of scheduling, one of the men in the practice had to do my d&c. And yes, I know I was out of it for the actual procedure, but talking to him first by video conference and then in the hospital really eased my mind. He was great, really, and it may have helped me move toward getting over that a bit.
Singing in the car. I did it for the first time today, before I even realized what was happening. It's the first time I have felt spontaneous happiness since Wednesday (other than cracking up during Sherlock Holmes when Robert Downey Jr. was riding the miniature horse). For just a second I forgot to be sad and I was just being.
The ALI blog community. I am so thankful that an old friend trusted me enough to bring me in to this community. I honestly can't imagine going through this without the love and support I have gotten here.
Whew. It felt good to be positive for at least a little bit. The sadness is exhausting, and unfortunately, it's not over yet. But I know every day will get a little better. And I know I will bring a baby home one day.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
back at work
Today is my first day back at work. One of the joys of my job is that I get 2 weeks off for Christmas and New Year. So today is the first day the University is open. My boss texted Max last night asking what my plan was for today. That's actually been happening a lot. Everyone is texting Max checking in on me. My phone has been silent except for the notifications of your comments. I know people just don't want to bug me and I still appreciate them thinking of us.
Anyway, my boss has experienced two miscarriages with his wife, and they have both been extremely supportive. He just wanted me to know that if I couldn't come in then I shouldn't come in.
But I came in. What is the other option? I can't sit at home and cry forever. So now I'm experiencing the alternative; sitting at my desk and crying. Not all day, but at least once an hour. Spontaneous tears. Nothing even triggers it. Just all of a sudden, I'm crying.
Today was also my first interaction with someone who knows me well but who doesn't know about what happened. It was the first time I've seen him since before Christmas. Last time I was hiding a pregnancy. This time I am hiding a miscarriage. He asked all of the normal questions. How was your break? What did you do for New Years? Starting the year off right? My answers: It was fine. Laid low at the house. Ha...yeah. My answers in my head: Both wonderful and miserable; heartbreaking. Sat at home and watched Sex and the City solely for the New Years Eve scene then sobbed through Auld Lang Syne. Kissed Max and gave a zero-hearted "cheers" through tears at midnight then crawled into bed. Starting the year off with unbearable pain unable to do anything but sit and stare and wonder if life will ever be any different.
Yeah, good thing I wasn't honest with him.
I don't know if indecision is a stage of grief, but it's where I am now. I literally haven't made a decision since Wednesday morning. Max decides when and where we will go, when and what we will eat. He tells me to take a shower or go to bed. Who I should talk to; what I will watch. The only action I have initiated is using the bathroom.
And now I sit at my desk waiting on someone to tell me what to do. I have a lot of work to do. Campus is about to get crazy and there are things that have to be done. But I'm sitting here staring at my computer. Staring at the pile of papers on my desk. With no idea what to do. Do I go into my bosses office and ask him to tell me what to do next? Should I answer this email? Or complete this task? Or start this project?
In the meantime, I'm just sitting here and waiting. Waiting on Max to say it's lunch time. Waiting on the day to end.
Anyway, my boss has experienced two miscarriages with his wife, and they have both been extremely supportive. He just wanted me to know that if I couldn't come in then I shouldn't come in.
But I came in. What is the other option? I can't sit at home and cry forever. So now I'm experiencing the alternative; sitting at my desk and crying. Not all day, but at least once an hour. Spontaneous tears. Nothing even triggers it. Just all of a sudden, I'm crying.
Today was also my first interaction with someone who knows me well but who doesn't know about what happened. It was the first time I've seen him since before Christmas. Last time I was hiding a pregnancy. This time I am hiding a miscarriage. He asked all of the normal questions. How was your break? What did you do for New Years? Starting the year off right? My answers: It was fine. Laid low at the house. Ha...yeah. My answers in my head: Both wonderful and miserable; heartbreaking. Sat at home and watched Sex and the City solely for the New Years Eve scene then sobbed through Auld Lang Syne. Kissed Max and gave a zero-hearted "cheers" through tears at midnight then crawled into bed. Starting the year off with unbearable pain unable to do anything but sit and stare and wonder if life will ever be any different.
Yeah, good thing I wasn't honest with him.
I don't know if indecision is a stage of grief, but it's where I am now. I literally haven't made a decision since Wednesday morning. Max decides when and where we will go, when and what we will eat. He tells me to take a shower or go to bed. Who I should talk to; what I will watch. The only action I have initiated is using the bathroom.
And now I sit at my desk waiting on someone to tell me what to do. I have a lot of work to do. Campus is about to get crazy and there are things that have to be done. But I'm sitting here staring at my computer. Staring at the pile of papers on my desk. With no idea what to do. Do I go into my bosses office and ask him to tell me what to do next? Should I answer this email? Or complete this task? Or start this project?
In the meantime, I'm just sitting here and waiting. Waiting on Max to say it's lunch time. Waiting on the day to end.
the untelling
When Max and I finally got some long-awaited good news, we were very cautiously optimistic and shared the news in a fairly tight circle. Our parents pretty much knew the whole schedule so they were obviously our first calls when we got the semi-congrats on our first beta. Our best couple friends were also in the initial loop. After the second beta, we told a couple more friends and a few co-workers who have been following our fertility struggles.After hearing the heartbeat, we included one or two more friends and had the excitement of telling our siblings once we arrived home for the holidays.
That seems like a lot of people for the relatively early time of 7 weeks 6 days. Honestly, it's more people than we initially thought we would tell when we fantasized about finally getting a positive.Several factors contributed to this, and we always made sure it felt "right" before telling someone new. When the time came to share the unwanted news, there were probably a total of about 30 people who needed to be told. The only people we personally said the words to were our moms. We pulled over on the side of the road after sitting in the clinic parking lot for about 20 minutes staring into space. I'm pretty sure they both new the minute we said hello. They were each in charge of calling the siblings. Everything else was done by text.
Honestly, I thought I would regret telling people. But sitting here almost a week later, I know we did the right thing. We have really felt the love from our friends and family. Those first 2 days specifically. We only got 1 or 2 stupid comments, and the rest have been a perfect balance of expressing sadness and concern and wanting to help us. I think it was especially helpful for Max. Several men in our life (my brother, the man half of our best friends, his best friend, even my boss) have continued to reach out to him to share their experiences and help him understand what I am going through. I've been particularly grateful for that, as I know how hard it is for most men to talk about feelings.
The main reason I am glad we shared our pregnancy is that it made it real. I got to experience the excitement of sharing the news. I was pleasantly surprised at the joy some people had in celebrating our baby. Even though the baby is no longer with us, we had the experience of joy. We loved our baby, and because we allowed people who love us to share in our joy, our baby will not be forgotten.
I don't know how we will handle our next pregnancy (because I believe there will be another one). I suppose we will tell people when it feels right, as we did this time. Until then, all I can do is hope.
That seems like a lot of people for the relatively early time of 7 weeks 6 days. Honestly, it's more people than we initially thought we would tell when we fantasized about finally getting a positive.Several factors contributed to this, and we always made sure it felt "right" before telling someone new. When the time came to share the unwanted news, there were probably a total of about 30 people who needed to be told. The only people we personally said the words to were our moms. We pulled over on the side of the road after sitting in the clinic parking lot for about 20 minutes staring into space. I'm pretty sure they both new the minute we said hello. They were each in charge of calling the siblings. Everything else was done by text.
Honestly, I thought I would regret telling people. But sitting here almost a week later, I know we did the right thing. We have really felt the love from our friends and family. Those first 2 days specifically. We only got 1 or 2 stupid comments, and the rest have been a perfect balance of expressing sadness and concern and wanting to help us. I think it was especially helpful for Max. Several men in our life (my brother, the man half of our best friends, his best friend, even my boss) have continued to reach out to him to share their experiences and help him understand what I am going through. I've been particularly grateful for that, as I know how hard it is for most men to talk about feelings.
The main reason I am glad we shared our pregnancy is that it made it real. I got to experience the excitement of sharing the news. I was pleasantly surprised at the joy some people had in celebrating our baby. Even though the baby is no longer with us, we had the experience of joy. We loved our baby, and because we allowed people who love us to share in our joy, our baby will not be forgotten.
I don't know how we will handle our next pregnancy (because I believe there will be another one). I suppose we will tell people when it feels right, as we did this time. Until then, all I can do is hope.
Friday, December 30, 2011
miscarriage thoughts
I'm still in a bit of a surreal state a day later. I don't have any cramping and barely any bleeding. I can almost make myself believe it didn't happen. But it did.
To me, it felt inevitable. Like a rite of passage. So many of my friends have got through this. So many of you have gone through this. It was just something I had to do. I'm not lucky enough to never experience this.
Oddly, I feel too young for this. I know that's strange. I am 30 and Max is 29. We often talk about how young we still feel. I can't believe I'm old enough or in real life enough to have this kind of suffering.
I got on etsy on Thursday and impulsively ordered a necklace. A green peridot, the August birthstone. I feel stupid for that. Like its going to help. Who knows? Maybe it will. I guess I will see when it gets here.
After our ultrasound on Wednesday they gave us a little sympathy packet. A book with lots of info about the emotional and mental side of this and a little stuffed lamb. It almost made me feel sad for them. A realization that they have to walk so many women through this that they have those at the ready.
We are doing the chromosome testing on the baby. Anxious to see if they will find any answers. If I understand correctly, they can also find it if it was a boy or girl. I can't decide if I want to know. I know that if/when I get a baby I won't care. But I've been so obsessed lately with having a girl. I'm afraid it will make me sadder if it was a girl. I feel crazy for that as well.
Sorry for the random nature of this post. I'm just trying to get some thoughts out in a safe place.
To me, it felt inevitable. Like a rite of passage. So many of my friends have got through this. So many of you have gone through this. It was just something I had to do. I'm not lucky enough to never experience this.
Oddly, I feel too young for this. I know that's strange. I am 30 and Max is 29. We often talk about how young we still feel. I can't believe I'm old enough or in real life enough to have this kind of suffering.
I got on etsy on Thursday and impulsively ordered a necklace. A green peridot, the August birthstone. I feel stupid for that. Like its going to help. Who knows? Maybe it will. I guess I will see when it gets here.
After our ultrasound on Wednesday they gave us a little sympathy packet. A book with lots of info about the emotional and mental side of this and a little stuffed lamb. It almost made me feel sad for them. A realization that they have to walk so many women through this that they have those at the ready.
We are doing the chromosome testing on the baby. Anxious to see if they will find any answers. If I understand correctly, they can also find it if it was a boy or girl. I can't decide if I want to know. I know that if/when I get a baby I won't care. But I've been so obsessed lately with having a girl. I'm afraid it will make me sadder if it was a girl. I feel crazy for that as well.
Sorry for the random nature of this post. I'm just trying to get some thoughts out in a safe place.
done
Well it's over. It's been quite a surreal couple of days.
We ended up calling to talk to our regular nurse practitioner yesterday because we couldn't get the doubt out of our mind. She reassured me and had all of the right things to say. Based on the pictures she looked at, the baby measured right at 8 weeks and the sac measured 6w1d. She obviously couldn't tell anything about cardiac on the pic, but trusted the other NP. She did say that if it would make us feel better, we could ask for an ultrasound before the surgery to ease our minds. We thought about it all day and couldn't decide. That has been the theme of the last 2 days. No decisions. Max has been in charge of all of those.
Shortly after the hospital called to tell us what time to arrive, the main clinic office called to tell us our doctor wanted to do a follow up ultrasound before the surgery without us even asking. Thank you. Took the decision out of it. And showed me that he understood our position and was being conscientious.
So we did that this morning. We didn't expect to see anything different, but are glad we did it nonetheless. I was able to stay calm and understand everything on the screen. We were then able move forward with no doubt we were doing the right thing.
The d&c really wasn't that bad. Obviously I could still have bad cramping, but I also have pain meds. I cried several times through the process, and most of the nurses were very compassionate and understanding. Except for one. Oh well. When I woke up the first thing I remember was asking "Is it over?" The recovery nurse said "yes darlin it's over" and I burst into tears. (for those of you unfamiliar or surprised at the use of the word "darlin", welcome to the south).
All in all I'm doing ok. My mom went with me too and I'm so thankful. First she's been through this before. Second, she's my mom.
Thank you so much for all of the kind words and support. It means so much.
We ended up calling to talk to our regular nurse practitioner yesterday because we couldn't get the doubt out of our mind. She reassured me and had all of the right things to say. Based on the pictures she looked at, the baby measured right at 8 weeks and the sac measured 6w1d. She obviously couldn't tell anything about cardiac on the pic, but trusted the other NP. She did say that if it would make us feel better, we could ask for an ultrasound before the surgery to ease our minds. We thought about it all day and couldn't decide. That has been the theme of the last 2 days. No decisions. Max has been in charge of all of those.
Shortly after the hospital called to tell us what time to arrive, the main clinic office called to tell us our doctor wanted to do a follow up ultrasound before the surgery without us even asking. Thank you. Took the decision out of it. And showed me that he understood our position and was being conscientious.
So we did that this morning. We didn't expect to see anything different, but are glad we did it nonetheless. I was able to stay calm and understand everything on the screen. We were then able move forward with no doubt we were doing the right thing.
The d&c really wasn't that bad. Obviously I could still have bad cramping, but I also have pain meds. I cried several times through the process, and most of the nurses were very compassionate and understanding. Except for one. Oh well. When I woke up the first thing I remember was asking "Is it over?" The recovery nurse said "yes darlin it's over" and I burst into tears. (for those of you unfamiliar or surprised at the use of the word "darlin", welcome to the south).
All in all I'm doing ok. My mom went with me too and I'm so thankful. First she's been through this before. Second, she's my mom.
Thank you so much for all of the kind words and support. It means so much.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
no heartbeat
We are heartbroken. Literally. I go from feeling intense pain to paralyzing nothing in a matter of minutes.
We are out of town for the holidays still and went to another satellite office of our clinic instead of our regular. It was about a 1.5 hour drive. To be honest, about halfway there I knew that's what the results would be. I kept trying to talk myself out of it. But I knew. I started crying almost immediately after the pic came on the screen. Last week I saw the heartbeat right away. Before she even pointed it out. So I knew today it wasn't there. Max tried to calm me down and tell me to wait, but it didn't matter.
We have both tried to desperately bargain that maybe she just missed it. It wasn't our normal nurse practitioner. Sometimes my stuff has been hard to find. But I know the baby has never been hard to find. The sac only measured 6w1d. I should be 7w6d.
After she was done we waited on a video conference with one of the doctors at the main office. He talked us through the process and talked about our options. We decided to do a d&c on Friday. Of course now we are panicking again and wondering how we can be sure.
Honestly, this was probably harder in the moment on Max than me. I have been guarded this whole time. Waiting for the worst. Knowing that things weren't quite right. He has been so optimistic. Believing that things were perfect. His reaction was a bit delayed this morning, but when the emotions came they came strong. He just keeps saying it happened so fast.
If I'm honest with myself, I know I've blamed Max a little bit through this process. The only diagnosable problem we have is with him. But this miscarriage is all me. There is nowhere else to look. No one else to blame. I failed us.
I don't know where to go from here.
We are out of town for the holidays still and went to another satellite office of our clinic instead of our regular. It was about a 1.5 hour drive. To be honest, about halfway there I knew that's what the results would be. I kept trying to talk myself out of it. But I knew. I started crying almost immediately after the pic came on the screen. Last week I saw the heartbeat right away. Before she even pointed it out. So I knew today it wasn't there. Max tried to calm me down and tell me to wait, but it didn't matter.
We have both tried to desperately bargain that maybe she just missed it. It wasn't our normal nurse practitioner. Sometimes my stuff has been hard to find. But I know the baby has never been hard to find. The sac only measured 6w1d. I should be 7w6d.
After she was done we waited on a video conference with one of the doctors at the main office. He talked us through the process and talked about our options. We decided to do a d&c on Friday. Of course now we are panicking again and wondering how we can be sure.
Honestly, this was probably harder in the moment on Max than me. I have been guarded this whole time. Waiting for the worst. Knowing that things weren't quite right. He has been so optimistic. Believing that things were perfect. His reaction was a bit delayed this morning, but when the emotions came they came strong. He just keeps saying it happened so fast.
If I'm honest with myself, I know I've blamed Max a little bit through this process. The only diagnosable problem we have is with him. But this miscarriage is all me. There is nowhere else to look. No one else to blame. I failed us.
I don't know where to go from here.
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